Depression Pits & Missing You

I didn't bother to wake up until 1:30PM. After pulling an all-nighter, sleep was a much desired thing. I found myself tripping into these holes of depression every now and then today. I went to the mall tonight and in XXI I felt it. I felt when I woke up because I thought he was mad at me. I don't like this feeling.. because it reminds me of how I used to be. About once a month, I would get that sick feeling in my stomach where I wanted to just die. It wasn't a pain. It was more like an emotion. It was like a period, haha. Anyways, I couldn't stand today, knowing that I couldn't talk to him. I updated Facebook with "A Toy needs batteries to operate. Me? I need you." It's true. When I can't talk to you or you're not around, I feel so incomplete. I become so lethargic and unwilling to do anything. I'm so glad you're coming back tomorrow night.. I truly am. Photo is of me in the fitting room! I finally got the type of blouse with a zipper in the back, I was ecstatic [emotionally, not showing it] and I felt very fulfilled. The other photo is of the bracelet I'm making for Jacob. :) I finished Ana's earlier.

Only Exception By Paramore Is A Really Good Song.

I'm strong. I am a person of mistakes; imperfections. The way my words come out are not the same as I think them. I'm still learning to perfect myself because I refuse to believe "I'm perfect to you." If I was, I wouldn't be feeling this right now. You wouldn't think of me as a jerk.

Today.. I'm figuring out that my stress isn't that bad. I have another week to worry about finals. I'll figure it out. You were right. Today was okay. We went to the middle school and I fucked up really bad, yet I still managed to smile because I honestly couldn't give a rat's ass about it. Returning back to 5th period, I was so happy to see you again. Though it was only a few hours since I saw you. Throughout the course of the day I realize: there is less emotion going around, and the are was dry and slightly sarcastic. I don't know. I'm going to be optimistic. I got this. Oh, I lost my phone today. Thank god Roland had it. Photo is of a index card an asshole drew. Hiyo.

Lost What I Cherish So Dearly

Today we had the Jazz Festival. There were a couple emotions around about. Some were old and some were new kinds of sadness. I posted a long one on Tumblr, so I'll use it here.

For a good while now, the chain-link on the necklace he gave me would always loosen. The idea to put it on a different line was in my mind, but I never set myself to do so. I thought the brown strings and ribbon kept an authentic touch to it.

After school, we walked to his house so he could change for the Jazz Festival tonight. We ran a little because we short on time, so it could have happened then. Then, we went on our way to Dunkin Donuts to get something for the bake sale during the fest. We get back to the HS and I go into the closet to change into my concert outfit. I take off my shirt and, long behold, the string is all I see, unattached. From there on, my heart dropped and I laid quiet. Distraught? I think so.

Even though it is just a necklace that a boyfriend gave, it means everything to me. It was the first loving gift I have ever received.

Despite the fact that the festival would start soon, I went on and backtracked everywhere, literally. My eyes were glued to the ground, but what made me wanted to cry was backtracking in the grass. Then the rain began to drizzle. It never ended up raining forreal, just a decent drizzle at that.

I was also breaking into a new pair of flats. Wearing them during the day was fine. They were the most comfortable pair of flats I’ve ever worn. But any pair of flats regardless can only result in blisters. I definitely got those. Before I knew the necklace went missing, I complained about walking all around in them. They hurt, most definitely. Although, when I left for the search, I had no intentions about worrying about the pain anymore. It became a petty thing, forgotten.

By the time I got back to the high school, I was full of blisters, beginning to bleed. After having my eyes glued on the floor for about an hour of searching, I lost my focus. If you have ever played Guitar Hero, there is this feeling of your vision still moving towards you like in the game. I looked up at the sky and the clouds were coming towards me. I blinked, and it happened again. I still have the string to the necklace, but no amulet.

From the day I got that necklace on our second monthary [I believe?], I have never worn another necklace in it’s place. Never. I guess tomorrow I’m back to the Sparrow necklace.

Photo is of webcam post of empty chesstt D;

I Should Be In A Bed Sleeping In Ohio!

