Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Team Awkward And Irrational

Concert was funny tonight. A group of us sat in the middle room and jammed impulsively, putting together the dirtiest , funniest melodies . It truly got me laughing so well. Akwardness tries to take over. As much as I wont let it, it still manages to creep back up every now and then. Photo of whatever.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Half A Year

So I'm laying in bed now, begging to rest. I have officially burnt out mind mind in Chemistry tonight for the test I have tomorrow. then again? I can look back on today and recall some of the happiest kisseds I have shared with him. Our monthary today marked half a year. Though every day has not been a gorgeous , amazing one, I am so grateful to be spendking this year with you..maybe this life in all. :) They way I kissed you was so unconsciouslly more soothing than usual <33 my life and heart are yours. and i would like the hope yours are mine <3 =] Photo's of scribbles on the foggy window.

Monday, March 29, 2010

What A Silly, Naive Little Girl

There's something about being a teenage girl and setting yourself up for the downfall. Its like a game of jenga and your just pulling out all the wrong blocks, doomed to collapse. I have been expecting way too much. My optimism is beyond realistic. You would think I learn after the first let down. but I just pile up the hopes again. Ever since I hit middle school, I had these little fantasies where I figured someone cared enough to sneak into my locker and decorate it for my birthday. For two year, I opened up to the same shitty locker that I did the day before. SOmetimes I had hoped for a love letter from anyone: a friend, maybe an admirer, if one existed. Again, my heart would drop as I opened that metal thing on Valentine's Day only to find it empty.I don't tell anyone, but I still do it now. On my birthday or anygiven day,I paused for a second and slowly turn the combo. With my head leaded against the locker, excitement pulses for no reason. For what it was already known to happen, everything looks the same. I fiddle around just to check if there's anything different, but ofcourse there isn't. Tomorrow is something special to me. Your absence had me hoping you were at my locker for something cute, but I later figured out not. Im so fucking naive.. you didnt even bother to come find me or talk to me after wards and so there i sat.Jazz band started and as it turns out, you already found your way to the band room. still didnt talk. WTF. I guess leaving suited the situation since you went to play guitar anyway. its realistically not fair to do that to a person and talk to them later on and say you werent mad anymor e in the first place. Im afriad to conclude that everyone's enjoying their other friends. My fault, anyway. Photo is of a little drawing I did on the board in the back of my Algebra class.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Stress Relief via Kohl's

Rain rain raaiinn.. It wont stop! Good. Maybe we can have a flood and have no school tmmrw! Today I relieved my stresses and eagerness to go shopping. Sure it wasn't the amazing mall, but it had to do. We went to Kohl's and I picked up two skirts for the concert and -finally- a pair of my own aviators :) i love how papa got mad at me for buying useless things (sunglesses) when hes the one who akways gets su glasses. ;P Photo is of some novelty egg basket that reminded me of his profile picture. wierd.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Define Pathetic

My life is so dependent. I am the saddest story of desperation and flaw. This whole day started off with baking two more batches of brownies , picking up from last night. Then I went to the bakesale at the hs for the play. i can't say it was fun, but something mediocre. I am the odd ball in this life that can't even converse for shits and giggles. I can say one thing to strike conversation, but then after that, I cant think of wat to say so I look away half the time. Im fairly jealous of you today. Youre finding a life better and though, i have found better too, its not everything. I would honestly be happy every second of the day if I was with him all the time, but Im not. And because I fucked our friendship over, i am absolutely nothing -ashes and dirt- without prupose. God help me because you are my last resort in this life. Photo is of the play.

