Failure By Design

Tonight brought up a little scare that had me down in the dumps. All day I felt on the fence, nor happy nor sad, but by 9PM, the night was already a tough one. When our relationship is risked, I freak out. Then, I have to play the whole "he said she said" game and find out who knows, when we're trying to keep it on the down-low. I look back on it now and I feel bad for suddenly riding up my friend's ass with blame and a warning. I should have approached the situation more politely, but hey, it's what happened. Today also consisted of trying to make flag designs for our show. I'm willing to do as much as I can to make this show good. It will literally be ours. Photo is of that design. PS. I need to get out more..beach tomorrow yay! :D

See Ma, We Could Wear Shorts!

So today was the first day of my stay at Monmouth University for this HOBY leadership seminar. It was definitely much more than i had expected! But back tracking to this morning? Oh my, what a stressful morning that was! Basically, last night carried into today with my mother yelling at me to. Bring this and that. I realize that she does it out of care and sorry but its a little over the limit or out of bounds of the correct way. The way she addresses me to bring items was just too much pressure on top of my own worry to pack by myself. But anyways, we got here really early. We left the house a little past and got here at a little past 8.

As of expectations, it was NOT what i expected! When you think leadership seminar you think boring and formal,when actually the people are crazy hyper and fun. While still getting the message across. It all began driving up to registration parking lot. The people directing us pointed the way and screamed "are you readdyyy!!??hooobbyy!!" and then when we went to registration table we walked through "the tunnel" of cheering and welcome. I got to the dorm and got settled, still with no room mate. We went back down to the orientation. To find that this is where i part ways with my sister and mom. It was a quick depart but i was ready. From there i walked over to a group of other ambassadors in the beginning of a chain of ice breaker games which was pretty interesting considering the energy already established. After, we found ourselves in groups at a hall at specific tables. There music played ,we jammed awkwardly just kidding. We have learned SOO many cheers today its insane! A big importance about this weekend to me is to explore my social abilities that I know I have. My group is a bit awkward but were warming up to each others. At times I dislike it because I have 3 catty girls and it kind of got annoying how they would text or only speak to each other. But then again my so skills aren't on blast yet. I look forward for tomorrow with that. After the talks and dancing , the after of lectures began. The first was good and pretty moving. The man ripped a 20 bill in pieces to signify its importance. After that, the presentations got monogamous and sleep started to catch on. Then we made commercial skits to sell a product based on a good characteristic of leadership. They activity actually let us bond better in a way and all my bets or on tomorrow. i realized today to not leave out those shy awkward people because i well enough know i used to be that same girl. Photo is of the dorm :D

I Ate My Life Away Today (Twice, Basically)

Ahh, this is the first time I have ever really celebrated MDW and it was pretty fun :) So at 6AM, I got my wake-up call from Alo saying that he'd pick me up soon. I got up and started to get ready. 2 minutes later, he texts me and says he's outside. In my mind I was like WTF haha.. but I got ready. I woke up mama to ask for money. She only gave me $20, but it sufficed. What she gave an unwanted amount of was parental "love". Right before I left she started freaking out, asking who was going whose driving what's going on - AFTER we discussed everything last night. I have recently determined that my mother is bi-polar because by the time time we were in the car and the rest of the day pulled through, she was calm and happy on the phone. Today was actually pretty fun. We played volleyball, went into the cold waters, the sun came out (40% T-storms my buttocks!), and we went on an adventure. Out adventure was kind of scary and gross. We wandered into the forest-hill area, secluded from the main grounds. In flip-flops and shorts, we made our ways up, up, up to the supposed top. There were Daddy Long Legs everywhere, mosquitoes, and questionable plants. Coming back down, we possibly ran into some Poison Ivy, but I'm not itching so all seems well. I honestly missed you today. There were various couples from prom last night, and I wish I had you at my waist, too. After a long day of fun and eating my life away, we left. Our car came back to Belleville and then went to Babo. It was chill, but nothing too exciting for the fact that we were all tired and ingesting anything more wasn't necessary. Photo's are from the course of today. :D Alo was Roland's Romeo, trying to wake him up by throwing things at his window. Roland slept the whole ride to and from the lake, like a rock. He sleeps with his eyes open. It's creepy so the shades stayed on! We found a mussel in the lake and cooked it, along with some snails. Joriz ate it! The forest of our dreams made me fearful of getting itchy.

