Friday, July 30, 2010

The Finale? 10 Months Point Pleasant




You wake up in the morning, expecting and hoping for the best. It hurts more to narrow your mind on just that. Therefore, one must be aware of the worst. I did that this morning. Hard feelings were still felt, but an argument was prevented. Sometimes I question if that is really a fair trade-off. Today we made 10 months. I swear, from the 30th of October 2009, and every monthary after that, something goes wrong. It's literally like we're PMSing, but so much more constant than well, my own cycle. I can't say that we completely pulled out of that ditch today, considering how you left tonight so abrupt. I already confessed my feelings for you last night, and they are nonetheless true.

Anyways, we couldn't hang out today. It was honestly a big bummer because today means a lot to you and I. I haven't seen you for two days, but what can we do, right? I have previously declined plans
with Kim to be with you today, but that decision didn't live up to it's every word. In the midst of curling my hair, because I had nothing better to do with my life, she texted me with the offer again. I told her the situation, and I was out of the house by 4PM. Unfortunately, we were stuck in a car for two hours until we reached Point Pleasant Beach. Her family kept irritating her, always talking and nagging. All I could do was really laugh, trying to keep moods light.
To kidnapped my phone and we were on that for a majority of the time. FINALLY on the boardwalk, we were able to walk around on our own and explore. We ended up playing DDR in the arcade on standards that weren't so standard. When first put our money in, she hit "single player" only. Then, when we got another game, she put our multiplayer mode on battle. PLUS, there was a creepy guy who stood behind us, trying to comment on a few things. As much of a fail as that was, it was all the more hilarious and memorable. We indulged on a fudge apple with mini-M&Ms after our dinner. We also got a free ride as the guy who collected tickets at The Himalaya didn't even pay attention as we passed through. He thought we had unlimited ride passes and continued to count his tickets. On the way home, we encountered more dilemmas. Leaving around 9:40PM, I did not get home until about midnight. About 30 min. into the drive back home, we realized that the stroller was left back at the shore. We had to drive back. The entire drive back, Kim texted for me, as I sat there next to her, feeding her things to say. It was well-enough a very worthwhile night.
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Who knew that I would really end up here, saying my good byes to something I thought wouldn't last it's length. Who knew that one year of simply documenting myself would also mean documenting the greatest and worst feelings in my entire life? Here, in words and pictures, I have dedicated a blog to a year where I find true happiness and experienced the greatest struggles of my life thus far. I can read back to day 5 and realize how I've grown as a person. I'm not sure what I'm going to do tomorrow. I think I'm going to start a new, similar project. because I am so used to this, and so proud. Thank you so much for the few readers I've had. It's meant so much to me, that people would actually be willing to read into a life like mine. I hope to see you in my new blog, one way or another! Photos are from the beach of course :)

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Tears, Target & A Phone Call

I told myself I would try to start summer reading and AP Chem work today. Yeah, pretty funny joke there. The most of my efforts went to trying to get a ride to the mall to get a phone case, and still I am empty handed. Last night didn't go well, as far as continuing that three day streak of pure happiness. I screwed up a nice, awaited phone call, being tired and out of it completely. I called him back this morning and it completely made up for last night. Our tired, groggy selves started talking and for almost an hour did I feel happiness. The happiness I should have felt last night. I went to Target tonight, hoping to get a phone cover. What I did get though, was a crying sister, whom was arguing with her boyfriend. She wanted to go to the beach with him tomorrow morning, but his backup car has bad tires. She tried to negotiate with him, propositioning to go half on the two tires at $45 a piece. He really didn't want to spend the money on a car he rarely uses. I tried to cheer her up, cracking jokes here and there, and for the most part it worked. Tomorrow is a big day, and I'm excited :) It's the 30th! Photo is of the childhood dream.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Believing That Gut Feeling Again

I'm not sure how much truth is in the feelings I felt today, and I'm a little embarrassed to post it. I would like to believe that we are finally happy. I know that a streak of three days of nothing but happiness, can't exactly prove me right, but I couldn't help but indulge in our happiness.


This morning went pretty well, as far as rehearsal goes. We started learning work, which meant we are starting to turn the notch up for the rookies. Even with that, everyone was learning work at a decent pace, especially for the first day. I'm pretty confident with where we are right now. We only have 2 new girls. Jaelynn came by with Erik to visit, and it was really nice seeing her in that environment again.. I wish things weren't the way they were, but I can only do so much and keep moving. I just might try again, but I don't want to ride up her butt about rejoining. So maybe just once more. After rehearsal, I hit up the lover because I have been dying to see him. Apparently, the maid was still home and finding reasons to stay longer. While waiting, I made my way to 7-11 where I bought myself a slurpee and two taquitos. Finally, when I was able to go over his hosue when the coast was clear, I have him one taquito and most of the slurpee. [it started to melt!] Minus a scare in the form of a knocking at the door WHICH TURNED OUT TO BE FRANCIS, everything in this day had my mind and heart in the state on being content. Three days of this and I don't know whether or not to believe my gut feeling. Photo is of another flag design I tried to make for our guard this morning. It's crap, I know.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

New Phone Texting Like A Monster All Day

Wow, it's crazy to think that I have about one more post before this project ends. "Gah, my hands hurt so much from texting... ON MAH NEW BLACKBERRY THAT FINALLY CAME IN THE MAIL TODAYY. I woke up today, early, hoping he could come over. Unfortunately he couldn't, so I just went back to sleep. I stayed up a bit, but I was too tired myself to wait for the lover who also went back to sleep. I finally got up at 1PM, ready to make myself a good breakfast: chocolate chip-filled pancakes. YUMM! Later, into the afternoon, I awaited my package via Fedex. When it came, I was running down the stairs like a little girl on Christmas morning. The guy who delivered my package didn't look to cheer and when I opened the door something fell from above. Apparently, my mom had put tisse at the top of our screen door because there is a gap were flies are getting in. When I opened it, it all fell down, and even I was shocked and confused. He thought I intentionally threw it at him, but I, nervously laughing, denied it. I thought he was gonna beat me up or something. The events after that were simple: texting, texting, setting up my new phone, setting up BBM, BBMing all day and all night. I only have three friends on BBM right now, but its whatever. Photo is of my new phone :D As much as I hated the craze, I'm in it now.


Monday, July 26, 2010

The Most Prominent Feeling

As updated on Facebook, I had a really good day- and it's true! After not having seen the lover for about 2 weeks, he finally was able to get out of the house and come over. It was so heart-relieving to be next to him, playing COD4. Man, I really suck at that game! Early into the afternoon, we left my house and rode to Wendy's for some food. From there on, and everything else we did that day, we had one of the greatest conversations ever. We didn't speak of anything specific the entire time, but it seemed like no matter what we did talk about, conversation was always fresh, lively, and flowing. It seemed like every laugh we shared was so genuine and in the moment. "In the moment" where as there was no other way to go but enjoy what we were doing and who we were with. I didn't have butterflies in my stomach; it wasn't something like that. I'm already well enough comfortable with this guy that even though butterflies are still around, they aren't the most prominent feeling. The most prominent feeling runs through my entire being, knowing in fact that I'm spending time with the love of my life and no matter what I do with him, I am always happy.


It seems that the past while that I have been down and stressed was undone. I've come to realize that he is my major happiness & I am so grateful for that. Photo is of him and his shirt [which I really like] while we were at Wendy's. PS. I got preached to at Target tonight. -_- It was kind of weird to experience it while trying to shop around, but I'm starting to favor the idea of going by the Bible, word for word.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Happy Birthday Deejay Rock!

