Sunday, January 31, 2010

Tiu Tiu Tiu

Sunday Sunday Sunday. I didn't do much today, just slacked around like usual..Church is church and I'm actually singing and participating in a way now we went to the mall for a bit and I got my eyebrows threaded. I can never not cry when I get them done! It's actually kind of funny. I found out that if I kept my original Chinese name, I would've been Stefanellie Tiu. I ate wafers allll day. Gah, I need to stop. Tomorrow we start second semester and things just might turn out good. :) Photo's of cam whoring in the car. haha It's not the best picture...It looks better from far away

Saturday, January 30, 2010

By God's Greatest Blessing

122 days is the equivalent of 4 months. I have been with you for four months today. I'm so happy we had a good day. A day free from problems and just overcame a resolution. I really wish I just could have spent this day with you in person. On any given day of the week, I can spend it with you, but today just feels like a bit more. I'm not one for flaunting dates, but four months ago, I had my first kiss. And by god's greatest blessing, it was with you. Today we mostly webcammed and I thought your nephew was so adorable. I text you all day like usual, and my love for it has not shifted at all. To finally say "4 months" makes me happy. The facts finally make sense with how I truly feel. Last month I kept debating on how I feel like we've been together for 4 or 5 months; I would literally stop and think about it. I like where we are, and I pray that it doesn't change. I pray that we are more than just months, I love you. Photo's of webcammin' :)

Friday, January 29, 2010

Regardless Of Time And Difficulty

One of the greatest feelings in life is resolution. It is the light at the end of that dark tunnel that many have referred to as their own personal "hell". Sometimes there are situations when you feel like it's all over. But once you go through hell and are in the light looking back, you can finally take a sigh of relief. The thing about resolution is that it is very spontaneous. It can happen immediately. It can happen within a couple of hours, or for the unfortunate- a day or more. That's what happened today. The situation went wrong yesterday and I didn't pick at it. I really wanted to though. We didn't text since we parted ways yesterday and it killed me for the rest of the day, into today. This resolution didn't come somewhat until period 10 lunch. Every period before that, we walked the halls and you wouldn't even look at me, you wouldn't talk. I asked what's wrong and you say you're fine. My disbelief was strong. At lunch, I confronted you and we talked. I was glad that you finally opened up about it because essentially, that means we could find a hopeful solution. I think just knowing lifts a great weight off my shoulders. After school, we left as soon as possible. I feel that we were finally alone, we could take a breather and sort this out. I feel like the moment I really got to kiss you, we had already taken three steps forward. From then on, resolution finally came around. I finally got to look into those eyes and confess how much I love you. Regardless of time and difficulty, resolution is gorgeous. Spur of the moment, I sketched this piece.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Sing Us A Song Of The Century

Mmm..I don't know what's going on. I thought I was being pretty optimistic today, but I guess I fucked up? I don't know. I didn't know where you head was at this afternoon and I've been worried ever since. I came home at like 5 and did my homework. Maybe I should start doing it earlier, because it gives me more time to procrastinate. I watched the Winter X Games tonight. That was cool. I wasss gonna sleep, but I decided to play around with the pastels Kim gave me for Christmas. It's not my forte, but I tried anyway.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Sure, Let's Go With That.

Whoa..this is my 180th post. dang. Today was wierd. I'm such an indecisive person. It's either that, or I can't read my own emotions. For a split second I began to think too hard and bam! There I was - distraught. ah, and for 4 months of happiness, there's also been this annoying fringe that dangled off for the whole time being. Don't complain for the obvious. Move on with life, geez. Sure, I'm bitter, let's go with that. Working towards friends is so much stress. Photo represents nothing. I had no picture of anything special today.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