Good god, today was such a tiring day! We got back last night around 8PM, but that didn't stop me from feeling tired today during school. No one wanted to be suffering through classes or walking through halls. All day I caught myself saying that I should he in a bad in Ohio sleeping! I held strong for most of the day, but I lost it 12th period. My Chem class was supposed to take notes on a PowerPoint Presentation, so the lights were off. That is the first mistake. Then, we never got to the notes. Instead, Mr. Lepo just talked and talked like no tomorrow about random things. So ofcourse, being drowsy from Band Trip, and with lights off, my eyes begin to droop. Right before the bell rang, I flinched and woke up in a startle. It was a little embarrassing, yet funny. After school, jazz band was canceled due to the tiredness of everyone. I actually went over the love's house without the worry and left on time. It was such a beautiful feeling, being able to lay with him again, just relaxing. I haven't seen him in four days, and 2 days was the limit. I made a sacrifice tonight, though I'm not sure if it was a smart one. I found my heart feeling heavier than my body, with the urge to throw up. I am the dramatist; I am not proud. Though, now we webcam and my heart feels at home. Photo is of webcamming.

A Dog & An Owner

I would be ashamed to admit that today wasn't very eventful, so l am ashamed. It really shouldn't be a shock because my Sundays never really were anything amazing in the first place. I don't want to admit that such a day I wouldn't be embarrassed to share relies on talking to him, but it may be true. Thee is the story of the dog and her master. Wait no, that seems too controlling.. let us refer to him as her best friend. ( you know.. "man's best friend") The two share a great relationship when they are together. They both wouldn't change it for the world. The dog is bound to home, so its not like she gets the chance to leave whenever. Therefore, she cherishes the time she has with him. He on the other hand has full freedom to go about in the world and do many things. Some days he will spend the entire day with friends and live. The dog knows better not to be jealous because that is just how life works out. She is bound to home while he is out. She does not get mad or run a rampage and destroy the house, but she simply waits for his return. The downer days are the long events where he comes home late and goes straight to bed. As soon as he walks in, the dog's tail gives off a little wag. He is more than tired and gives her a little ruffle through her hair with his right hand, showing he cares, nonetheless. He continues into the room. Door shut, the dog kind of just sits there, all wagging stopped. An inevitable sadness hovers overhead after a long day's session of the waiting game ends in a fade out. She gets up and heads back over into her bed, only hoping that tomorrow will be a better, more eventful, day. As much as I would not want to compare myself to the role of a dog, the information has its relevance. I do not get mad or anything. It is simply a bit of disappointment that will hopefully fade away tomorrow. Photo is of me eating shrimp chips and watching Monster this afternoon. :)

Coming To A Stop

Days are so hard without you. The day literally drags on. I even went to the mall and couldn't stop checking my phone.. Decipher my Tumblr posts and my Facebook status updates, and every emotion is revealed. You can be gone for an hour, and my whole life comes to a stop. I can do other things, but my mind isn't clear. You honestly get me through the day. Just being able to text you on good or bad terms allows me to work better than nothing at all!

"Part of me belongs to you. Please don't runaway with it."

Photo's of pair of shorts I bought <3

Hold Strong For Your Heart

So I am laying in bed right now with my head full of curls for tomorrow. It more or less happened out of pure boredon as I began to curl my hair with the straightener. I guess tomorrow will be a girly day haha.. As for today, the goal was to hold strong and be happy and optimistic. Goal scored. I held together and managed a good day with you.. The unfortunate part of today was you going to the ms right after school with sean.. I felt that.. Having such a good day called for spending ime well together after school too. ofcourse, I promised to stay strong. I cant pull you away from plans you make with friends. I had practice anyways.. The kind where we just BSed the whole time and was pointless. You said that to keep you around, all I had to do was say the magic words. I pulled myself together and insisted you to go.. I felt like it was part of the change where I cant kill Myself over the facts. It was a hard thing to say no and push you away like that but I reel like I did good today. We better still be hanging ou soon my love! Alone. Photo will be of waiting at the bus stop today.

