"We Could Virtually Have Had A Baby!"

Wow, we could have virtually had a baby in the amount of time we've been dating. As of today, we make 9 months - 9 months I would never want stripped from my mind. No matter what plans needed to be arranged, I know that I needed to be with you. If you couldn't come over, I would willingly bike there and find somewhere to chill - no questions asked. As it turned out, you came over :) I met you half-way here on bike, while you rode yours. Eh, I actually left too late that "half" wasn't exactly relative to it's measured distance. Although our day started a little later because both of us were too tired to get up, we still had our day. Today was also the day I was so eager to make up yesterday's failure in. You were able to tell that I had a little bit a lottabit of tension, trying to make sure I didn't ruin today. Things were a little off at first because I thought about yesterday, but I snapped out of the thought as we began to play video games. I told you the other day that you are so many firsts in my life - both relationship wise and just in general. That involves video games. You know that I freak out and spazz with any kind of RPGs because I never was used to playing them. Now, you are introducing me to them, kind of like facing my fears. I felt accomplished today with a few head shots here and there on the last bullet and amazing [unintentional] feats. Yet, we could not have any of that without any of my yelping when new enemies appear or my abrupt pausing of the game at certain parts. We laughed and laughed as we traded off missions in Drake's Fortune because we kept dying! My mind was clear from there on and your kisses felt so good. Later, we went into the kitchen and started to make crepes - that was when my tension also began to rise. My lola was just leaning against the back of a chair, staring while we cooked and I just felt super uncomfortable at the stove and pulling ingredients out. You tried to tell me to relax and that everything was fine - sorry it took me forever to cool down! x3 You held me at the shoulders with a reassuring look and gave me a few reassuring kisses. It's nothing against her, but I just feel awkward being watched. Eh. I let you taste your first crepe with Nutella filling and you liked it - that brought me a smile. Around 1PM we finally got to get comfortable on the couch and watch Fight Club on Blu-Ray. You love that movie and have been dying to show me it, as I have been dying to watch it with you. It was really good, I'm not going to lie :) I want to finished the movie with you, which will also mean another day you'll be over! I promise you: this summer can & will be ours. At 2:15PM we rode back to the other side of Belleville and just finished our morning together at Wendy's to get some real food! We had to part ways after that - you wanted to get home before yo' mama did. I can't help but think... that if you and I can afford days like this and simply feel this way for so long, then I'm ready to spend a whole lifetime with you. It's understood that you can't have your good days with out your bad ones, but right now we need to balance those days out and climb out of our hole. I'm willing to do that for you and with you. I love you so much.. like a fat boy loves cake. :) After I left, I didn't want to go home so I went to Stop&Shop to buy random things. I ended up getting this bleaching kit for some unwanted stomach hairs. -insecurity mode- Haha, I just think it'll look nice looking more bare at the beach! I can think back on today and really say that I redeemed myself for yesterday's weird phase. God, Jacob Reyes, I love you beyond words. You literally help build me into a person I'm not ashamed to call yours. As our corny romantic minds think, "Always&Forever To Infinity&Beyond" Happy 9 months, mi vida. :) Photo is of us before leaving for Wendy's.

Two Butterflies And A Freaking Helmet

Today seemed like a first step in our attempt at fixing us. The idea was for me to wake up early, ride my new bike to your house (or meet up with you at the HS, whichever), and keep around while you exercised around the HS track. I was so ready this morning; I've been continuing to take a better initiative in my life and stop procrastinating with things. It pissed me off this morning when I was trying to be polite with my mother, telling her that I was going to take the bike instead of getting a ride. Bringing the bike was a big part of my plan and without it, everything virtually seemed ruined. In theory, if I hung out with you today, it wouldn't have worked well if I was constantly walking and you were on a bike, always ahead. It literally broke me when she began to argue that I can't take the bike. She swore that I didn't know how to ride a bike and that if I was pulled over by a cop, she would go to jail because I wasn't wearing a helmet. Simply, it was jut too dangerous to! I cried and expressed my anger in other ways, more for the fact that hey, I'm trying to put my efforts to fix something that means so much to me and this is whats stopping me from having today? I couldn't help but think how ridiculous her excuses were. The thing is, it didn't seem like the idea of riding a bike phased her until today. This day that I needed most; the day that I mapped out routes for in my mind last night. Today was for us; a future together we promised; saving everything from slipping away. Eventually, I took up my last resort and got a ride from my brother. If this day couldn't go down as I had planned, it had to go down any way possible.

So there I was, a [pede]strian, standing in from of the high school. I waited a few seconds before heading my way behind the high school, taking a short cut to the field. I texted him, telling him my situation and also explaining that I would just meet him there. He replied with the fact that he had to run an errand beforehand anyways and that I should just walk towards his house. A little happier inside, I followed orders and made my way towards his place. I was happy because I thought hey, maybe this day won't be so bad. I'll run errands with him; I'll watch him exercise - just anything to be with him. Walking down Division Ave. [by the way, I'm starting to know my way around Belleville more! Street names and all], I saw various people on bikes without helmets. I frankly don't care about the safety gear, but the ridiculous morning I had about them made me resent every single one of those people I saw. Another one was steering my way. "Ugh, another one. Great" I tried to look away, but a quick glance turned into a double-take. As he got closer, this guy looked more familiar. Close enough to realize who it was, I took back my last thought and a smile naturally began to grow on my face. It was the guy my morning almost prevented me from seeing.