Friday, March 26, 2010

LOOK OVER HERE! *Jazz Hands*

I'm am such a failure at Lent. I caught myself before making the same mistake twice after last week during lunch and bought myself a pizza bagel. That was a sense of accomplishment, but after school I went to Wendy's. oudfiucefkcbweijkvbejbkw Only half way through a double-stack in the car did I realize I was eating meat. Every time is by accident, and I feel so bad. Surprisingly, I've strayed away from what I actually gave up: Nutella. Hrmm.. saw the play tonight.. FAME. It was a lot better that I had expected to be, I'll give it that much. I went with the love, and ended up sitting with a buncho guys. Felt a little loss of feminity and kinda felt like I was sitting by the a-hole talkers during the play.. whatever though.. all I know is that I really don't mind seeing it again tomorrow :D I'm just not so sure about running the bakesales too XD I seriously hate baking now. haha It is almost 1 AM and I have brownies in the oven as we speak! Photo will be of FAME ticket stub.

For Lent, I Gave Up Nutella.

So the only excuse I have for no post yesterday was "HOLY FUCK IM TIRED". I cant even post as if it were yesterday because all I did was sleep! I can tell you though.. That I dreamt in sin. I dreamt of eating Nutella, perverts. Its not much , but it nonetheless brought around a craving for some.. But I will admit this is my biggest failure of a Lenten season, no kidding. As for a photo Im sorry to say that I was too busy sleeping to take one, but I might as well post a picture of the sweetest thang in the world :)

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Eyes Wide, Staircase Shenannigans

Im trying my hardest right now to keep my eyes open an awake 0__0 ..yeH thats what i feel like except im sure my eyes can never be that big. Today was good.. We almost got into a stupid arguement but after school we handled it verbally like two normal people. After that, we hid in the staircase where we got the greatest kind of "privacy" in this school. We just sat on the stairs and talked.. Ive come to realize that kisses on the ear feel amaazing ! Im so friggin tired, and there is much hw to be done.. This is a time where i am grateful in having two studies thia MP. Well, gnight, world! Photo will be of hw.. Nothin special lol

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Better Than Expected

Surprisingly, today worked out better than expected. It kind of bummed me out that we weren't going to just hang out today, but I lived through it. We ended up staying in the high school.. even thoguht Mrs. B left, the band room was still open for the play rehearsal. We hung out with what was left of the band peeps, playing concentration 64, the ABCD slap game, and Shimmy Shimmy. The idea that everything was so low key was amazing :D It was a sad thing to hear that you had to leave when Josh called.. It felt nice just leaning my head on your shoulder as you played guitar, just the two of us in the room. I promised us that I would try my best to not let emotions get the best of me, and I was honest when I said I wasn't upset. Plus, I made the best of it as I walk you out. :D And all the way down the hall, I kissed until we reached the front doors. :D I love you :) Photo's of Joe Salems great lefty/righty works on the board. haha.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Moderation & Stability

I feel like good days come in moderation. Sometimes you can't just live a straight life of perfection and happiness. To have up you must have your downs. In a select few cases, the lower the low means the higher the high. There is something about finding resolve with you in our arguements that makes me fall in love with you all over again and then some. This is why I tend to say we are stronger than before , after an arguement. The moderation in these past dew days was good. I long experienced the greatness of my Respected friendships, and today I explored the greatness of our love. I love spending my afternoons with you.. You make me feel so whole for a few 2 or 3 hours.. Whrn I go home afterwards, there is a feeling of satisfaction , but not the same wholeness. Then again, the sound of your voice resonating in my ears through the phone brings me the closest I can ever get to you so late in the day.. So how about that week nirvana? Lets start again. This time we can go for two weeks and on :) photo will be of broccoli. I made dinner for the first time tonight with the help of my moma.. I feel proud. Were getting alomg better these days. :)

Sunday, March 21, 2010


There are times when I may make absolutely no sense. I begin to pull answers out of my ass because I don't know how to explain what I feel. Then, I lose track of anything I'm trying to say. I feel like the only thing I could make sense in was "I just want you." I have acted in selfishness.. I may be going crazy.

Today was okay.. after church, I went over to Ana's hosue where we got A LOT of progress on our project! I mean, we watched the marathon of Solitary, ate cupcakes and chips, and chilled! Eh, the most we got was cut-outs of our project. Procrastination is a beautiful thing :D Photo's of me about to read Macbeth.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Music Speaks!