Live By Quotation

"I want to be able to keep you -us- as happy as we were when you first asked me out"

I never want to be the one to upset you and ruin a day.. But I did also promise to always be open with how I feel, despite how minute or grand the emotion turns out to be. My promise has worked out for better and for worse in separate occasions. Today just upset me so much. I haven't exactly told you in person, but you will probably read this.. Well I was so upset because last week was by far one of the worst weeks. I wanted last week to end so badly because I wanted to forget it a look forward to a better week: this week. I was pulled so far aback from my optimism this afternoon that I just became a bitter person. All I want to do is relax with you alone for a given hour or so. I haven't really been given that opportunity except Friday.. I am stil waiting for that day's opportunity where I get to just lay with you and listen to our breathing and heartbeats. I am technically still upset, but I really want to live up to the quote. I am going to try harder to look on the brighter side of things. You have taken over my heart and priorities. Your happiness is mine, too and I want to maintain stability there. How you have been dealing with me for 5 months - I do not know. I just know that I never want to imagine a life without you. Photo is of the Target Bunny beause I went there tonight. haha

"That's Totally The Wrong Hole, Man!"

How am I supposed to come terms with the fact that I just want you all to myself? More or less, the question is how do I deal? Today was pretty exciting for the most part, but as soon as it hit the point where I was sitting alone in front of the HS for 15 minutes , I was depressed. It was so great how the two of you bonded so well, it was pretty damned amazing.. but then it got to this point where live couldl've paused in a midst of a laugh and I could have been cropped out of the picture and it just wouldn't have made a difference. Sitting alone waiting for a ride made me tear up at the terrible thought : the day you may come to finally become bored of me and realize I'm not all that interesting. It makes me shit bricks.. I really odon't want to be proven right.. Photo 's of whatever I upload lol

"He's Fast: He's At The End And You Still at Start"

Gahh.. I seriously hate being without a laptop.. I wouldnt mind the idea of posting from my ipod so much if I had great wifi in my apartment, but I dont. Today is a sad disappointment just in fact that I wish couldve hung out with you after school, just the two of us. What was still unfortuate turned out to be okay. We just hung out in the band room alone as you played guitar and I jokingly made up lyrics. They were pretty good I will not lie. The bad singing was not fake though, as much as I wish it were haha . Tomorrow morni g should seem the play out well.. Hopefully I get ro enjoy some breakfast with the guy I love.. Maybe some good old eggs and pancakes! Nom! Photo to be posted is of a pastel drawing I did tonight.

Equivalent To It's Tomorrow?

So... I believe I just finished baking 9 dozen cookies, half of which are chocolate chip, while the other half is of double chocolate chunk. Sounds tasty, huh? Typically, I stop eating by 8:30 everyday, but baking tonight made me go against that standard -_-' I needed to taste some to make sure! As far as I'm concerned them shet be goood! :3 I feel redeemed from the last bake sale I actually tried to bake something..we won't discuss that here, though. Amongst tonight, I also realized that no day will be as great as the one before or equivalent to it's tomorrow. This revelation can play out to be something positive or negative. More or less, a individual person's level of optimism determines that part. In scenario one, you have a bad day. The worst thing you could possibly imagine happens- the nightmare you want to wake up from. Tomorrow won't be as bad, that is something you can count on. It is impossible for the same day to repeat itself twice in a lifetime. Scenario 2 accounts for the individual greed for happiness we each posses. The best thing you could possibly ever imagined has happened today. You are on Cloud 9 and definitely don't want to leave. I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but tomorrow won't be as epic. Happiness in tomorrow is only today's after-effect and that spuratic feeling of excitement is no longer present. As much as we can shut our eyes tight and wish, the same day isn't happening twice. This is all life in action. Sorry if I confused you. :] Photo's of sushi I had today with the brah. Nom :D