My Attention To The Irrelevant

I've become more prone to tearing up. Ever since I've been with you, I've become so openly emotional. Goodness, sometimess I can irritate myself! I would never let myself tear up in public, but they just find there way out of my eyes. I've become more sensitive to words and their meaning, even if they don't have any at all. I feel so embarrassed. I can get upset for something so irrelevant. A joke is a joke right? Why should I, so quickly, take offence? It's funny because I kept asking myself that same question over and over again, for the rest of those 40 minutes today. Considering what I've put you guys through, I feel like one little thing bursts the bubble and I'm just gone. My efforts are so sensitive because I'm scared it will all collapse. I don't even know. I'm writing this and I keep shaking my head. I can't put this situation into an understanding. I wish I didn't have to feel these emotions. My attention to irrelevance is so acute. I thought my FB results were funny. They're practically all gay.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Words Written Words Spoken was a regular Monday..nothing really special about it, but I did have alittle date with my life at Dunkin Donuts this afternoon :D Forgive me for possibly not making sense, but just being with you for two houws and staring into your eye makes my day completely. I could grab your hands and intertwine them with mine, look you in the eyes and you would blush. It's kinda cute. I'm usually the one blushing! haha We definitely both want the same thing..and for you to speak those same words as you texted me last night, gives it so much more effect. I could not contain my heart. Oh, we found a dead mouse today, yuck. Photo's of an amazing whale and a baby whale :D ..but Dan ruined it. -_-

Sunday, January 24, 2010

It's A Cripple's Race

Wow, I think the odor of smoke is all over me and has gotten me congested. No, not cigarettes; I just finished part of a project where I coffee-stained the paged and burnt the edges. The smart aspect about this is that theres no ventilation where I am! :D Anyways, today was church and limping around is quite a bitch. Running late for church, I was the last one out of the house. We have 14 steps (I counted them when I was younger) downstairs to get out of this place. I hopped on my right foot the whole way down. After church, mama took care of me and wrapped my swollen ankle up :) I love you mamaaa :D Photo's of some chem I was just helping Kate with.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

With Clenched Fists, I Leaned

Too many people have gotten hurt today. Today was a fun day.. I woke up at 12 and got ready for Audrey's ice skating birthday party. I was 30 minutes late; I am such a fail. Hey, but given the results, I never fell! I almmost fell twice and the second time was kinda bad. Jeff fell down and his legs kicked up. Lucky me was standing next to him, spinning in a circle, kind of on the verge of falling. The blade ended up hitting the palm of my right hand. It wasn't too bad, but there's a slit on my palm...and those blades can't POSSIBLY be sanitary! A couple people fell and Ana stuck to the rail. Haha..I tried to help but it just wasn't working. Afterwards, we split up into two groups, two cars to get back to Aud's house for food. While waiting for our ride, Sean, Roland, Abby, Ana, and myelf played around in the playground. Roland literally dropped his pocket on the swings. He tried to jump off, his jacket got caught and he fell flat on his tailbone haha..His entire pocket ripped off, and I have to sew it back on. Gah.. I tried to clim between two trees and that was the biggest failure. I got up the trees a few steps and I couldn't hold very well so I decided to jump off. When I jumped off, I looked for a clearing to land on. Yeahh..I missed it. I rolled on my ankle and I lost my breath. I tried to keep composure and leaned against the tree with cleanched fists. Gah it still hurts. Back at Aud's, I gorged on food and failed at Brawl. We watched Jennifer's Body. (pronounced Yenn-eee-furr's Bah-dee) Photo's of the peeps sitting on the bench, waiting.

Friday, January 22, 2010

I'm Almost Seeing

Today..worked out well. There was no initial plan, but I kept to what I've promised to do. This first step has been a step forward, thank god. Though I wished to have visited my sickly love, that did not go accordingly. The mother stayed home. In turn, I decided to take Ana back up on her offer to chill after school today. As promised, I would not drop one for the other. I continued to text my love, yet managed to have a fun day with people I haven't hung out with in a while. Jaelynn, Ana, and I went to Dunkin' after school where we became quite acquianted with the cashier there. haha More or less, just Jae. He kept looking over by accident and smiling hahaha she was so freaked out! Then we headed to Ana's house where we sat in the basement and watched Michelle Phan videos and such much fun! Around 6, we had to leave. Jae got dropped off and we headed to the movies and met up with Karen. We watched The Lovely Bones amongst a sea of obnoxious, immature, tweens. After the movie, we hit B&N where we journeyed through the Bargained Price section. We had so much fun with the Zodiac Sign book deciding whether or not the descriptions of who we supposedly are and our appearance were accurate. I really enjoyed today. Despite any situation, I will always have him in my heart and mind. Ana, if you come across this, I just want you to know that that fact doesn't alter any aspects of when we hang out. I am being fair to both sides. Choosing one over the other is not acceptable. I'm almost seeing a balance forming. Photo's of a poor clearance doll :( lol