I think part of what I've been missing in life that been putting me so down is enjoying the rest of it. Tonight proved that to me as I chilled at Music Speaks with Ana, DJ, and Emily. I absolutely love the part of life that I've been lacking for 16 years, but I can't let go of the happiness of what kept me together all along. BUT DAAAYUUUM.. Music Speaks was good! :) AJ Raf and JR Aquino were amazingg! It was funyn how DJ was "telepathically" communicating with AJ during the show and what songs he should play.. Earlier in the day was pretty fun, too. Before we got inside the cafeteria, we messed around with Ana's uke, WHICH SHE GOT SIGNED BY AJ ;D Other guys had ukes and we tried to get them all to "jam", but that failed. It was sad because we found "the one" for Ana! They wore similar shirts, and had similar ukes, and they were just meant for eachother! Oh, and DJ peed with JR LOL

Hrmm..I sat behind a couple where the guy had his arm around her the whole time, and it made me want that.. More or less, it just made me miss him and wish I could have that kind of fun with him AND my friends..

Listening to AJ and JR's songs, I really looked into some of the songs and they got to me.. they had so much truth in their words and I was sort of able to relate. :) Good day Good Day.. Photo's of Ana's signed UKE! WOOT

Friday, March 19, 2010

Hola! , Awww

I can honestly say that today has been one of the best days I've had in a while. It wasn't a constant "lmfao" day, but just a day where I felt relaxed and having genuine fun. After school, Ana and I got some good old Chinese food and Chinah Stahhr! My Chow Fun Flat Noodles jiggled on the not so sanitary tables. Walking back to her house, I felt like I was going to throw up at some points. The food in my stomach was just at the very top - filled. Unnecessary running across empty streets made the food move in ways I did not like. And yes, it easily proves I'm terrible at crossing streets. >.> Then, we just chilled in her living room for a while and looked up a bunch of stuff online. These are days I can honestly admit missing.. having no worries and just enjoying a good day as it comes. Random baking found it's way around the corner :D We tried to make fondant - fail. We tried to make vanilla cupcakes - success :D. When we first started walking from school, though, it was slightly awkward, but for the fact that we haven't hung out for so long.. My efforts are improving.. in my eyes atleast. I'm not asking for your credit on it, but I know that I feel it along with a dose of old happiness. I really hope this life pulls together! :) Photo's of failed fondant that turned into this hard slab of sugar. LOL

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Muddy Parks

This afternoon consisted of two trips to 7-11, going broke, chilling at a muddy park; a lot of walking, and a final trip back to Dunkin Donuts. Goodness, you even tried to snort the slurpee mix @_@. Out of all the flavors, I love the Domo flavor :D I'm definitely not used to to being broke; its quite a sad feeling! Aside from that, I had a decent day with you :) I like being alone with you, as greedy as that seems. And to the other people who might read this, no not because we do stuff, but just the feeling of being with you.. Its a little hectic for my heart when were with other people, but I'll have to manage. Photo's of Roland and his sexy hair ..

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

A Sprinkle of Estrogen, Please

Today was interesting.. Part of me really wished you came around with us to get some ice cream.. It would mean the world to me if you had tagged along, but I can't have everything my way. I know that. But for what its worth, I pray that both sides of my life can get along with eachother.. I want to live a life that is whole and not split into two parts. Even in my case its hard to feel comfortable with you and your friends. You may not like her and she may not like you, but its just something i wish for.

I miss the girl friends who Ive always hung out with regardless. When I hang out with him its great, but sometimes theres too much testosterone in the atmosphere..Every friend we are familiar with is a guy. Its nice to have those female vibes around, too once in a while. Its part of the reason why I wish you tagged along too.. We can laugh hysterically and practically act like guys, but theres a difference still. I don't say I hate hanging out with them or regret it, I just feel a void of estrogen .. Its like being the only girl in the family.. Say its you, your husband , and 2 boys. You love you family to death, but you wish you had another girl around. It was fun chilling out at the tennis courts for the rest of the night.. So many asians! lmao . Photos of what mama loks like every night, watching TFC. Lol