What Shame? None

So we walked the way with Joe and Francis, and I fell on my ass. -_-' Thank god they didn't see, but the Dominican eventually helped me up. We joked around the whole way: he tried to push me into puddles and I would run ahead. It was warned that the ground was slippery. The slush was already seeping through my boots. I guess I really should've seen it coming, but oh well haha.. We quickly made our way back to his house [as "quick" as we really could be].. and I was lent some dry clothes. Jacob and Francis began to play Halo and COD as me and Joe went on FB. It was actually fun taking my shots at video games, though I was failing. The Dominican's mama came home around 4:33PM, MUCH earlier than usual. @.@ Thank god we were with other people! It was a good day to prove that we can still hang out with others and have somewhat a good time. Then, his father came home. I won't deny that I freaked out when his parents came home because I was naturally nervous.. With all that nerve, I tried to get my ride home. Neither of my siblings were available and I was more mad at my brother. I asked him ahead of time for a ride and he said okay. I call him an hour later and he's still at work. That aggrivated me and my last resort was calling my parents. I can't stand the fact that they don't understand this relationship I'm in...or the rest of the world and how it's changed. Not every guy wants to get in your pants. What "shame" am I supposed to have in hanging out with my best friend, my love? He's not just a boyfriend. This isn't the 80's. I drew tonight to relieve some stress. The drawing's crap. sorry.

That Sick Feeling

Hrmm.. today took a while to come around full circle. It's never a decent feeling to go to sleep without hear the voice of the person you love. I haven't talked to you since 6:00PM, yesterday. Today during school, you wouldn't even keep eye contact with me.. it hurt so much. Before first period, I was already prepared to leave the building. By 8:50AM I had this sick feeling in my stomach dreading to see your face. At lunch, you wouldn't even look at me. I held back my hardest from tearing up during the day. Finally we got to your house and we laid down. Things still weren't right. I broke down in your arm, tears drenching your white v-neck. We finally discussed what went wrong. Eventually, resolve was found and once and I was smiling brightly as any day, maybe more. I can't bear not talking to you for even an hour. The idea of going without your voice or texts for a day was unbearable.

And The Balloon Goes Pop!

'I could say I don't want to talk about today, but that's unfair. Hrmm..I can recall being so content during the day. I was honestly so excited to finally spend a day with you well-after a good week or so. It upset me at the end of the day, after I couldn't find you for a good while, that you broke the news to me. When I asked where you were, you stated that you were in the front, as if I was supposed to know! Then, on top of those feelings, my day's anticipations were crushed. It's not the first time that has happened, but what can we do? Anyways, I guess I'm at fault for us not going anywhere until an hour later of waiting in the front. I was still in this state of deflation, my anticipation popped with the needle of today's reality. I couldn't decide where to go because I always say we should go to Dunkin Donuts or Wendy's and so I don't know where else. I came to terms with the fact that we can't be like that for the short afternoon we have. I wasn't going to stand around with the group of people out in front; I wanted to be with you. Call me greedy, I don't care. We ended up roaming Walgreen's aimlessly and then settling down at Wendy's for a Oreo Twisted Frosty. We laughed and the situation got better. I was so glad to actually be with you. It took a while to jump back onto my feelings of content, but we somewhat got there. I lost it again slightly when we finally had to leave. I love you for waiting at the bus stop with me. I swear, I would've pushed you onto the bus to take you home with me. Instead, as the 74 bus approached, I ran to you and gave you a hug- to say good bye for the next three days. IS IT MONDAY YET? Photo's silly, video can be judged on your own.

Apologetic For The Silly Things

So the grandparents are now gone. I came home to find the cousins sitting in the kitchen for dinner. They have been around more often since the grandparents have been around. It was an interesting evening. We watched TV and laughed around. Around 6:30 my entire family went to the Newark airport to drop them off. It is sad yes, but I can only pray that they have a safe trip. Today jealousy didn't really, really get to me. I more or less accepted what happened and just asked if it did. I guess..mentioning any time is just annoying now, and I do apologize for that. I don't know what happened today..I think I ruined the mood with that because then on, I didn't feel so into it. I promise to stop. I trust you with all of my heart- I really do. Hrmm.. As for other topics, the scare we put ourselves in is not safe at all. I'm honestly just looking forward to tomorrow. It's Friday :D Photo's of Olga driving!!! She gave me a ride home- thanks Olga! LOL It's only her second time driving with her official license.

Are We Even Celebrating At All?