I take a little step outside out of my recent negativity and realize that hey, I had a good day. After church, I went to Deejay's house for his birthday. We all just chilled out for the afternoon, watching movies and eating some good BBQ and chips. I was told to bring a bathing suit just in case, but it was raining for a good while. I was mentally set on an afternoon in, just chilling. A small group of us, Jae, Ana, Emily, Shianne, Deejay, and I, talked and chilled out, even playing some pool and air hockey. Politely, I stopped texting the lover, and actually enjoyed the party. I didn't worry too much and just decided to have a good time. I haven't been out much lately, so today was the start of that change. It was nice getting to hang out with Jae again, along with Ana, too. Times like today with these people always have me laughing so hard, I love them! Photo is of Kim's bracelet which I finished tonight! :)

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Inception Towards The End Of My Project

A a dream, within a dream, within a dream, within a dream = MINDFUCK.


Ah, it was a good movie. Although we saw the 11:30PM showtime, which didn't really start until midnight, and it ended at 2AM, it was well worth it. So much thinking actually kept me awake. This morning, I showed up for a Tag Day with Anna, Sison, and the Burtons. It was nice, because we were all too lazy and hot to keep asking. I was so unwilling to do it that I sat at my kitchen table until 9AM and then decided to get dressed and leave. Mind you, report time was at 9AM. Afterwards, I got picked up by my brother and we went to Dunkin Donuts with his girlfriend. It was weird at first, but she seemed nice enough. We actually had conversation which never happens. I would typically just avoid it at all costs. Then, I got my hair fixed by Ireesh, which I'm very grateful for. She gave me tips about getting my hair cut at salons and whatnot. I find it much easier to go to someone you know and tell them what you want in opposed to trying to tell a stranger- specifically the old peeps at the mall. Photo is of a soccer field. My brother's friend had a game, so we stopped by before the movies.

Friday, July 23, 2010

I've Eaten Way Too Much Today & Ran From A Storm

Everyone aspires to be the individual- to be the person who can stand on their own. I have become an individual, and I have never felt so alone in my life. This isn't a pity post about how lonely I am in my life and how I wish I had my old life back. This is about the human realization that being "an individual" isn't all it's hyped up to be. It's the dream to always have someone by your side, when you're up, down, piss-drunk, high, etc.


Today was annoying mixed with a side of stress, while I honestly thought I was going to get that physical vacation I've been begging for. My mind has checked out so long ago that my body needs to catch up. We went to the beach today. Last night was so hectic figuring out whether we should go to 6 Flags or the beach, and we decided the beach. Then, this morning while I was getting ready, my sister calls me and asks if I still want to go. That is where the irritation began. I was frustrated in fact that the decision was made and here we were last minute, questioning it. Can we please stick to one plan? The day could not go without my mother complaining and whining about what should've, could've, and wasn't done. We forgot to bring coins for tolls and parking. We forgot to bring a blanket. She would not hop off either problem. Aside from that, today was fun. Riding the waves, learning how to tread water, boobs popping out, seeing fatter versions of Taylor Lautner... today was good. It didn't live up to the potential vacation my mind had set, but what ever does right?

When we got back from the shore, I quickly came home to shower and change. I met up with friends at Red Robin's for Deejay's birthday dinner. It was chill, but this is where I felt the difference of being an individual. I felt like I was fending for myself, trying to keep myself out there. It's been a while since I was able to chill with people, feeling 100% comfortable with them and not afraid to open my mouth. Times have changed and here I am. I caused too many awkward moments tonight because I'm kind of out of the loop. I want to be the kind, chill person I know I can be, but I'm afraid that when I say things I'm too comfortable with, I sound like a jerk because these aren't the right people to say it to. As an end result, I don't say anything at all. What's wrong with me? Photo is of a crane machine at Point Pleasant that reminded me of Jacob. He really wanted one, but I didn't do it xD VUVUZELAAAS!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Failure By Design

Tonight brought up a little scare that had me down in the dumps. All day I felt on the fence, nor happy nor sad, but by 9PM, the night was already a tough one. When our relationship is risked, I freak out. Then, I have to play the whole "he said she said" game and find out who knows, when we're trying to keep it on the down-low. I look back on it now and I feel bad for suddenly riding up my friend's ass with blame and a warning. I should have approached the situation more politely, but hey, it's what happened. Today also consisted of trying to make flag designs for our show. I'm willing to do as much as I can to make this show good. It will literally be ours. Photo is of that design. PS. I need to get out more..beach tomorrow yay! :D

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Captain? I Am & Swimming? I'm Up For It

Today felt like our first legitimate practice. I haven't done anything lately, so I found myself breathing heavily and a little out of shape. A new girl came today, and teaching her with the other four of us went the closest it could be to "smoothly". I feel like I'm adapting more into this role as captain because giving commands or leading flag basics doesn't make me too nervous anymore. It still does, but at a much more comfortable level. Although I miss a few people who are gone and a new girl quit today, I'm still moving forward. In my role, I aspire to be the best leader I can be and give these girls the greatest experiences as a guard member. I want them to feel what I've felt in my years experiences. Sure, there are times when I hate it, but I know without it, I'm slightly lost. The new girl has a boyfriend in the band and I wished for myself, "Dang I wish my boyprend was here, too!"


Later, after practice, I thought he wasn't coming by. While I was in the chorus room, I turned around and there he was standing in the middle room! Anything else on my mind such as guard, practices, or friends completely left my conscience. My mind dropped into a state where my one and only goal was to get over there and hug him so tightly. It was the same feeling as from last night and I loved it. We ended up going swimming at Deejay's house with Ana and Emily which was fun, to say the least. I like this idea of hanging out altogether. I mean, based on my views of today, it worked out. Maybe this is possible. Photo is of a flag design we might need, considering how our instructor had to quit. We're on our own.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Only For A Minute

The best part of my day happened about an hour ago - and it was only a minute. Last night I asked my brother around 1AM if he could drive me to Jacob's place to drop off the 10 or 11 dozen cookies, packaged in a Quaker Oats Variety Pack box, that I made just for him along with the music note bracelet I made. He said no. I tried to make deals with him and bribe him, but it was still a no. He said he would do it tonight. I asked earlier tonight and he said no, so I tried to ask my sister, bribing her as well. No's all across the board, I couldn't do anything about it. Then, my brother says, "Hey Tep, I'll take you to see Jacob if you come with me to Blockbuster." The only distinct thought that ran through my head was "OH-MUH-GAAAAAAAAAAAD. OH-MUH-GAAD!" I was unbelievable happy in that moment and every moment until I got home. Anyways, we drove over there in the midst of the night after finding out that Blockbuster now closes at 11PM and it was already midnight. On quiet Union Ave., I got out of the car and waited at the bottom of the steps, one house down, out of view, box and bracelet in hand. I haw him walking down the step and I began to feel a tingle in my face. Uh, yeah. It's kind of like butterflies in your stomach, but on your face. Don't judge me -_-' I began move frantically in place, as if I were standing on a pile of hot rocks, barefoot. As dark as it was, and as unclear he was to me, I knew well enough this is the person I've missed for 5 whole day. So quickly that I couldn't even pull out a smile first nor say a word, I hugged him tightly. I was so happy and complete, in that moment. We tried to part ways once with a "Goodbye" and "I love you", but I hesitated twice to do so and came back for kisses and hugs. Ah, this is where the significance in my day lays. I


I tried to go out earlier, to Deejay's but the parents said no, and considering how much they've been letting me out lately, I dealt with it. If I don't argue back, they'll keep letting me out :D I ended up cleaning the kitchen a bit and I even got a compliment when Papa came home. Go team. Photo is one of Papa and I which I sent to Jacob as proof I was sitting next to him!