The Day's Okay, It's A Process Of Change

Tonight was Senior prom..I wish I could've gone! lol It would have given me something better to do today. Today I woke at the beautiful time of 30 past noon. Eh, I think back on today and there was a lot of eating D: I should take a knife and cut off my stomach right now. I usually stop eating at 8:30Pm but I ate past then so my mom wouldn't get mad. Anyways, I went to the mall today with my brother and mother and virtually bought nothing lol. There were so many things I wouldn't have minded picking up, but all I could think about was how I just wanted to go to Urban Outfitter and get the shoes I want. We saw Prince of Persia after that, which was actually pretty decent. As usual my mother could help but comment aloud on the movie as I sat next to her. It wasn't as bad today though. Then, we went to Urban Outfitter in Montclair! :D I saw Deejay, Ana, and Emily there. That was cool. Anyways, there is this one pair of sandals that I really wanted to get after seeing it online. I couldn't find it in the store! :'( I settled for two other pairs which I did like, but "settling for" isn't exactly the greatest thing to do. I came home to find that one of them was the wrong size, but still fit and I'm stretching them out right now with ice in the freezer. Photo is of the comparison I made with Papa and Jackie Chan XD. Jackie Chan is playing my Papa in the Karate Kid Remake!!

"Wow Backwards Is Wow!"

The variety in my life has definitely been staged today and I feel so happy about it. I hung out with new people I usually don't chill with and I was myself! Sure, I may have been quiet a few times, but I put my best foot forward and for that I am satisfied. At first, I chilled with Roland at his house and ate his leftovers. Mmm, KFC baby! Then, we went to play volleyball in Kearny. Chubbs almost got eaten by a hawk - the poor baby! :[ I really sucked at volleyball in the sand, but whatever - the sun was in my face too! Later, Roland left and Alo, Joriz, Laila, Mikki Jo, and I went to eat at Hooters. It was my first time and I must say the wings are fucking amazing!! It was also Trivia Night which was pretty fun! Then, to end the night, we met up with a few more people and went to Babo and got some tasty bubble tea! Yuum! We stood by the water for a while, taking in the cold and its entirety. By then, my worry to get home was already a bit high. Eventually I got home. Driving around is by far one of the funnest things ever. The idea of just driving around and laughing at this and that and telling stories is something I completely favor as I am willing to do it again :) Photo is of Rolando's Winnie the Pooh gummy bear work of art! :D

Drowsy's Got Nuttin' On Me

Despite the fact that I could still be sleeping right now, blogging has become a priority over the couce of like 260 or so previous posts. Anywho, today was pretty decent. What caught me off guard though was how I seemed upset or something to you after school when I was just napping on your shoulder. I was just napping,silly.. you're very comfortable to lie on! We chilled at DJs house for a while just in fact to not go home. We watched a recording of the play, pointing things out like the awkward dancing of certain people xD Hmm.. well tonight you went to church and I was feeling a little drowsy, so I went in for a nap. There wa s no guarantees that I would wake up again to talk to him, but I did. I was quite happy with that and texted back.. and then I fell asleep again. Lol man.. i just really need so Zzz's I guess haha. Photo is of just pics I was taking on the way home. Cam-whoring.