Happy Christmas Eve, world. and I guess disregard that if you dont celebrate lol. Being able to wake up late without any worries is such a blessing. Today was my sister's birthday and we just totally celebrated low-key. Around noon, my mom and I sang to my sister as she stood over a tiny Carvel cake. We ate spaghetti;: very common in Filipino celebrations. [I think it's for good luck or something] Its so depressing how my family comes about celebrating the holidays. By 9PM I was sitting exactly where I am now as my dad shut his door, ready to head in for the night. My mom is at work and my brother's gone. My 21 year old sister did not even get piss drunk. This is typically how it is with any holiday -sigh- You get used to it...as much as you don't want to.

Touch Me Like An iPod

Woo I finally got an iPod touch! :D after two trips to the mall, of course. at around 8:30am this morning, I went to Willowbrook with my sister and her boyfriend. He ended up buying a SONY TV while I wandered off into the mall. With the crapload of birthday money I had, I decided to walk into the Apple store. I've been wanting an iPod Touch for quite some time now, but now that my 5G video iPod is messed up, I had even more reason to go through with it. Just as I was about to purchase it, the guy who was helping me out, Iqbal, said I could get 10% off if I recycled my old one. Excited yet sad, I left to do just that. As it turns out, I had to leave anyways because my sister's bf had to attend a wedding. About two hours later, I went back with my brother and got it :D That dude, Iqbal, was pretty chill. When I got home, there was nothing really to do except sleep. I sulked in a jar of Nutella with a fork for a while, but i laid on the couch and knocked out. It is so much better to sleep, rather to think as the day goes by, without being able to do something. The day sort of picked back up tonight around 10PM when we began to talk out the problem. I don't know if you're reading this right now, but I love being able to talk about our problems. I never want to just leave them hanging or push them aside. As god may be on our side once again, we stayed on the phone phone.. 1:30AM until 3:47AM. The best few hours of my day. By the end of our conversation, tensions turned into light-hearted laughs, which I just love so much. I refuse to ever let a night go by and fall asleep with a heavy heart. I love you. Oh, I got stuck sitting on the floor this morning with the TV filling up the whole seat.

Monthary

I favor the idea of forgetting the events of earlier today during school. But story short, it involved uncalled for distance, feelings of being upset, and a shed of a couple tears on Rey's Eeyore plush. >.>

As for this afternoon, thing mended up. Even after period 12, my mind was still unsettled. I skipped the guard's ice cream party to be with you. That decision was a very easy one because I needed to know what was going on and hey, I'd rather be with you on any Friday, and especially this one in particular. I'm not such a sucker for dates, but as of today, we've been together for a month. =] It really had been an amazing month being able to spend every day with you, minus those dreaded weekends! Some days weren't the best, but it all molded together in the end into something better. Being able to lay with you somehow always makes my day 10x better, forgetting anything bad thats happened prior. I love you.

Not In The Mood

Day 2 didn't trail off as gorgeously as yesterday did. I was waiting for the the whole day to pass so I could see you, but around period 6 Lunch, I discovered that you weren't up to par. She found out and became very, very pissed off. I was actually having a decent day, but to find out that you're upset makes me feel similarly. The end of school finally came around and I found out she was crying a lot. >.> It made me feel bad, but when we met up in the band room, my whole day lit up again. I was with you and that was one of the only things that mattered. Still to this day, texting you brings me such good feelings inside that I can almost tell that you feel too. [other than the fact that you've told me XD] It always ends my nights nicely, and allows me to sleep good. :) Oh, LOL according to the picture, we fit Jaelynn into one of the top lockers in the band room :D

So We Lost - What Else Is New?

Belleville against Bloomfield today..we lost. ofcourse. haha

The day was quite interesting.. I wasn't sure if I felt pissed off or happy by the end of it. I was very content at the football game because it is my favorite out of all of them. I know so many people from there that it brings a good feeling to see a lot of familiar faces. I sort of got pissed off at myself because of our performance, but what the hell. It's just a football game. I'll work harder this upcoming week. Our first competition is next Saturday! Oh goodness! Feelings of a controversial happiness came over me, as we got back from the game. Questions were being asked and things were being assumed. It was sort of funny. Oh, here's somehting from Per 1 Health Class. haha