Thursday, January 21, 2010

We'll Get There, Don't Worry

Sometimes it gets so hard trying to reflect back on your day at 12:43AM I suppose today was good. For the part that I spent my afternoon with you, yes ofcourse it was good :) There was this verry romantic part where I was about to leave and I kind of hesitated to turn around..I kind of still wanted one last good-bye kiss. I wasn't sure so I just turned around to start walking. As soon as I turned around, you yelled out, "Wait!" I turned around to look at you and I saw the same thing in your eyes. I ran back towards you and got that last final kiss before I was on my way. On another note, I have come to terms today with my friends and giving the most sincere apologies that they deserve. I'm still working on this balanced mix between the important aspects of my life, and I honestly believe we can get through this. :)

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Can You Really Blame

Holy Christmas yay, Mid-terms are over! I thought today was my hardest exam day, but it was not bad at all. I think I put too much effort in to studying than I needed to. Chemistry went fairly easy, seeing that Mr. Lepo basically gave us the entire test to study off of! (essays included!) The 45 minutes that I had after school with you before practice is something I cherish so greatly. I have my friends and I have the other half of me. I'm never chosing one over the other; both play too great of an importance in my life. Love is something that I have only truly been introduced to this year and it's the tiny part of me that I've been missing for so long. I may seem to never be around and with him, but can you really blame a person for wanting to be whole? Once again, I'm not chosing over anything or anyone. I still have time for friends, too. Photo is proof that I finally finished tonight! Imma give it to Jaelynn tomorrow..she's been asking me to make a plush for eeeeeeeeeeeevvvverrr. I was gonna give it to her for Christmas, but I never finished till now. Yes, I know it's late.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

And So It Seems...

A stranger can tell me we wont make it and I'll tell him that he's just a load of poop. I know how I feel and I know that he feels the same way too. The will and determination we have to not argue and continue as we did today is so strong, I believe. When we have godsent days like this, my heart just yearns for more. Argueing is such a tiring thing; it is so unnecessary. My heart has finally been happy for the first time in a few weeks. Haha, and so it seems that we are never too far away from our dreams. :) Photo's with Sean after Gym midterms chillen'.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Balance Scale

Today was something was a little different. I've changed things for the worse and it's affected both sides of my relationships. It's my responsibility and I fucked up. I've been trying to put back to friendships, and in turn I tipped over too much on this balance scale. I guess I deserve what I'm getting. Life won't work out exactly the way I want it to, but this is life.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

And So They Line-Danced Their Way Through The Night

Tonight was good. Honestly, I didn't want to go to the Santo Ninio celebration. Past experiences with church parties led me to believe I would end up as the loner on her iPod tonight. So I brought it incase. As it turns out, I actually put myself out there and participated in the 2-hour Filipino mass tonight. I couldn't understand a word they were saying, but I sand along best I could. I couldn't laugh along, but I kept my spirits up and my back straight. After mass, we went to the CCD school building for the after party in the basement. I luckily found Kate there, and a couple others that I know. I hung out with her the whole time, though she was supposed to be working clean-up duty for the ngiht. We line danced until sweat was drippin'; down our faces haha. It was quite fun and I'm proud that my initial assumptions of tonight were wrong. Hey, I didn't even use my iPod. Gahh, and still something is wrong. Goodnight, since you wont text me. Photo's of dance presentation by little kids. cute.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

To The Carpet Mall We Go!!