Monday, July 19, 2010

I'm Still Waiting To Shit Bricks

The only significant thing I can recall from today is..well baking tonighAdd Videot. I made a whole other batch of Tollhouse cookies for the family, considering the past ones were all for the lover. Ah, no I remember. This morning I woke up, begging to close my eyes again. Last night, I followed a random urge to cut my hair. I wanted all the layers I had before so I grabbed the scissors. This morning, I didn't move once I gained conscience. For a second I almost believed it was all a dream, but I then pulled at my hair to find its length not so lengthy at all. My layers are uneven; hopefully I can have Ireesh fix them for me. I've had them pinned back for the rest of the day, playing the new 360 and whatnot. I haven't done much today; everyone has gone out to see Inception.. I need to see it! Photo is one of two sketches I did earlier of costume ideas for this year. Oh, dilemmas.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

QUAINT

Ah, so my morning started off on a hasty foot, but that's how my Sunday's always are. I got up at 10AM to shower and get ready for mass at 10:30AM. I even decided to shave, thinking I had enough time. I ended up only shaving one leg. It's kind of embarrassing to admit, but that's why I wore pants, for the first time this whole summer, to church. I haven't had plans all week, so today was my first time doing anything in a long while. Tonight I went out for a last dinner with Jon, Khate, and Ana, considering that Jon is leaving tomorrow. We all went out to the Brookside Thai Restaurant on Broad St. after debating which place was really the best to go to. We got plate that were all so good; I got the spicy flat noodles that my sister always gets. We also had Thai iced teas which were AH-MAZING. on immediately went after Khate's glass, while I was already slurping down mine. We all picked at each other's orders, sharing the goodness! We even moved aside glasses from the center of the table to avoid spillage. After failure to calculate our bill portions quick enough, we walked along Broad St. and loitered around McDonald's. Eventually got picked up at QuickCheck where the night began to come to the end. Nothing crazy or outgoing happened tonight, which isn't a problem at all. It was a very chill, funny night and I'm going to miss you Jon Cana :) Hopefully, next year I'll be able to drive and things will be much much easier! Photo is of the cookie mix for the batch of Nestle Tollhouse Chocolate Chip cookies I made today for Jacob. I really wish I could see him tomorrow.. it's been a long weekend without him.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Depression Pits & Missing You

I didn't bother to wake up until 1:30PM. After pulling an all-nighter, sleep was a much desired thing. I found myself tripping into these holes of depression every now and then today. I went to the mall tonight and in XXI I felt it. I felt when I woke up because I thought he was mad at me. I don't like this feeling.. because it reminds me of how I used to be. About once a month, I would get that sick feeling in my stomach where I wanted to just die. It wasn't a pain. It was more like an emotion. It was like a period, haha. Anyways, I couldn't stand today, knowing that I couldn't talk to him. I updated Facebook with "A Toy needs batteries to operate. Me? I need you." It's true. When I can't talk to you or you're not around, I feel so incomplete. I become so lethargic and unwilling to do anything. I'm so glad you're coming back tomorrow night.. I truly am. Photo is of me in the fitting room! I finally got the type of blouse with a zipper in the back, I was ecstatic [emotionally, not showing it] and I felt very fulfilled. The other photo is of the bracelet I'm making for Jacob. :) I finished Ana's earlier.

Alternating Week For The Loner & The Socialist

Well, this sucks. It's currently, 5:37AM into Saturday and I have been up all night. On Thursday night I tried to pull an all-nighter with Jacob, but grew tired around 4AM. We should have given it a day's notice. Hrmm..I'm getting confused with time references now. YESTERDAY, nothing really happened. I've been very lazy this past week, realizing that I phases in and out of being the loner and the socialist. The majority of this week has been portrayed by the loner. Last week was the other. Today I took any opportunity to go out, so I went with my sister and her boyfriend to the DMV. She had to renew her license and I was so fascinated and excited to get my own permit soon. Then, we went to the mall, here I bought a few items and got my hair trimmed. On the way home we went to Sonic and AC Moore. I've spent this whole night working on Ana's piano bracelet [the first of a long list of requests] and chatting with a few friends. It was really an interesting night. A drunk Seamus IMed me on Facebook Chat, asking for dirty pics and other nonsense. It was so hilarious in the dead of the night around 4AM. Photo is of mama sleeping while I straightened her hair. -_-'

Thursday, July 15, 2010

5 Dozen Cookies Ready To Be Served

Words can't express how happy I was to have a day without rain..just kidding, I was just simply happy. Last night, I baked about 5 dozen cookies for the love and he actually got to come over for a little bit to have some. I was a little irritated in the morning when it came to waiting another hour for him to leave because frankly, I just wanted to be be with him as soon as my eyes cracked open. Later, we rode back to his place, where we parted ways for the rest of the week. He leaves for Virginia Beach tomorrow and the thought of him not being around makes me not want to wake up or do anything tomorrow or the next day. But life goes on right? Upon leaving, he gave me the Munny he bought for me, something I've always wanted, wrapped so creatively in an Urban Outfitters bag. It made me love the gift even more. I gently untaped it to get to the gift, preserving the unique wrapping. It inspires me to make a bag out of it :D Photo is of the cheap, crappy, $5 speakers I painted over tonight. My artistic abilities sparked again.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Burnt Thumb With A Side Of Alotta Bit Of Lovin'

I've currently just put in the last batch of Nestle Toll House Cookies in the oven. I've been making cookies since around 9:30PM for the lover. I made them straight from scratch, and even burned myself along the way. Gah, that hurt so much..


This morning was pretty damned eventful. When it comes to making decisions, my mind doesn't like choosing rationality over desire. This morning I took up the slightest opportunity to see him. He was going to walk to the music store on Washington Ave. and I wanted to come along. I knew that it was going to rain today. I was just putting my best bets on it not raining until the early afternoon. I biked my way to his house and my sister's boyfriend, Phil, passed by. He greeted me and warned me of the down pour on its way. I told him I was aware, but at the same time I really wasn't.

So I reached the parking lot behind the Chiropractor's Office where I usually wait for him. I called him and while it rang, the tiny drizzle quickly progressed into something more - something greater. He answered and gave me the bad, but not completely uncalled for, news. He told me that if it started raining soon, he wouldn't be able to leave. The tears that attempted to form were useless because I should have known better. It was my fault for following my desire to see this guy and not think about getting caught in the rain. Sometimes this impulsiveness works out for me; sometimes it doesn't.

I had no other option but to head home before it got worse. Biking home was going to be a bitch so I remembered how Phil passed by. I called him up and asked for a ride home. I left the bike at his house and was driven back. I couldn't even stand the rain in my face on the bike to his house not too far away, so I couldn't imagine the journey home via bike.

Nothing else really happened today, other than Jon's flight getting delayed to Monday again. Woop! Photo is of the mass I made of myself baking tonight!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Fail To Say Goodbye

The initial plans for today didn't go according to plan. [But the never do, right?] Considering the fact that Jon leaves today, Ana and I wanted to hang out with him one last time. His flight was at 5PM leaving Belleville at 4PM, so we wanted to have a little get together for lunch around 1PM. The idea was to meet at Ana's and have a little "pizza picnic". Weather denied that from happening. I decided to still chill with Ana today, and it was good. We kind of had our "Going Away Party" for Jon without him. We ordered pizza and played Xbox. Ohh - how I want that one bad! It was a very chill day and I enjoyed it. Honestly, at times I did feel like I wasn't as exciting as others who come over, but I hope she enjoys my company as much as I do hers. I REAALLY want an Xbox 360.