Tuesday, March 16, 2010


Ahhh testing, testing, testingg! I have learned to have lose all i interest or care in so. This morning was the first day of the NJ PASS, and I could've cared less. I swear.. Teach me something and test me now, but don't even bother to ask me of it a year from now. The afternoon on the other hand was interesting. Alo drove us around .. Its pretty cool how weve gotten chill with him. Then we got dropped off at Wendys which was very fun :) you make me laugh like such a girl its wonderful haha. I had my first "soda" float with you today while sharing our second large vanilla frosty haha Photo is of you :)

Monday, March 15, 2010


I will continue to defend my own words. The beauty of a relationship is getting through anything and everything together. ArgueMents are meant to happen, but in an understanding. Both guy and girl have to be willing to talk and get through those 3 steps back to get 4 steps forward. Tonight we just casually talked on the phone, but it led into curious questions in our relationship. "What is your most memorable event in the months we've been together?" theres so much I can give in that answer, so it was hard to narrow it down to one. I can't say I'm a fan of arguements and war, but it is necessary. I am grateful to have someone like you in every way, shape, and form. We were reminded today that at the end of this month we hit half a year, six months. I love you so much.. Just as I did the first month.. Undoubtedly more. Photos of Gaga haha its so dark as I lay here about to sleep lol.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Coming To A Stop

Days are so hard without you. The day literally drags on. I even went to the mall and couldn't stop checking my phone.. Decipher my Tumblr posts and my Facebook status updates, and every emotion is revealed. You can be gone for an hour, and my whole life comes to a stop. I can do other things, but my mind isn't clear. You honestly get me through the day. Just being able to text you on good or bad terms allows me to work better than nothing at all!

"Part of me belongs to you. Please don't runaway with it."

Photo's of pair of shorts I bought <3

Saturday, March 13, 2010


I slightly bonded with each of my parents today. This afternoon I went with my father to catch a showime of the Green Zone . Sure its an interesting movie, as far as story lines go. Iono.. It just makes me think back on howe and my pa always used to do that, typically on a Sunday afternoon. Then we got some coffee on the way home.. Goood times. Tonight I spent the night in my parents bedroom. I get good signal in here haha. My mom came in at one point and she figured how congested I am and gave me a massage. In the process I actually talked a bit with her and learned that she has a slightly greater bond with me than my bro n sister. When they were younger she left the PH to come to america every other year. When I was born we were already settled in the US and she says she had put all her time with me from birth to growing up. I really want to respect her love more as I complimented her on being a good mother :) love you mamaa. Photo will be of whatevaa

Friday, March 12, 2010


"Today was an okay day. I definitely had time with you, maybe less than an hour. It felt like less. It's been so long since I've been to your house and for minutes before you called say to come up, I thought you were going to tell me off go home or find someone else to hang out with because some one's home. I told you that I really don't like that feeling and so I think to myself..that if it happened so often, it would become something I'm used to. That's nothing anyone should be used to. I'm definitely not caving into my old whining self; I'm just stating my mind. Today I feel like we slipped a bit.. that when I first got to your house, you were still upset about something. I think that's where I'm at fault too. I shouldn't bother to always feel what you feel. Instead, when you're down, I need to be the one who's cheery to cheer you up again. Anyways, after leaving, I got picked up by Olga for a ride home and I ended up tagging along for a trip to Mickey D's :D Much fun driving around with her. It was the first time she's been through a drive thru AND her first almost accident 0_0 haha Photo's of the new amazing game me and Jaelynn made up in history LOL."