What can I say? Today was such a smooth, relaxing day. I woke up before noon and headed to Jersey Gardens with Kim :D By around 6:30PM we were fist pumping out way into Forever 21 and shopping galore! It's nice to spend time with the people you love the most..especially if there's been a lack of. As much as we have midterms on Tuesday, I hope to hang out with Ana and Jaelynn for the afternoon on Monday. I'm getting my life back on balance, and I'm sticking to that. I really wanted a new pair of converses tonight, not gonna lie. The one's Kimd bought were friggin amazinggg -.-' I'll wait til like spring. For now I'll be wearing my Blowfish booties :]

Friday, January 15, 2010

Way Too Freaking Long

Today was interesting. It's a first day on a new change of pace. I'm going to stop being negative and all that jazz. There was a slight downfall, but we've gotten through :D The days better now. Mid-terms today were ridiculous. English was way too freaking long and the one for Wind Ensemble actually took the whole period! D: It was never this hard either! booo lol yay weekend

Thursday, January 14, 2010


I'm through. I'm through with whining, I'm through with crying, I don't give a rat's ass about my sorry self. I'm pretty sure people are annoyed with me just as I am. I growing a pair and dealing with life. Fix these huge potholes in the road and file down the bumps. Life will be good, and dare I say, I'm not going to let myself get in the way. Life's too short. I have friends. I'm not losing them. I have love. I'm not losing him. There is a balance. I'm going to find it. I think I failed my French mid-term, no lie. I think I got my permit, though.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Balls To The Wall

First day back in school, I kind of don't want to deal with work any more. Midterms start tomorrow and I think I'm pretty much screwed. My self problems are still winning over a majority over me, but I swear I am going to get over it. Pa made us take down the tree tonight, so more room is in the living room. Plus, they are going to send out the LBC boxes out to the Philippines soon, so yay! room!! haha.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

A Lack Of Energy

So I slept just about all of today. I tried to get up, but the lack of energy did not fully allow me to. I thank the love of my life for staying up with me while I was dying until around 4AM and calling periodically to check up on me. Eating ice and drinking Pedialyte have consisted of my diet that has actually been sitting in my stomach. I tried to make ice pops out of foil, but that failed. She we froze shot glasses instead. I've texted you all of today and I think that has made me quite happy :)

Poisoned Into the Waste Basket.

January 11, 2009

I feel like the unlucky contestant who won a trip to the snake pit. It was probably a very stupid idea to not eat real food after the bomb scare evacuation. This morning, I only had half a bagel. Period 4, we were evacuated and Ana, Jaelynn, Audrey, and myself headed to Walgreens to pick up some snacks. We came back to Ana's house with white cheddar popcorn, kit-kats, dark chocolate, and twizzlers. We watched Paranormal Activity, scaring the crap out of Jaelynn. I go home afterwards and find some pasta a la vodka on the table waiting for me. I was already a bit queasy from all the junk food, but I decided to eat some anyway. We heard to the mall, and I'm slightly barfing in the parking lot of JC Penny. We head to the main mall and I'm feeling just about out of it. We head to the bathroom and I poop. I later find myself in the same bathroom, now with my head in the toilet. Holy Fuck. Paranormal Activity was not the one giving me nightmares that night. It was more or less finding myself with diarrhea, sitting on the toilet, while vomiting into a waste basket in front of me. I felt like I was on the verge of dying. Its no fun at all, being unable to breath while a waterfall of sour liquids and everything I possibly ate that day found it's way out of my system. I got thirsty after a while. I read somewhere that its good to drink flat ginger ale. I threw that up. I tried hot ginger tea. It wasn't before long until I was running pack to the bathroom. Every time I lied down, the substances found their way back up. I didn't want this reward. This stupid game show of a life. This picture disgusts me to the nth degree. ugh.

Sunday, January 10, 2010


Today... Sundays are so monotonous. Like yesterday I've been working on midterm review packets and reading the death of me : The Canterbury Tales. I took a break and headed to Clifton to the Verizon store to buy something for my sister . I ended up getting dropped off at BN for like half an hour, because my brother wanted to go see some girl at Applebee's. There, I ran into, or was stalked down rather, by Roland, Rey, Raymond, Fetus, and Kristine. That was a fun like..10 minutes or so. Then, I come home to a wonderful Chemistry Review packet and the ending of a long-ass story. Photo's of my brother devouring a burrito at Chipotle. I fucking hate weekends.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

That's A Lie

Umm..I did chemistry all day. Actually, that's a lie. I started at almost 7PM and before that I was sewing and just plain out procrastinating lol. Ugh, I don't know what happened tonight. Pictures of the dreaded notebook.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Beyond Normal