This morning was good, too. He came over, even though he was tired and I'm so grateful for that. The first thing I did was thank him. We made chocolate chip pancakes which were amazing and I finished making batches of cookies. It started raining and even with that, we biked to the other side of Belleville. We ARE troopers :) I love you so much, for every sacrifice you do for me. Photo is of awesome band-aids I teased Jacob about. He hates Dora :)

Monday, July 12, 2010

Finished Bracelets & Redeemed Meetings


In my eyes, today was very eventful. Unfortunately the morning didn't go according to plan, as he woke up late. Initially, he was to wake up around 8 and get here in the morning so we could have a day to us, but he didn't wake up until 11AM. I was a little upset because I was so excited to see him, but as long as I was going to see him soon, I was content. He came over and we hung out. We walked to "China Town" to get some Chinese food to bring it back to the house - we ate while watching Adventure Time. Ah, fun. We were able to spend a lot more time than usual, but he had to leave around 4PM. I left with him. We went to Wendy's where I finally got in contact with Roland. He called me at 4PM and the showtime for a movie we wanted to watch was at 5:20PM. At that time, we were still at Wendy's and the notice was way too short. They drove by and we tried to work something out. Didn't work out. I would have really loved to hang out with Roland, but I guess not today. "I guess, if you get there, we'll see you there," they said. Unfortunately, Jacob was down for reasons of feeling ditched or used for a period of time and then put aside while I hang out with others. That case is not true. Not too far on the way biking home, I came up with the reckless idea to catch up with him. Hey, if I wasn't going to see the movie, then I still wanted to see him. I didn't think too much into it, but at the First Station, I turned my bike around and peddled like hell.

I made it pretty far without stopping, but I was a little sad to not see any sign of him in the distance. I didn't stop until I got to the hill. That was kind of tiring, not gonna lie. I didn't stop though, I just went slower. I kept trying to call him and it all seemed like a replay of this morning when I called him about 20 times like a crazy woman trying to wake him up. He finally called back and I, out of breath, answered. I explained to him my impulsive decision to bike after him and he agreed to meet me behind his house on Tappan Ave. So I'm biking aimlessly up and down the street and then I notice a big, red Chevy Trailblazer pass by. His mom drives a big, red Chevy Trailblazer. FML. I'm a little freaked out, and so I call him. I asked if his mom came home and he said yeah, she just got in. I explained to him the situation and he said he doesn't think she saw me, since she didn't mention it.

Eh, her being home meant I couldn't see him. Yet, I was pretty thirsty [I had a frosty at Wendy's] so I still asked for a water. He left it on the front steps and I got it. He called me back up with a "My mom want to know if you're thirsty?" I was being invited up for a refreshment. I didn't know what to think nor did I know what to say other than a jumble of stutters. This was the lady who caught us and lectured us twice - is she really asking me to come up? I've learned to take initiative and I accepted. I came into the kitchen, greeted her, and sat down while he made a pitcher of Lipton Iced Tea. I managed to keep cool while she asked about me. This was definitely a better way to meet her. Then, his father came home. It was all definitely weird in a sense, but I over came that and greeted him as well. As time went on, I stuffed myself with so much Iced Tea. I felt like I might throw up on the ride home. When I finally left, I thanked her for the drink and said goodbye. He walked me out to the front and we shared our hugs and few kisses. I'm so proud of that afternoon because I could easily have held back on the offer and went home, but I took it up to see where my possibilities would lead. I finished my first good bracelet tonight! that is another thing I am proud of. The photo is of just that.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Conversion Factors and Threads

The only reason why I was up early today was because of church. Mass was at 10:30AM and I literally woke up at 10:10AM. For that hour of mass, I was awake - in thought that is. I usually let my mind wander through other things, but my mind focused on the future. What if I convert? Maybe I'll be more involved in our religion than I am now. I mean, I sit here for an hour thinking about other things. Even if I do convert, my perspectives of God will never change. Will it really make my parents change their view of me? I can't think of all of this now. Live in the moments and we'll tackle these dilemmas when they come around.

After church, I went with my father to A.C. Moore. I needed to pick up some beads to fix up my sandals - the design is coming off. I picked up a piece to also fix my bracelet. Additionally, I wanted to start making those "friendship bracelets" that you can always find down the shore. I absolutely lovee those! I started on them. My first one was too short and I'm currently half way through my second, better one. Photo is of my first crappy one! XD

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Relaxing & Surrounded By Ice Cream

Oh, it felt so good to sleep through the night. For the past two days I was out and about, walking up and down a mountain and all around the city. I took today to just chill out and relax. I slept in until around 1PM and took my shower to clean off yesterday's chlorine. I decided to stay in for the day. Later in the afternoon around 6:30PM I got dropped off at Applegate Farm to keep Roland company through his 6PM-11PM shift. I found myself "people watching" as this one little boy made a mess of his vanilla cone - it was the cutest. These two little girls were picking out their flavors and they seemed a little controlling. These group of girls were having their night out. Roland and I didn't get to talk much because of customers ofcourse, but I didn't mind it in the least. Watching him work really got me thinking of work myself. I need to find a job this winter, and I've been really looking recently. I've been tired from the past few days that I just needed to have a chill night. So here I am back home still laid back and even a little tired from yesterday still.Photo is of Sprinkles - the amazing creepy cow.

Friday, July 9, 2010

"Almost Dying" All Day At Mt. Creek

Though the title of this may sound questionable, it was all in good fun. That day started off early, as we had to pick up Jon at like 7:30AM for our leave at 10PM. We chilled at my house for a little bit and he got to meet my mom and Lola. My ma asked him a bunch of questions, considering that she was friends with his ma in college. Anyways, as the time came we left to take the light-rail to Rutgers Campus where we would meet up with the others. It was my sister's two friends, her, Jon, and I. We finally were on our way to Mt. Creek when we drove into some nice, difficult rain. even though the forecast predicted 30% rain at the park, we decided to continue driving. As it turns out, we drove out of the rain, too. From then on, everything was sunny, warm, and blue skies. It took us a while to get to the park because we were unsure of our directions. For the two times we stopped to ask for help, we were on the right way the entire time. There wasn't much talking today other than all of Jon and my ranting and laughing. My sister 's friends were quiet - I felt bad.Ah, sweet! We were finally here. The heat outside was bearable to the point where it was still nice. Jokingly, I can say that I almost died all day. The first ride we went on was High Anxiety and I was on the side of the tube that could not see where we were going! On the cliff jump and cliff slide, my butt hit the water first and left me in pain! On Congo Rapids, Jon and I got a little too adventurous and out of hand! We started crashing into each other and we bumped heads. After that, our screams weren't happy ones any more, but fears for faux death. I went down the steepest body slide there - I couldn't help but hold my breath going down! Worst of all, I was basically drowning in the wave pool, twice. I still have the taste of chlorine in my mouth, yuck. In the midst of almost drowning and having near death experiences, I really had a great day. We even got a free flat bread sandwich during lunch! The guy..I think his name was Brian, but he threw in a second one anyways for me and Jon. WOOT! Ah, I also got some Dip n' Dots before we left! My tan lines are finally fixed! :D Darker, but fixed. Photo is of Jon and the sign. haha