Thursday, March 11, 2010


I am finally seeing some kind of light in this life. I have come to the crossroads where truth about myself is revealed, and have taken the turn to better myself for the people around me. Formspring has reawakened lately, with a lot of truth. The ex actually wants to be friends and one of my best friends finally opened up to me how she feels. I really want change. I used to be a good person, but I let it slip. I want to regain that "innocence" and so I strive. The people I have come to know in my life are great people, so why should I give anything less in return? Today, I kept my heart up in the air. Good feelings were mostly kept around and I like that. I don't know.. I need to keep myself in that "aura" if I want to progress. Photo will be of Sean and his stuffed rack. Second is of my chocolate box haha.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Hold Strong For Your Heart

So I am laying in bed right now with my head full of curls for tomorrow. It more or less happened out of pure boredon as I began to curl my hair with the straightener. I guess tomorrow will be a girly day haha.. As for today, the goal was to hold strong and be happy and optimistic. Goal scored. I held together and managed a good day with you.. The unfortunate part of today was you going to the ms right after school with sean.. I felt that.. Having such a good day called for spending ime well together after school too. ofcourse, I promised to stay strong. I cant pull you away from plans you make with friends. I had practice anyways.. The kind where we just BSed the whole time and was pointless. You said that to keep you around, all I had to do was say the magic words. I pulled myself together and insisted you to go.. I felt like it was part of the change where I cant kill Myself over the facts. It was a hard thing to say no and push you away like that but I reel like I did good today. We better still be hanging ou soon my love! Alone. Photo will be of waiting at the bus stop today.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Mr. Fixit

Good god..its been another crap day.. but resolve has found its way around the corner tonight. i really pray tomorrow pulls through.. and i can keep some composure..some optimism together for -us- . The negative and positive parts of being so open collided over time.. I became so open and comfortable with letting out my feelings that i couldnt completely see yours. Then I asked you to be completely honest about what you were thinking and how my actions and behavior has been upsetting you. The good shone through your truthful answer and with that I can create thoughts thats turn into opinions -for change. I pray for a day - better. Oh and apparently the ex finally want to become aquainted..we'll see how this pans out tomorrw. Photo to be uploaded is of ..crap i cant remember what picture I took..OH. hahaha its of the random drawing i did on the pile of boxes in the band room. Its pretty hot.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Live By Quotation

"I want to be able to keep you -us- as happy as we were when you first asked me out"

I never want to be the one to upset you and ruin a day.. But I did also promise to always be open with how I feel, despite how minute or grand the emotion turns out to be. My promise has worked out for better and for worse in separate occasions. Today just upset me so much. I haven't exactly told you in person, but you will probably read this.. Well I was so upset because last week was by far one of the worst weeks. I wanted last week to end so badly because I wanted to forget it a look forward to a better week: this week. I was pulled so far aback from my optimism this afternoon that I just became a bitter person. All I want to do is relax with you alone for a given hour or so. I haven't really been given that opportunity except Friday.. I am stil waiting for that day's opportunity where I get to just lay with you and listen to our breathing and heartbeats. I am technically still upset, but I really want to live up to the quote. I am going to try harder to look on the brighter side of things. You have taken over my heart and priorities. Your happiness is mine, too and I want to maintain stability there. How you have been dealing with me for 5 months - I do not know. I just know that I never want to imagine a life without you. Photo is of the Target Bunny beause I went there tonight. haha

Sunday, March 7, 2010

He's Having a B.F.! (Bitchfit)

Goodness...I really need to stop baking. It's getting tiring and tempting! There are points where I just wanna eat the brownies for myself >_> I really surprised I actually got all my homework done tongiht..well most of it. I had expected to still be sitting here right now, gouging my eyes out, begging for sleep. was nothing too crazy.. This morning, pa's period came and he had a bitch fit right before church. On the car ride there, he decides he is jsut going to drop my mother, my siter, and I off and he's going home. He's suchhh a girl I swear! Photo to be uploaded is of brownies -_-

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Lethargic, Everyday

My work ethic has honestly lost its value in my mind. I want to be at the top of my class without doing anything. It is a very bad thing to admit , but all I rellay want to do this weekend is sleep. Even when Im awake, my will to pick up a pen and open my folder is very slim. Today I slept in after a long night To Jersey City including the subway journey back. Days like this I Also eat to endless points. I wish I couldve gone out tonight but im far too tired, i cant walk, and i hadto work on my project..that of which im too tired to finish working on.. Im screwed haha . Im watching Bleach on tv right now and it reminds me why I hate dubbed animes. *shivers* Photo to be uploaded is of profile picture I took today.. The previous one was not keeping meh happyy