How much more can a heart sing when it feels at its peak? Today was amazing. You came over after schoo, as we journeyed on the NJ Transit bus :D We dropped our stuff off and went to MickeyD's and Stop&Shop. One of us got mistaken for the opposite sex, but I could care less about what people think. We watched FlapJack, you played guitar, we Youtube'd Xbox Project: Natal, and yes, we kissed. My smile today..was beyond its normal. I was so happy to be with you for like 6 hours. Man, I wish I had a picture of us to put up, but i guess not >.> Its a cup of one of my favorite drinks: mangoo juice!! >:D

Thursday, January 7, 2010

If Plans Go Right

We can be the people we strive to be in the best form, I swear it. Sleep is drowning me from the inside out, and I am completely looking foreward to tomorrow. If plans go right, we are to hang out after school at my house. Maybe walk to Blockbuster or MickeyD's and just be fat.. but whatever it is, I'll just be so glad to be with you :) I also plan on hanging out with mi dos amigo this weekend.. We should really find something fun to do! >:D I like where we are though..the friendships are slowing regaining some kind of conscience. Photo's of noneother lol . My face is nasty .

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


Sleep is not getting it's greatest attention from me like it should be, lately. This post may be be short. I have mid-terms next week. wooooo. .____. And no, I did not use the same picture twice. I actually took this one today and its fully finished.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Ordinary People

We all have it in us to be the nicest person we can possibly be. So why should anyone else dare judge you for your actions, or thoughts, if it is all out of common courtesy? Emotions can get in the way: jealous, anger, spite.. They can get in the way of us achieving the ultimate kind of courtesy we can. But in the end, we are all just 'ordinary' people. We can't avoid how we feel and we just have to deal with it. Life won't be the perfect happy go lucky road, but it is definitely worth it in the end.

Monday, January 4, 2010


Today was a great day. Others way have seen us to be all over eachother, but to me it was just an expression of how happy I was that we overcame some bad problems from over the weekend. I can say it now, with a better heartfelt tone. This oatmeal was oe of the only few things keeping me warm tonight

Sunday, January 3, 2010


I have fallen vulnerable when I really should've kept strong to my self-promise. I knew that if I became used to expressing my feelings and speaking when I have the tiniest thought, everything would fall down hill from there. I would become used to letting out emotions, even the ones I don't even understand. It would cause trouble with myself and others. I didn't even gradually become open with things. I just burst the fucking door open and said, "Here's everything that's going on in my head! I don't want to hide anything so here's the whole deal." I started to become comfortable with sharing emotions but god, come on crying?! I'm not supposed to be bawling my eyes out for others to hear. That's crosses the whole "I'm okay with everything. I'm tough scenario" I had going on. With you, I promised to be open with everything. But I guess everything is too hectic for even myself to understand. I don't want to regret it. Because honestly, it has given us a great amazing bond. My fists are aching for relief. But I'm not letting them because I promised you. I just don't know how I'm going to control this. Pleaase Pleaase talk to me if there's anything else.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Real Time

Today was good. I ended up going to Jersey [without lying! kind of.] to supposedly ice skate, but we didnt. On the way there, traffic was so bad that Laurence dared to get out of the car and run to Babo and get there before us. He actually did it ._. I stuck with Ana and Deejay and it was pretty fun just roaming around. After a while, it got tiring, but oh well. In JC there's such a small radius of places to walk to IN THE FREEZING COLD. We first hit Babo to gorge in their delicious belgian waffles and bubble teas ;D Then we hit the mall. We didn't even buy anything but we went from store to store just wandering. It makes me want to go to Garden State Plaza sooo bad! I really glad I got to spend real time with my friends because I haven't done that in a while, based on my fault. It's amazing what adventures you can experience being on the lightrail and pathtrains. Deejay had never been on a train before hahaha. Photo's of Laurence running back cus the should narrows haha.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Sort Of Wanted To

I write this coming back from the AMC:

"On Rt. 21, I sort of wanted to get into an accident. Maybe it would pull me away from all the problems in the world. There are no problems. The only problem here is me and every flaw I see in myself that, by some miracle, don't see. I hate myself. I'm so sorry."

And now, on the phone, my signs have changed a little bit. You're amazing.

Photo's of webcamming. We're all eating and listening to Ana watch wierd videos hahaha i really do miss this.. And im really going to mend every void i've created and im sorry =( i love you guys .