Mah Cousin Fer Life :)

It feels like you're not even trying right now, but whatever. Hrmm.. I look back on today and see nothing special. It's sad for me to admit that I woke up and did nothing. I kind of would rather have slep tthe whole day away. Finally being able to chat online, I was talking to the bestie about how one of these Summers I'm going to buy a plane ticket and visit him in Cali >:] We are going to roadtrip down to LA and SF and live it up! It honestly has me so excited for the time we can finally drive and jsut be our own. I haven't seen this boy for like a year from the last time he visited, but boy do I miss him so! I swear..if he was here, our hs years would be so epic. I highly believe, my emotions wouldn't be on such a rampage because he'd probably slap me silly before they did. haha Photo is of a parallel text off of Sparknotes that I printed out for Macbetha-tha.

What A Silly, Naive Little Girl

There's something about being a teenage girl and setting yourself up for the downfall. Its like a game of jenga and your just pulling out all the wrong blocks, doomed to collapse. I have been expecting way too much. My optimism is beyond realistic. You would think I learn after the first let down. but I just pile up the hopes again. Ever since I hit middle school, I had these little fantasies where I figured someone cared enough to sneak into my locker and decorate it for my birthday. For two year, I opened up to the same shitty locker that I did the day before. SOmetimes I had hoped for a love letter from anyone: a friend, maybe an admirer, if one existed. Again, my heart would drop as I opened that metal thing on Valentine's Day only to find it empty.I don't tell anyone, but I still do it now. On my birthday or anygiven day,I paused for a second and slowly turn the combo. With my head leaded against the locker, excitement pulses for no reason. For what it was already known to happen, everything looks the same. I fiddle around just to check if there's anything different, but ofcourse there isn't. Tomorrow is something special to me. Your absence had me hoping you were at my locker for something cute, but I later figured out not. Im so fucking naive.. you didnt even bother to come find me or talk to me after wards and so there i sat.Jazz band started and as it turns out, you already found your way to the band room. still didnt talk. WTF. I guess leaving suited the situation since you went to play guitar anyway. its realistically not fair to do that to a person and talk to them later on and say you werent mad anymor e in the first place. Im afriad to conclude that everyone's enjoying their other friends. My fault, anyway. Photo is of a little drawing I did on the board in the back of my Algebra class.

Define Pathetic

My life is so dependent. I am the saddest story of desperation and flaw. This whole day started off with baking two more batches of brownies , picking up from last night. Then I went to the bakesale at the hs for the play. i can't say it was fun, but something mediocre. I am the odd ball in this life that can't even converse for shits and giggles. I can say one thing to strike conversation, but then after that, I cant think of wat to say so I look away half the time. Im fairly jealous of you today. Youre finding a life better and though, i have found better too, its not everything. I would honestly be happy every second of the day if I was with him all the time, but Im not. And because I fucked our friendship over, i am absolutely nothing -ashes and dirt- without prupose. God help me because you are my last resort in this life. Photo is of the play.

Moderation & Stability

I feel like good days come in moderation. Sometimes you can't just live a straight life of perfection and happiness. To have up you must have your downs. In a select few cases, the lower the low means the higher the high. There is something about finding resolve with you in our arguements that makes me fall in love with you all over again and then some. This is why I tend to say we are stronger than before , after an arguement. The moderation in these past dew days was good. I long experienced the greatness of my Respected friendships, and today I explored the greatness of our love. I love spending my afternoons with you.. You make me feel so whole for a few 2 or 3 hours.. Whrn I go home afterwards, there is a feeling of satisfaction , but not the same wholeness. Then again, the sound of your voice resonating in my ears through the phone brings me the closest I can ever get to you so late in the day.. So how about that week nirvana? Lets start again. This time we can go for two weeks and on :) photo will be of broccoli. I made dinner for the first time tonight with the help of my moma.. I feel proud. Were getting alomg better these days. :)

A Sprinkle of Estrogen, Please

Today was interesting.. Part of me really wished you came around with us to get some ice cream.. It would mean the world to me if you had tagged along, but I can't have everything my way. I know that. But for what its worth, I pray that both sides of my life can get along with eachother.. I want to live a life that is whole and not split into two parts. Even in my case its hard to feel comfortable with you and your friends. You may not like her and she may not like you, but its just something i wish for.