Thursday, July 8, 2010

First/Last Hang Out For Sarah Aristizabal







I can honestly saw that I enjoyed today a lot more than I would have expected to. As the title for this post claims, we hung out one last time before Sarah's move to Florida. Technically, this was a first time for me, not including her birthday party three years ago. Well let's see where the day started off. I know that the first and only thing I could remember from the morning was waking up feeling grimy and sticky. Ugh, this heat is crazy. Too tired to shower last night, I was just going to shower in the morning. Bad choice. Even though I promised my mom that I would clean before I left, I woke up too late for that. I took my shower, got ready, and waited for the right time to leave. I went to the station with Jon and Khate and we took the train to Jersey City. Meeting up at Babo, we found Sarah and the rest of the group. I was uneasy at first with who was here because I never hung out with any of them other than Jeremy. As it turns out, that didn't matter too much today because I just went with the flow of everything and got along with everyone - without my typical awkwardness. At Babo, Jon, Khate, and I got some yummy bubble tea and food. At first, we sat separately from the rest of the group, but they eventually migrated to our table so that was good. We later left to walk around the waterfront. We played ninja various times and at random places. After a while, we finally decided to head over to NYC where we could play it in the center of Times Square - yeah, that never happened. Once we got off at 33rd St., we walked through K-Town! There were some interesting shops and had we not big in one big group I would've definitely gone in many of them! The first place we hit was the NYC Public Library. Random, but Jon had a random urge to go so we went. The place was really amazing, almost like something out of a Harry Potter movie. Jon, Khate, and I then split from the group to go into H&M while they went to Bryant Park. Seeing that I was short on money, I didn't buy anything. We found them back at the park where we also found this amazing guy who danced with a hula hoop! I never knew how creative one could get with that plastic ring, but goodness! He answered my curiosities! He danced with it like a guard member, letting it rolling down to his legs and back all the way up over his head and even doing it at his shoulders with his head town, tossing it - just so insane! Oh! There was also this huge public yoga class going on there. That was cool! It was literally 200 people with a cleared aisle in the middle where the instructors spoke and have directions. I played the Penis game with Joe while walking around - that was crazy!

We went back to Hoboken for dinner. It was my first time going there and there were so many bars! We even stood on the sidewalk while a woman in a limo, clearly drunk and celebrating maybe a Bachelorette Party, shook a blow-up doll out the windows of the car. There we were - party central. Khate was starving and I, too, could have used some food. For some reason, the walk down the street to the pizza place we were looking for seemed like miles. We passed by so many stores and restaurants I definitely want to visit! Finally we found the pizza joint, known as Benny's Restaurant Pizza. They are home to the largest slices of pizza, which take up 2 plates!! That shet was INSANE!! It was good though :) Nothing special, but just good. Good to have food in my stomach. This was where the night was coming to an end, and probably was the funnest part of the night. We laughed so hard trying to cut the damned pizza. It was hard to eat it - Joe and Khate rolled it up like a burrito and his looked like a huge blunt! Stomachs satisfied, we walked back to the station.

The walk back didn't seem as bad and was with-out a doubt, hilarious! I held on to Jon the entire time and pretended to be his drunk buddy! It felt necessary because that's basically how everyone else was in Hobokem. So every time we passed a restaurant, I became the tipsy, uncoordinated one night stand for Jon! It was great! At the Subway entrance, we parted ways with Sarah and Mike, who were getting picked up. The rest of us were headed to the subway. The ride back on the Exchange train hands down was the craziest part of the night. We found ourselves an empty cart, away from the groups of drunks, and partied out! We specifically got a cart with the poles in the middle, and Joe and Chris had a Stripper Dance Battle. Joe was naturally funny doing what he did best. Chris was a huge surprise, jumping onto the pole and doing crazy shit! everything a stripped can do and more! He even held on with both hands and carried his body up where his feet could touch the ceiling! I joke around, knowing I was in capable of doing ANY of that, jumped onto the pole, held on tight, and slid down. So sexy, right?! What I did do that was outside of my natural fears was hang upside down on the horizontal poles!! It was scary on a moving train, but I did it!

Unfortunately, when we switched over to another train, there were too many people present. Instead, we were squeezed on the corner and Jon leaned ALL of his weight against me! For the entire time! Even on the light rail he did so! Ahaha, today wasn't my typical type of fun, but I still enjoyed it, nonetheless.My old self would have weighed out options and decided not to go. Who I am in life is now taking initiative and so far, in every aspect of my life - it is working for the better. Photos are from this crazy day: a ukelele kit, this AMAZING K-bookstore, a wall of nice shoes at this one store [Jon bought a pair], me with a plsuh at the Sanrio store, the massive pizza slice, Joe's blunt, and the pizza joint.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

We Saved a Bird Today & I Helped the Rookies

There is something I've always disliked about doing this 365 Project: the nights where you are just plain tired and already in bed and the thought hits you "I still need to post!". A wide range of curses mosh in your head because there is no other choice other than to get up and write it because you need to keep up. But then again, this is why I decided to do this. I put myself to this challenge and of course, I'm not gonna love it all the time. I can't help but feel proud at how dedicated I've been to this.

Today was once again, HOT. This Wednesday was supposed to be ours. Your brother was supposed to go to 6 Flags with the maid and the house would be ours. Unfortunately, he didn't go because it was too hot. I left the house early anyways. You couldn't go out, so I just stayed at the high school where they were having a morning practice for the band. When I found my way there, I saw them on the field so I just chilled out there for a while. I also eventually went inside to chill in the nice, air-conditioned surroundings. When the band had sectionals, I hopped from section to section meeting rookies and even helping out with music. I felt comfortable. Part of me prefers these simple practices that are relaxed and sometimes makes me wonder why I didn't just march flute. Then again, I know where my passions are and where my perfectionist qualities come into character - guard. Even with rehearsal tonight, I can't help but think that maybe I wasn't meant to exactly be a captain. I like perfecting myself solely because I find it easier. I feel bad when I try to help someone and they have to deal with my chaotic mind. I don't say it to sound self-righteous. I'm just more of the introvert who is better at working on their self. But my own characteristics are not going to get the best of me and prevent me from being who I want to be. As wrong as it sounds, I want to be someone else. I can grow tired of being the shy introvert. I want to be a leader. At HOBY, they told us hey, even if your not a leader, pretend to be one. Pretend to be strong, organized, and set. That's what a leader does, anyway. So, for the greatest sake of this guard, I am going to pretend to be a great captain and do the best that I can. If I pretend enough, I will be.

Today I also got to "have our day". It may not have been what we wanted: a whole house to us, but it was anything. and I was willing to settle for "anything" just to be with you. I stayed for a while - I even got to watch you play Drake's Fortune. It was best that I didn't play because even you said that the part you were at was nerve-racking. Unfortunately, those nervous feelings and paranoia of getting caught at your house enveloped me and I could not help but leave early/on time to get out of there. As it turns out, she didn't come home for another hour! Just my luck -__-' Photos are of Roland ringing me and my Medium Graham Central Station and of my visit this morning.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

The Heck?! It Was 100+ Degrees Outside?!

Well hey, today was good. I'm extremely anxious to spend tomorrow with you and I couldn't help myself today. I had to see you, so I woke up extra early to bike with you. It's more or less an opportunity to just be with you. We chilled at the HS track for a bit and then rode to 7-11 to keep up some kind of hydration and food supply. I had a blanket with me for a picnic we were supposed to have at the Park with Jon and Ana later, but we also used it in the morning for our own little picnic. Goodness. The sun was beating down on us like no tomorrow! We settled down under a tree, but the sun found it's ways to us; we laid in this dry heat for a good while. Compared to the last time we laid there, today was so much better. We actually made very good conversation and I wasn't fading off into thought. I am so proud of today with you. We conversed so well and enjoyed it all.

Later, I brought you along to Ana's house. That was definitely a positive step in bringing two sides of my life together. We just chilled in the living room and watched MTV's Disaster Date and Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory. We all talked and laughed here and there. I was happy. He stayed until Jon and Karen came over, so he was able to meet him, actually! :) Unfortunately, he had to leave after that because his mama. So, Karen, Jon, Ana, Emily, and I migrated down to the basement to have our little "picnic". Yeah, it was way to hot to even think about going outside! With blankets laid out, we chilled out and watched Aladdin. That movie was so cute! :3 Gah, I would hate to think back on the fact that I ate my life away throughout the whole movie. I haven't had much today except half a sub from 7-11 from earlier, but the fact that I just binged made me feel bad. When I had to leave early around 7PM, I didn't even bother eating anything else. It's definitely not healthy, but oh well. Photo is of us at the park, just as he honestly requested. Mann, my hair was a hott mess! We played the Penis Game at the park :)


Monday, July 5, 2010

At The End Of The Day, Here I Am: Broke.