Friday, March 5, 2010

Unexpected Journey

So forgive me for the days where I am juggled between happiness and being upset.. Its become so simple for me to be sAs about the slightrsts things After this terrible week of murdered expectations, it became so easy for me to feel negatively about anything. Yes, my reasons may have been stupid and (not)understandable, but I am a person of emotions.. Part of me needs to learn how to just let things not get to me.. Just not eveerry single thing. So we finally got off our butts and planned to go to Newport Mall with his brother: one of the funniest guys everr. We had to wait until he got out of work at 6 so i spend the mean time with you in. Comic book store in Newark. It was my first time stepping foot into one and theres a vibe that I really like about th. There's this vintage happiness that circulates throughe about being able to manually search through filed boxes of endless comic books. Anyways, he finally got out of work and we were off. No lie, he is one of the funnieat people I have ever met. At first, my feelings couldnt help but fluxuate because i felt like the 3rd wheel between you and your brother.. I also felt sad because between u and me, some jokes could not be taken "as a . Overall tonight was good. There were timea with all I could do was laugh.. Other times I thought different. Tonight coukdve been so much better if i learned to let go of silly feelings.. I love you with all my heart, mind, and soul lol I really eant to do this again with ypu <3

Thursday, March 4, 2010

"That's Totally The Wrong Hole, Man!"

How am I supposed to come terms with the fact that I just want you all to myself? More or less, the question is how do I deal? Today was pretty exciting for the most part, but as soon as it hit the point where I was sitting alone in front of the HS for 15 minutes , I was depressed. It was so great how the two of you bonded so well, it was pretty damned amazing.. but then it got to this point where live couldl've paused in a midst of a laugh and I could have been cropped out of the picture and it just wouldn't have made a difference. Sitting alone waiting for a ride made me tear up at the terrible thought : the day you may come to finally become bored of me and realize I'm not all that interesting. It makes me shit bricks.. I really odon't want to be proven right.. Photo 's of whatever I upload lol

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Starting Out Unfortunate

My god..I have a Terrible headache..pusling in the back of my head. Today was the first day in a while where I actually practices with the girls and it's been hell! It doesn't help that I couldn't even breathe today. After this mornings time-strained adventure, running was something I'm done with for today.. I couldn't breathe well during all my classes, taking deep breaths here and there. This morning started out unfortunate. I woke up and decided to get ready right away. The plan was to catch the morning bus to the hjs and get breakfast with him. I didn't relalize it was raining til you called. I was so fucking pissed at myself. I get way too into the excitement for my own good. This week is has been no good to me at all. I want it to be over with already.
Drop me off at the mall alone and let me sulk; let me indulge in clothing galore. Photo to be posted is of first good watercolor painting I ever did from this morning since I didn't bother to go back to sleep I couldn't.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

"He's Fast: He's At The End And You Still at Start"

Gahh.. I seriously hate being without a laptop.. I wouldnt mind the idea of posting from my ipod so much if I had great wifi in my apartment, but I dont. Today is a sad disappointment just in fact that I wish couldve hung out with you after school, just the two of us. What was still unfortuate turned out to be okay. We just hung out in the band room alone as you played guitar and I jokingly made up lyrics. They were pretty good I will not lie. The bad singing was not fake though, as much as I wish it were haha . Tomorrow morni g should seem the play out well.. Hopefully I get ro enjoy some breakfast with the guy I love.. Maybe some good old eggs and pancakes! Nom! Photo to be posted is of a pastel drawing I did tonight.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Psyched did not start out the best.. Eventually, things patched up this afternoon. I'm pretty psyched for this week because of HSPAs Today was basically our only full day of school this week and tomorrow I ain't waking up at 7AM! Gimme another hour or so and we're good :) Hopefully I can get some breakfast with a lover, or just spend time with him, to say the least.. The cookies sold well today! >:D Photo's of Papa the Taliban and his wife haha..