I miss the girl friends who Ive always hung out with regardless. When I hang out with him its great, but sometimes theres too much testosterone in the atmosphere..Every friend we are familiar with is a guy. Its nice to have those female vibes around, too once in a while. Its part of the reason why I wish you tagged along too.. We can laugh hysterically and practically act like guys, but theres a difference still. I don't say I hate hanging out with them or regret it, I just feel a void of estrogen .. Its like being the only girl in the family.. Say its you, your husband , and 2 boys. You love you family to death, but you wish you had another girl around. It was fun chilling out at the tennis courts for the rest of the night.. So many asians! lmao . Photos of what mama loks like every night, watching TFC. Lol

"That's Totally The Wrong Hole, Man!"

How am I supposed to come terms with the fact that I just want you all to myself? More or less, the question is how do I deal? Today was pretty exciting for the most part, but as soon as it hit the point where I was sitting alone in front of the HS for 15 minutes , I was depressed. It was so great how the two of you bonded so well, it was pretty damned amazing.. but then it got to this point where live couldl've paused in a midst of a laugh and I could have been cropped out of the picture and it just wouldn't have made a difference. Sitting alone waiting for a ride made me tear up at the terrible thought : the day you may come to finally become bored of me and realize I'm not all that interesting. It makes me shit bricks.. I really odon't want to be proven right.. Photo 's of whatever I upload lol

With Clenched Fists, I Leaned

Too many people have gotten hurt today. Today was a fun day.. I woke up at 12 and got ready for Audrey's ice skating birthday party. I was 30 minutes late; I am such a fail. Hey, but given the results, I never fell! I almmost fell twice and the second time was kinda bad. Jeff fell down and his legs kicked up. Lucky me was standing next to him, spinning in a circle, kind of on the verge of falling. The blade ended up hitting the palm of my right hand. It wasn't too bad, but there's a slit on my palm...and those blades can't POSSIBLY be sanitary! A couple people fell and Ana stuck to the rail. Haha..I tried to help but it just wasn't working. Afterwards, we split up into two groups, two cars to get back to Aud's house for food. While waiting for our ride, Sean, Roland, Abby, Ana, and myelf played around in the playground. Roland literally dropped his pocket on the swings. He tried to jump off, his jacket got caught and he fell flat on his tailbone haha..His entire pocket ripped off, and I have to sew it back on. Gah.. I tried to clim between two trees and that was the biggest failure. I got up the trees a few steps and I couldn't hold very well so I decided to jump off. When I jumped off, I looked for a clearing to land on. Yeahh..I missed it. I rolled on my ankle and I lost my breath. I tried to keep composure and leaned against the tree with cleanched fists. Gah it still hurts. Back at Aud's, I gorged on food and failed at Brawl. We watched Jennifer's Body. (pronounced Yenn-eee-furr's Bah-dee) Photo's of the peeps sitting on the bench, waiting.

Can You Really Blame

Holy Christmas yay, Mid-terms are over! I thought today was my hardest exam day, but it was not bad at all. I think I put too much effort in to studying than I needed to. Chemistry went fairly easy, seeing that Mr. Lepo basically gave us the entire test to study off of! (essays included!) The 45 minutes that I had after school with you before practice is something I cherish so greatly. I have my friends and I have the other half of me. I'm never chosing one over the other; both play too great of an importance in my life. Love is something that I have only truly been introduced to this year and it's the tiny part of me that I've been missing for so long. I may seem to never be around and with him, but can you really blame a person for wanting to be whole? Once again, I'm not chosing over anything or anyone. I still have time for friends, too. Photo is proof that I finally finished tonight! Imma give it to Jaelynn tomorrow..she's been asking me to make a plush for eeeeeeeeeeeevvvverrr. I was gonna give it to her for Christmas, but I never finished till now. Yes, I know it's late.