We hit up Garden State Plaza today! :) Boy, do I love that place! It's like.. when I'm there, I have this burning hate for Willowbrook Mall! I'm tired of that mall and prefer getting lost in GSP. Anyways, as the morning led on I tried to figure out how we would get to the mall. At first, we only figured it be Jon and I, but I did remember Kim mentioned that she wanted to go also. I called her up and told her we should meet up at the mall because I was still figuring out transportation. She offered to be the ride and so our day began. We got picked up and were off! We spent the day shopping around going through XXI, Garage, American Apparel [fail], and of course Urban Outfitters. That's the store I saved my wallet for the most. Other than food, I didn't but anything else. I ended up purchasing a nice pair of high-top canvases that were my size and a pair of gray sunglasses. [Yeah, I have a lot I know] At the thought of food, we can't forget the monster foot-long that Jon and I created at Subway! Usually when I go there, I get this usual, tuna creation on my favorite roll: Italian Herb & Cheese. Let's see if I can remember this. It was a Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki sub with: provolone cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, sweet peppers, olives, sweet onion sauce, and Chipotle Southwestern sauce! YUM. Jon and I split the sandwich, along with everything else these past two days! Sharing is caring. :) All I can say is that today was good. Very, very good :) Photo is of us at the Apple Store! We saw Chris there with his brother haha.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

My Biffle Is Home And I PWND

Of course, there is this wild excitement in the fact that a best friend of mine is back in town. There are people in my life, in my heart, who will always hold a superior importance. Unfortunately, they are not always physically around. I am so grateful for the people who keep my heart and mind together and still are around, but it was like laying a bluer hue on my skies when I finally saw Jon for the first time today while we sought for each other on the phone. We were lost on streets not too far away from each other and he was mistaking another for me with a "Is that you in red?!" When I finally saw him at the corner, he came running and my arms were outstretched, begging for a tight, reuniting hug. I couldn't comprehend in my mind, that this guy was really here. We took our walk around and caught up on life - even though we've been talking the whole time online. We took pictures and sat on the turf , chilling out. Then we walked what seemed like miles in the heat. We tried to walk to Chan's house, but she wasn't home. Then, we went to Walgreens. We walked around more, only to find ourselves back at Walgreens. My new sandals from last night were too tight and I was beginning to blister as my feet are now. So, we bought $2.99 flip flops! Gah, what a relief to my feet! Later, we made our way to Kendrick's for the BBQ. At first, based on what I was told about it, I thought there would be drinking and whatnot. I already had my mind mentally set on how I would handle that situation. As it turns out, I spend the afternoon with some great people, some new and some old. My awkwardness wasn't too bad because frankly, Jon was there, too. He and I were both kind of new to hanging out with everyone, so even if I did feel awkward, there was still him I could talk to. The night went to well, socially and in general. At one point in the afternoon, I played COD for the first time in my life. AND I PWND. Haha just kidding. I felt so proud of myself for killing Byron and Chris a few times. I wanted to tell Jacob about my accomplishments so bad at the time. At another we didn't know what to do, so we walked together towards Nutley to just watch the fireworks. We ended up seeing various displays in the sky around us at the same time. In the Burger King parking lot, we stood to watch the rest of the NHS show. When we walked back, time was trailing around to the point where we had to leave soon. Basically everyone else was sleeping over, but I knew well enough that I couldn't. Plus, I was more concerned on getting home and talking to a certain someone. He definitely wasn't up to par based on the texts we shared. Well, here I am home. But overall, today was amazing. Photos are of Danny and Byron's gel'd up heads! Also, a fireworks pic from my phone. Happy 4th of July, everyone!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Finished Crepe Batter And Crappy Saleman At Macy's

I haven't done much today, but Jaelynn's turtle does supply for some interesting entertainment. Every now and then, I'd pass by to play with it, feed it, or just take it out for fun. I filled up the tub and even put him in there while I changed its water. Later, around 1PM [not too long after I woke up, that is] I came along for the ride to drop off my sister to work. Being in the car with my parents this morning was actually really nice. For some reason, driving around on a Saturday morning has a mood to it where everything is okay. We all made jokes and laughed here and there along the way. I really wanted to stop by Applegate Farm to visit Roland, but my parents didn't do it. -_-' Second attempt failed. Tonight, I went to the mall which in all made me happy. I got the hoodie from GAP I've wanted for quite a while for an amazing sale price and a pair of nice sandals. Ugh, I didn't find my nice pair without going through the struggle and irritation first. At Macy's, the douche that "assisted" me told me to sit down while he got my sandals. Yeah, he forgot about me. It made me really mad by the time I confronted him because I even gave him the benefit of the doubt and waited it out a few more minutes. Even if I liked the sandals, I wasn't going to buy here. Not after that. The size was too big, so I walked out leaving the box on the chair, unreturned. Whatever. I got what I want. lol. Well, that didn't sound bitchy at all, did it? Photo is of her turtle trying to get into a small place. "It's too big, it's too wide, it won't fiiit" haha.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Fireworks And Cookies Made From Butter Melted

Today/tonight was much more fun than expected. Ideally, I went over to Kim's casa this afternoon after not being able to chill for so long. I gave her my belated gift from the beginning of June, which she already had. I had a little feeling that she may have gotten it already, but she never told me! It actually wasn't all that bad though. The one I got her was a slightly different style and was a Medium instead of a Small, but it fit well nonetheless. We made cookies with this chocolate chip mix that I brought over and even added extra white chocolate chips! Yum! Those came out super-good. I still have some left over in my bag :) Then, we sat outside on her porch and had a bowl of ice cream with a cookie - SUPER yum! :D I tried Peach ice cream for the first time and it was really good! Later, her mama took us to B&N [ah, the place I would love to work] and we spent a while there looking through novels, magazines, and astrology books! We later walked to Target to pick up a few things. Her mom came around to pick us up and we were back at her house. Not too long after we left again for the Brookdale Park fireworks, which had already started according to what we were hearing outside. We got dropped off in a craze of traffic and walked the rest of the way to the park. BOY was that park was crowded! As the fireworks exploded in the sky, every flash of light allowed us to see the thousands of heads on the field staring up. We sat in the grass for the rest of the duration and hey, the show wasn't too bad. Afterwards, Kim didn't want to go home or anything yet, so we ended up walking far to meet up with Nicole and Lugo. Walking around in the dark, we found our way to Devin's house. I for one, had no idea where we were as many time as I guessed, but they did. We all walked to a McDonald's which was flooded with people they didn't like. I saw a few familiar faces like Adriane and well.. thats it. :D Considering the amount of unliked people, we walked back to Nicole's house where we made nachos! :) Me and Kim got picked up around 11:30PM. I was a little nervous the whole night because I wasn't home at the usual time, but I only had one ride - Kim. I'm pretty proud of how I helf myself together tonight. I kept myself talking and it really wasn't awkward at all even though I hung out with these people once or never before. Photo is of us at Target. I really liked that fedora :)

Thursday, July 1, 2010

The Works Of Turtles And God-Awful Pains

Today was a bit painful. Physically, of course. I woke up this morning only to turn over and ball up in pain. Cramps. I feel like they are the most subtle thing that hurts like a mother. Cramps don't exactly feel like someone beating at your stomach, but it's that clenching pain beneath the skin that you don't know how to fend off. For a good while, I tried to contain it. I'm not too bad at holding in pain. This pain was unbearable. I finally mustered up some kind of weakness to take an Advil. Eh, effects weren't going to happen fast enough so I laid back down. My morning continued this way for quite a while. Around noon, Jae came by to drop off her turtle. She's going down to FL for a while and I'll be looking after.. Slopoi? Yeah, I think that's his name. After she came by, I tried to eat something, but even after a bowl of cereal, I found nothing more relieving than to just lay down. My mother came in and I told her what was wrong and so she came back in with an ice pack. I placed it just below my bellybutton and for some reason, it worked. I was texting him at the time, btu I was finally able to fall asleep. The pain was bearable now! Ah, the relief was amazing. I fell asleep twice and it felt so good. Periods suck. Period. -humorous drum hit- Photo is of the turtle. lol I was looking up stuff you can feed turtles. We tried strawberries but he didn't like it. He enjoyed banana though!

