What A Silly, Naive Little Girl

There's something about being a teenage girl and setting yourself up for the downfall. Its like a game of jenga and your just pulling out all the wrong blocks, doomed to collapse. I have been expecting way too much. My optimism is beyond realistic. You would think I learn after the first let down. but I just pile up the hopes again. Ever since I hit middle school, I had these little fantasies where I figured someone cared enough to sneak into my locker and decorate it for my birthday. For two year, I opened up to the same shitty locker that I did the day before. SOmetimes I had hoped for a love letter from anyone: a friend, maybe an admirer, if one existed. Again, my heart would drop as I opened that metal thing on Valentine's Day only to find it empty.I don't tell anyone, but I still do it now. On my birthday or anygiven day,I paused for a second and slowly turn the combo. With my head leaded against the locker, excitement pulses for no reason. For what it was already known to happen, everything looks the same. I fiddle around just to check if there's anything different, but ofcourse there isn't. Tomorrow is something special to me. Your absence had me hoping you were at my locker for something cute, but I later figured out not. Im so fucking naive.. you didnt even bother to come find me or talk to me after wards and so there i sat.Jazz band started and as it turns out, you already found your way to the band room. still didnt talk. WTF. I guess leaving suited the situation since you went to play guitar anyway. its realistically not fair to do that to a person and talk to them later on and say you werent mad anymor e in the first place. Im afriad to conclude that everyone's enjoying their other friends. My fault, anyway. Photo is of a little drawing I did on the board in the back of my Algebra class.

Better Than Expected

Surprisingly, today worked out better than expected. It kind of bummed me out that we weren't going to just hang out today, but I lived through it. We ended up staying in the high school.. even thoguht Mrs. B left, the band room was still open for the play rehearsal. We hung out with what was left of the band peeps, playing concentration 64, the ABCD slap game, and Shimmy Shimmy. The idea that everything was so low key was amazing :D It was a sad thing to hear that you had to leave when Josh called.. It felt nice just leaning my head on your shoulder as you played guitar, just the two of us in the room. I promised us that I would try my best to not let emotions get the best of me, and I was honest when I said I wasn't upset. Plus, I made the best of it as I walk you out. :D And all the way down the hall, I kissed until we reached the front doors. :D I love you :) Photo's of Joe Salems great lefty/righty works on the board. haha.

That Sick Feeling

Hrmm.. today took a while to come around full circle. It's never a decent feeling to go to sleep without hear the voice of the person you love. I haven't talked to you since 6:00PM, yesterday. Today during school, you wouldn't even keep eye contact with me.. it hurt so much. Before first period, I was already prepared to leave the building. By 8:50AM I had this sick feeling in my stomach dreading to see your face. At lunch, you wouldn't even look at me. I held back my hardest from tearing up during the day. Finally we got to your house and we laid down. Things still weren't right. I broke down in your arm, tears drenching your white v-neck. We finally discussed what went wrong. Eventually, resolve was found and once and I was smiling brightly as any day, maybe more. I can't bear not talking to you for even an hour. The idea of going without your voice or texts for a day was unbearable.

My Attention To The Irrelevant

I've become more prone to tearing up. Ever since I've been with you, I've become so openly emotional. Goodness, sometimess I can irritate myself! I would never let myself tear up in public, but they just find there way out of my eyes. I've become more sensitive to words and their meaning, even if they don't have any at all. I feel so embarrassed. I can get upset for something so irrelevant. A joke is a joke right? Why should I, so quickly, take offence? It's funny because I kept asking myself that same question over and over again, for the rest of those 40 minutes today. Considering what I've put you guys through, I feel like one little thing bursts the bubble and I'm just gone. My efforts are so sensitive because I'm scared it will all collapse. I don't even know. I'm writing this and I keep shaking my head. I can't put this situation into an understanding. I wish I didn't have to feel these emotions. My attention to irrelevance is so acute. I thought my FB results were funny. They're practically all gay.

Greatest Gift Delivered Tonight

Merry Merry Christmas.. a lot of you should be lucky for the way you spend you holidays. Mine are low-key and I've come to accept that, but I do always wish for more.. I wish for family gatherings and big social scenes, but we can't always get what we want, huh? The entire day was fine until my greatest gift of all was delivered tonight: an arguement with my mother. Good god, those get pretty intense. Over some dishes, really? She kept riding up my butt about it even thoguht I said "Okay". My temper rose and hyperventilation kicked in. She wouldnt stop yelling. I ran to the room to cool off, and she opens the door 10 seconds later and continues to yell at me. Really now? Atleast let me breathe. Photo's of cookies [snowballs] I finished off making for my sister that caused the arguement.

Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek

So there was this one point last year where my mom's voice was completely shot..she couldn't talk at all! and when she did, it was high-pitched, loud, and squeeky, and annoying. Wellllll *drumroll* ...I'm her now. >.> My voice, as of right now, is absolutely, completely shot. Every word that attempts to come out of my mouth hits a high note and stays there until I close my mouth again. Earlier this morning, I just thought it was funny because I could still kind of talk. Now, I just want to rip my voicebox out. I'm not sure how I got this way. For the past few days, I've been waking up with a raspy voice, but it would eventually go away. I would say it's because I cheered so much at All-States the night before, but I didn't even cheer that much. This morning, I woke up and came to the high school for a damned parade we had to do. Everyone I talked to thought my voice was horrible; I even got told to shut up and just stop talking a couple times. haha. I just gargled a glass of warm water, vinegar, and salt, advised by the Reyeses. I also drank two glasses of warm ginger ale. Eh. I sound like a 50-year-old smoker. I want my normal voice back! lol Look- Jaelynn's puppy pooped in front of us, in her room. eww.. lol and yes, there is a bathroom pad for that purpose.

So We Lost - What Else Is New?

Belleville against Bloomfield today..we lost. ofcourse. haha

The day was quite interesting.. I wasn't sure if I felt pissed off or happy by the end of it. I was very content at the football game because it is my favorite out of all of them. I know so many people from there that it brings a good feeling to see a lot of familiar faces. I sort of got pissed off at myself because of our performance, but what the hell. It's just a football game. I'll work harder this upcoming week. Our first competition is next Saturday! Oh goodness! Feelings of a controversial happiness came over me, as we got back from the game. Questions were being asked and things were being assumed. It was sort of funny. Oh, here's somehting from Per 1 Health Class. haha