Through

I'm through. I'm through with whining, I'm through with crying, I don't give a rat's ass about my sorry self. I'm pretty sure people are annoyed with me just as I am. I growing a pair and dealing with life. Fix these huge potholes in the road and file down the bumps. Life will be good, and dare I say, I'm not going to let myself get in the way. Life's too short. I have friends. I'm not losing them. I have love. I'm not losing him. There is a balance. I'm going to find it. I think I failed my French mid-term, no lie. I think I got my permit, though.

Real Time

Today was good. I ended up going to Jersey [without lying! kind of.] to supposedly ice skate, but we didnt. On the way there, traffic was so bad that Laurence dared to get out of the car and run to Babo and get there before us. He actually did it ._. I stuck with Ana and Deejay and it was pretty fun just roaming around. After a while, it got tiring, but oh well. In JC there's such a small radius of places to walk to IN THE FREEZING COLD. We first hit Babo to gorge in their delicious belgian waffles and bubble teas ;D Then we hit the mall. We didn't even buy anything but we went from store to store just wandering. It makes me want to go to Garden State Plaza sooo bad! I really glad I got to spend real time with my friends because I haven't done that in a while, based on my fault. It's amazing what adventures you can experience being on the lightrail and pathtrains. Deejay had never been on a train before hahaha. Photo's of Laurence running back cus the should narrows haha.

Given A Day

...and I can't stand to be without you. I am still determined to kept the rest of my life together- my friendships around- but it is so difficult trying. I don't argue today because I needed to make up for lost time; I have caught myself to be far too distant lately. And yes, you are the reason why. =] I choose to be with you every opportunity that comes my way which, in turn, pulls me away from them. I don't argue today, yet I feel such a void from it. I can't stand cutting off all connection from you for hours; I could've texted you, but I didn't want to go against the reason why I was hanging out with them in the first place. I know you feel the same void- the same emptiness- that I do. We are so ridiculous..let's not do that again. I love you. lol Look, we became kids again, painting paper plates for no good reason!!

15 Parts To A Belated Birthday Gift

Welll..today was cute :) I hope you enjoyed my gift for you..I put alotttaaa thought into it. I figured that since you were getting punched all day by guy friends, it'll be a good change of pace to just give you 15 kisses in a progression :D #1 was a simple kiss on the cheek..and it went on from there. It was fun while it lasted :D haha Look, Kevin came by after school today and I haven''t seen that kid foreverrrr! haha.. eh. my face..is fat. Gotta stop eating so much!

Weather Denied Us A Better Day

I'm really learning to love Fridays. Weather denied us a better day, but I'm very content with how today was. Having somewhat an hour or so is something I'm still grateful for. Practice tonight wasn't too bad either. Neither of our instructors came until 6:30PM. The first one who came is too lazy to even clap her hands to keep tempo, so the period that she ran practice was not even legitimate. When PJ came, practice just got a little bit more serious, but overall rehearsal went by pretty fast. I was glad to come home and finally relax. Though I have a competition tomorrow, I can finally drop every tension and take in some deep breaths.

Sewwwww

Today was a good day.. :) well, moreover, the night was pretty up there. The day itself was just sectionals, so nothing too crazy. We went over the new work learned from the previous night and then everyone got tested on the 3rd number. That was kind of funny.. I know what it feels like to be a first year and have to do a run-though on your own.. XD it's pretty nerve wrecking, not going to lie! Most of the rookies forgot the work out of nervousness, winning themselve a couple laps around the bus route.

My night was a pretty decent one. I tried to do homework, which overall failed, but I also tried to get Sison's pants done. As I've done mine, I'm hemming in people's uniform pants to fit nicely like skinnies. I havent asked for money because I think I still suck and these are my friends, so no charge! I kind of effed her pants, so I'll fix that tomorrow night. ANYWAYS, after that, I had a good 48 minute conversation with him.. :) I feel really grateful to have someone like him because as tired as he may be, there was that little sacrifice to stay up with me. I told him not to, but he insisted. =P Nights like this are what I love.