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

"We Could Virtually Have Had A Baby!"

Wow, we could have virtually had a baby in the amount of time we've been dating. As of today, we make 9 months - 9 months I would never want stripped from my mind. No matter what plans needed to be arranged, I know that I needed to be with you. If you couldn't come over, I would willingly bike there and find somewhere to chill - no questions asked. As it turned out, you came over :) I met you half-way here on bike, while you rode yours. Eh, I actually left too late that "half" wasn't exactly relative to it's measured distance. Although our day started a little later because both of us were too tired to get up, we still had our day. Today was also the day I was so eager to make up yesterday's failure in. You were able to tell that I had a little bit a lottabit of tension, trying to make sure I didn't ruin today. Things were a little off at first because I thought about yesterday, but I snapped out of the thought as we began to play video games. I told you the other day that you are so many firsts in my life - both relationship wise and just in general. That involves video games. You know that I freak out and spazz with any kind of RPGs because I never was used to playing them. Now, you are introducing me to them, kind of like facing my fears. I felt accomplished today with a few head shots here and there on the last bullet and amazing [unintentional] feats. Yet, we could not have any of that without any of my yelping when new enemies appear or my abrupt pausing of the game at certain parts. We laughed and laughed as we traded off missions in Drake's Fortune because we kept dying! My mind was clear from there on and your kisses felt so good. Later, we went into the kitchen and started to make crepes - that was when my tension also began to rise. My lola was just leaning against the back of a chair, staring while we cooked and I just felt super uncomfortable at the stove and pulling ingredients out. You tried to tell me to relax and that everything was fine - sorry it took me forever to cool down! x3 You held me at the shoulders with a reassuring look and gave me a few reassuring kisses. It's nothing against her, but I just feel awkward being watched. Eh. I let you taste your first crepe with Nutella filling and you liked it - that brought me a smile. Around 1PM we finally got to get comfortable on the couch and watch Fight Club on Blu-Ray. You love that movie and have been dying to show me it, as I have been dying to watch it with you. It was really good, I'm not going to lie :) I want to finished the movie with you, which will also mean another day you'll be over! I promise you: this summer can & will be ours. At 2:15PM we rode back to the other side of Belleville and just finished our morning together at Wendy's to get some real food! We had to part ways after that - you wanted to get home before yo' mama did. I can't help but think... that if you and I can afford days like this and simply feel this way for so long, then I'm ready to spend a whole lifetime with you. It's understood that you can't have your good days with out your bad ones, but right now we need to balance those days out and climb out of our hole. I'm willing to do that for you and with you. I love you so much.. like a fat boy loves cake. :) After I left, I didn't want to go home so I went to Stop&Shop to buy random things. I ended up getting this bleaching kit for some unwanted stomach hairs. -insecurity mode- Haha, I just think it'll look nice looking more bare at the beach! I can think back on today and really say that I redeemed myself for yesterday's weird phase. God, Jacob Reyes, I love you beyond words. You literally help build me into a person I'm not ashamed to call yours. As our corny romantic minds think, "Always&Forever To Infinity&Beyond" Happy 9 months, mi vida. :) Photo is of us before leaving for Wendy's.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Damp Blankets And Self-Disappointment

I'm a little disappointed in myself today, not going to lie. Day two of some kind of revival for us and my efforts weren't as solid as planned. This morning I woke up and finally got to ride to his house without my mother bitching. I actually rode there with my sister and the route isn't too bad. When we left, I planned on wearing the oh-so-important helmet half way down the street and then removing it. At my checkpoint, I looked back and she was still standing at the side walk. Damnit. I rode all the way to the end of the block and turned the corner to do so. Finally. We got to his house and waited for him to get dressed and come out. When he did, we made our way to the HS track. We rode around a few times and then my sister left because she had a class at noon. After she left, we kind of grew lethargic. Quickly, too. We laid on the new front part of the stadium, where it was like..cinder blocks high enough to sit on and then cement from the butt up carved at an angle. The picture should make a seat like image in your mind. [Sorry if I'm not exactly being the greatest visualizer tonight.] With not much else to do, we laid there and soaked up the sun. Around 11:30AM, we decided to move on with plans to just lay in the park. I was prepared with blankets. We stopped by the 7-11 and got food and whatnot so our stomachs were happy. I can't help but admit that the whole time, I didn't want to do as much talking as we did. I just wanted to soak up the moments by doing things like kissing or hugging, or napping together. I tried to go in for kisses various time or hint at it, but they only lasted so long. I understand - public is always risky. For that late understanding in today, I am disappointed in myself. I kept wishing for these other things in the moments I had with you - things more passionate when instead, we could have had greater conversations. I didn't really engage myself in the conversations we were having because all I wanted to do was kiss you. It was my mistake, but I'm only glad we didn't end bitterly because we can't afford that. We had to part ways at 1PM and yes, I was sad but I could only frown so much. We parted ways and I continued with this new life initiative. I texted Ana to see if she was home because I know that she's one person I need to get back well into my life after pushing away. I came over to only stop by, but ended up staying until around 7PM It was good for the most part. Deejay and Jae came over and it was really great to be around these people I haven't seen in so long. Jesus, I haven't seen Jae for a while either! We watched Degrassi, order Chinese food, and even discussed a poster on her wall about drunk characters! Today was decent, even with the self-disappointment. Tomorrow, I'm praying, will be amazing. It's 9 months, after all. Photo is of us at the track. I'm extra chinky when it's sunny.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Two Butterflies And A Freaking Helmet

Today seemed like a first step in our attempt at fixing us. The idea was for me to wake up early, ride my new bike to your house (or meet up with you at the HS, whichever), and keep around while you exercised around the HS track. I was so ready this morning; I've been continuing to take a better initiative in my life and stop procrastinating with things. It pissed me off this morning when I was trying to be polite with my mother, telling her that I was going to take the bike instead of getting a ride. Bringing the bike was a big part of my plan and without it, everything virtually seemed ruined. In theory, if I hung out with you today, it wouldn't have worked well if I was constantly walking and you were on a bike, always ahead. It literally broke me when she began to argue that I can't take the bike. She swore that I didn't know how to ride a bike and that if I was pulled over by a cop, she would go to jail because I wasn't wearing a helmet. Simply, it was jut too dangerous to! I cried and expressed my anger in other ways, more for the fact that hey, I'm trying to put my efforts to fix something that means so much to me and this is whats stopping me from having today? I couldn't help but think how ridiculous her excuses were. The thing is, it didn't seem like the idea of riding a bike phased her until today. This day that I needed most; the day that I mapped out routes for in my mind last night. Today was for us; a future together we promised; saving everything from slipping away. Eventually, I took up my last resort and got a ride from my brother. If this day couldn't go down as I had planned, it had to go down any way possible.