It was a little awkward at first, seeing him. All I could think back to was yesterday's epiphanies and conversation. Are we going to be okay? What if we break up? God, I can't lose this guy. Screw it, let's just put our best efforts in. With him on a bike and myself walking, we made our first stop to the corner store by School #3. He needed to pick up an Arizona Green Tea for his sick friend, Gio. Then, we made our way to Dan's house, where he picked up another bike he left there, which I borrowed for the day. Oh Jesus Christ - that seat hurt so much! I'm pretty sure I'm bruised down there, as that seat was way too narrow. It was like I was sitting on nothing, just pain. Next, we headed for Town Hall, where he needed to pay the water bill. I sat in the front on a bench, sweating profusely in crevices from the bike ride. This was only the beginning of a dirty, hot, sweaty, muscle-toning day. After drying off just a little bit, we were off to visit the sickly. It was nice to finally sit in some kind of air-conditioning, away from the heat. For the most part, we watched him play COD4 and chatted. Later on, his girlfriend Sarah, came over and it was a party. Just kidding. She's a really nice person and pretty cool, too. Unfortunately, my awkwardness trailed back when ever the guys just left. I didn't know what to really say. I tried, though! Eventually, he and I got some privacy when we climbed atop Gio's bunk-bed, jokingly. When they left, we finally were at our cores, left in yesterday until now. He first brought it up, with a simple, innocent question. "Do you care?" I looked into him, a little surprised, but nonetheless sure that yes, I care with all of my heart. There, we talked about this hole we're in and how we get out. We both individually realize that the other is someone so significant in our life - the "best I ever had" and the "best I'll ever want". From there on, we had a better mindset for the rest of the day. We're both determined on the phrase "We can get through this."

We left Gio's house to give them their own needed privacy and headed down the hill to Jaelynn's to drop off her R4. Oh, how I've learn to despise hills. Hungry and begging for food, we made our way back up the hill and to 7-11. We bought an X-Lrg Slurpee, a nice, cold, roasted chicken & cheddar cheese foot-long sub, and two Monterey & Jack Chicken taquitos. Mmm, good. We decided to eat in the park right behind the store, bikes down and finally relaxing. We later found ourselves under a tree, laying in the grass together. I was in your arm nook, with my own sweaty arm wrapped around your sweaty body. I couldn't ask for anything more. The bugs were crawling all over my legs, but I didn't want to move. The ants were tiny- whatever. I wasn't budging. Kisses here and there, declarations of never feeling this way in previous relationships... yeah, I didn't want to be anywhere else. Did I mention the kisses?! For the time, we were alone, but kids finally came to the park, so that was our cue to leave; time was falling out of our grasp, anyway. We unwillingly rode back to his house to return the bikes. I stayed inside for a while, just taking a breather from such a tiring day. He then got a phone call from his mother who was on her way home. It was already understood that it was my time to leave and end this blessed day. I gave as many kisses as I could before running out the front door like a nerd, hoping not to get caught. Never stop running until you're in the clear and don't look back, I would tell myself. Around the corner making my way up the hill is where I relaxed.

In thought, I concluded this day with better realities than initial expectations. I walked back to the high school, where I waited a good while for my ride. I continued to take initiative and called up my ma. I apologized to her about this morning and told her that I love her about four times in conversation - much more than the average numbers. I decided not to text him first because maybe it would be good like this. I didn't want to risk ruining the day, like texting always has its ways of doing. I know we can get there; we'll get to a place better- me and you. I saw two butterflies pass by throughout the day and for some reason, each one gave me a reassurance and hope that in the end, we are going to be okay. I love you. I've never had other boyfriends, but I well enough know that you are the only one who will ever make me feel this way and I'd rather not prove myself right. Photo is of my view as I sat in front of the high school, waiting for my bother to pick me up. He took forever, but was just in time before the rain came in.

That Sick Feeling

Hrmm.. today took a while to come around full circle. It's never a decent feeling to go to sleep without hear the voice of the person you love. I haven't talked to you since 6:00PM, yesterday. Today during school, you wouldn't even keep eye contact with me.. it hurt so much. Before first period, I was already prepared to leave the building. By 8:50AM I had this sick feeling in my stomach dreading to see your face. At lunch, you wouldn't even look at me. I held back my hardest from tearing up during the day. Finally we got to your house and we laid down. Things still weren't right. I broke down in your arm, tears drenching your white v-neck. We finally discussed what went wrong. Eventually, resolve was found and once and I was smiling brightly as any day, maybe more. I can't bear not talking to you for even an hour. The idea of going without your voice or texts for a day was unbearable.

We'll Get There, Don't Worry

Sometimes it gets so hard trying to reflect back on your day at 12:43AM I suppose today was good. For the part that I spent my afternoon with you, yes ofcourse it was good :) There was this verry romantic part where I was about to leave and I kind of hesitated to turn around..I kind of still wanted one last good-bye kiss. I wasn't sure so I just turned around to start walking. As soon as I turned around, you yelled out, "Wait!" I turned around to look at you and I saw the same thing in your eyes. I ran back towards you and got that last final kiss before I was on my way. On another note, I have come to terms today with my friends and giving the most sincere apologies that they deserve. I'm still working on this balanced mix between the important aspects of my life, and I honestly believe we can get through this. :)

Sort Of Wanted To

I write this coming back from the AMC:

"On Rt. 21, I sort of wanted to get into an accident. Maybe it would pull me away from all the problems in the world. There are no problems. The only problem here is me and every flaw I see in myself that, by some miracle, don't see. I hate myself. I'm so sorry."

And now, on the phone, my signs have changed a little bit. You're amazing.

Photo's of webcamming. We're all eating and listening to Ana watch wierd videos hahaha i really do miss this.. And im really going to mend every void i've created and im sorry =( i love you guys .