So there I was, a [pede]strian, standing in from of the high school. I waited a few seconds before heading my way behind the high school, taking a short cut to the field. I texted him, telling him my situation and also explaining that I would just meet him there. He replied with the fact that he had to run an errand beforehand anyways and that I should just walk towards his house. A little happier inside, I followed orders and made my way towards his place. I was happy because I thought hey, maybe this day won't be so bad. I'll run errands with him; I'll watch him exercise - just anything to be with him. Walking down Division Ave. [by the way, I'm starting to know my way around Belleville more! Street names and all], I saw various people on bikes without helmets. I frankly don't care about the safety gear, but the ridiculous morning I had about them made me resent every single one of those people I saw. Another one was steering my way. "Ugh, another one. Great" I tried to look away, but a quick glance turned into a double-take. As he got closer, this guy looked more familiar. Close enough to realize who it was, I took back my last thought and a smile naturally began to grow on my face. It was the guy my morning almost prevented me from seeing.

It was a little awkward at first, seeing him. All I could think back to was yesterday's epiphanies and conversation. Are we going to be okay? What if we break up? God, I can't lose this guy. Screw it, let's just put our best efforts in. With him on a bike and myself walking, we made our first stop to the corner store by School #3. He needed to pick up an Arizona Green Tea for his sick friend, Gio. Then, we made our way to Dan's house, where he picked up another bike he left there, which I borrowed for the day. Oh Jesus Christ - that seat hurt so much! I'm pretty sure I'm bruised down there, as that seat was way too narrow. It was like I was sitting on nothing, just pain. Next, we headed for Town Hall, where he needed to pay the water bill. I sat in the front on a bench, sweating profusely in crevices from the bike ride. This was only the beginning of a dirty, hot, sweaty, muscle-toning day. After drying off just a little bit, we were off to visit the sickly. It was nice to finally sit in some kind of air-conditioning, away from the heat. For the most part, we watched him play COD4 and chatted. Later on, his girlfriend Sarah, came over and it was a party. Just kidding. She's a really nice person and pretty cool, too. Unfortunately, my awkwardness trailed back when ever the guys just left. I didn't know what to really say. I tried, though! Eventually, he and I got some privacy when we climbed atop Gio's bunk-bed, jokingly. When they left, we finally were at our cores, left in yesterday until now. He first brought it up, with a simple, innocent question. "Do you care?" I looked into him, a little surprised, but nonetheless sure that yes, I care with all of my heart. There, we talked about this hole we're in and how we get out. We both individually realize that the other is someone so significant in our life - the "best I ever had" and the "best I'll ever want". From there on, we had a better mindset for the rest of the day. We're both determined on the phrase "We can get through this."

We left Gio's house to give them their own needed privacy and headed down the hill to Jaelynn's to drop off her R4. Oh, how I've learn to despise hills. Hungry and begging for food, we made our way back up the hill and to 7-11. We bought an X-Lrg Slurpee, a nice, cold, roasted chicken & cheddar cheese foot-long sub, and two Monterey & Jack Chicken taquitos. Mmm, good. We decided to eat in the park right behind the store, bikes down and finally relaxing. We later found ourselves under a tree, laying in the grass together. I was in your arm nook, with my own sweaty arm wrapped around your sweaty body. I couldn't ask for anything more. The bugs were crawling all over my legs, but I didn't want to move. The ants were tiny- whatever. I wasn't budging. Kisses here and there, declarations of never feeling this way in previous relationships... yeah, I didn't want to be anywhere else. Did I mention the kisses?! For the time, we were alone, but kids finally came to the park, so that was our cue to leave; time was falling out of our grasp, anyway. We unwillingly rode back to his house to return the bikes. I stayed inside for a while, just taking a breather from such a tiring day. He then got a phone call from his mother who was on her way home. It was already understood that it was my time to leave and end this blessed day. I gave as many kisses as I could before running out the front door like a nerd, hoping not to get caught. Never stop running until you're in the clear and don't look back, I would tell myself. Around the corner making my way up the hill is where I relaxed.

In thought, I concluded this day with better realities than initial expectations. I walked back to the high school, where I waited a good while for my ride. I continued to take initiative and called up my ma. I apologized to her about this morning and told her that I love her about four times in conversation - much more than the average numbers. I decided not to text him first because maybe it would be good like this. I didn't want to risk ruining the day, like texting always has its ways of doing. I know we can get there; we'll get to a place better- me and you. I saw two butterflies pass by throughout the day and for some reason, each one gave me a reassurance and hope that in the end, we are going to be okay. I love you. I've never had other boyfriends, but I well enough know that you are the only one who will ever make me feel this way and I'd rather not prove myself right. Photo is of my view as I sat in front of the high school, waiting for my bother to pick me up. He took forever, but was just in time before the rain came in.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

I'm Continuing to Pray For Better

I thought today was good to start off, but reality more or less punched me in the face after church. It's the reality I never wanted to be true. It should have just stayed in the back of my mind as a worry. It's really disappointing when one promises to not do something for someone else or their self. How is it, when all this time I thought I was doing okay by steering away from the chances, that I end up finding out I drove right into it?

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From: Jacob

I Felt that I actually lost you :(

Jun 27, 12:31pm
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From: Jacob

Lately whenever we talk its horrible. Its gotten to the point that I'd rather go through the day alone cuz if we talk we only argue


Jun 27, 12:36pm
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From Jacob

I'm ashamed in myself because the loving care I had for you is gone. I'm sorry

Jun 27, 12:42 pm

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What the hell have I done? We had something relative to perfection and all I did was take everything for granted. Back around December, you told me that was the one thing not to do: take you for granted. I thought that as long as we can get through these problems, everything would be okay in the end- no matter how major or minor an argument was. In reality, things piled up and I've burnt your care out. This is not where my care and determination ends, though. I'm going to fix my mistakes one way or another and I'm figuring that "starting over" will do. I remember after one of the hundreds of arguments we had one time, I promised that every night I would pray to God that me and you will get through it all and that "one day we'll have it all." I still pray and I still believe it. I'm going to get us through this. I promise.

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From: Jacob

Obviously. But the I care about our future more than any fight cuz that's what we promised in the beginnin
g

Jun 27, 8:57pm
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Photo is of a Tumblr post. Recently I've been staying in this room, in my natural state: lethargic and uninspired.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Ping-Pong Redemption & New BIkes

Tonight I went to Roland's for his graduation party and I must say that it went very, very well. Previous awkward scenarios had me go straight for a regular hang-out. Once I got out of the car, everything was actually pretty good. I chatted it up with good friends, even though it was only a couple, and I made the best of tonight. We had some good food, sat in a little circle under a tent while it drizzled inconsistently, and talked about anything and everything. I really engaged myself and it was rare that I felt like the oddball out. Ah! We also pulled out the ping-pong table and I definitely redeemed myself! It was pretty humiliating when I played at Aud's with Roland last week because I just flat out sucked! Oh, but tonight, I was pretty proud of what I was doing with that paddle ;D For a majority of the time I converse with Olga and Ariel, two of the chillest people in the world. Eh, my scab kinda opened up and started bleeding because I itched it and Olga freaked out. That was a little embarrassing. Me and Olga make a pretty good team because when we play, wall counts as in. [along with chairs, floor, tent, etc.] As it got darker, we all ended up going inside. I needed to get some shelter because I was getting eaten alive! Kristine and Kate came back with a movie called It's Alive. Something to do with mutant fetuses being born and killing everyone around and eating people and animals, this movie GOT TO ME. Typically, I watch horror movies with friends and comment on it the whole time, laughing. The texting couch, Olga, Aud, me, and Ariel commented the whole time, but we fell weak to our disgust. Ariel sore to be a puncher during scary movies, yet I was the first to punch his leg out of fear! Unfortunately, I had to leave earlier, much before the movie ended. [and at a good part, too!!!!] And so, here I am, satisfied with my afternoon. Photo is of ping-pong, as it got darker and darker. My camera's flash is terrible, as all you can really see is Arie'ls white polo standing out.