Lost What I Cherish So Dearly

Today we had the Jazz Festival. There were a couple emotions around about. Some were old and some were new kinds of sadness. I posted a long one on Tumblr, so I'll use it here.

For a good while now, the chain-link on the necklace he gave me would always loosen. The idea to put it on a different line was in my mind, but I never set myself to do so. I thought the brown strings and ribbon kept an authentic touch to it.

After school, we walked to his house so he could change for the Jazz Festival tonight. We ran a little because we short on time, so it could have happened then. Then, we went on our way to Dunkin Donuts to get something for the bake sale during the fest. We get back to the HS and I go into the closet to change into my concert outfit. I take off my shirt and, long behold, the string is all I see, unattached. From there on, my heart dropped and I laid quiet. Distraught? I think so.

Even though it is just a necklace that a boyfriend gave, it means everything to me. It was the first loving gift I have ever received.

Despite the fact that the festival would start soon, I went on and backtracked everywhere, literally. My eyes were glued to the ground, but what made me wanted to cry was backtracking in the grass. Then the rain began to drizzle. It never ended up raining forreal, just a decent drizzle at that.

I was also breaking into a new pair of flats. Wearing them during the day was fine. They were the most comfortable pair of flats I’ve ever worn. But any pair of flats regardless can only result in blisters. I definitely got those. Before I knew the necklace went missing, I complained about walking all around in them. They hurt, most definitely. Although, when I left for the search, I had no intentions about worrying about the pain anymore. It became a petty thing, forgotten.

By the time I got back to the high school, I was full of blisters, beginning to bleed. After having my eyes glued on the floor for about an hour of searching, I lost my focus. If you have ever played Guitar Hero, there is this feeling of your vision still moving towards you like in the game. I looked up at the sky and the clouds were coming towards me. I blinked, and it happened again. I still have the string to the necklace, but no amulet.

From the day I got that necklace on our second monthary [I believe?], I have never worn another necklace in it’s place. Never. I guess tomorrow I’m back to the Sparrow necklace.

Photo is of webcam post of empty chesstt D;

Coming To A Stop

Days are so hard without you. The day literally drags on. I even went to the mall and couldn't stop checking my phone.. Decipher my Tumblr posts and my Facebook status updates, and every emotion is revealed. You can be gone for an hour, and my whole life comes to a stop. I can do other things, but my mind isn't clear. You honestly get me through the day. Just being able to text you on good or bad terms allows me to work better than nothing at all!

"Part of me belongs to you. Please don't runaway with it."

Photo's of pair of shorts I bought <3

DANCE ON THE TABLE!

"Today was an okay day. I definitely had time with you, maybe less than an hour. It felt like less. It's been so long since I've been to your house and for minutes before you called say to come up, I thought you were going to tell me off again..to go home or find someone else to hang out with because some one's home. I told you that I really don't like that feeling and so I think to myself..that if it happened so often, it would become something I'm used to. That's nothing anyone should be used to. I'm definitely not caving into my old whining self; I'm just stating my mind. Today I feel like we slipped a bit.. that when I first got to your house, you were still upset about something. I think that's where I'm at fault too. I shouldn't bother to always feel what you feel. Instead, when you're down, I need to be the one who's cheery to cheer you up again. Anyways, after leaving, I got picked up by Olga for a ride home and I ended up tagging along for a trip to Mickey D's :D Much fun driving around with her. It was the first time she's been through a drive thru AND her first almost accident 0_0 haha Photo's of the new amazing game me and Jaelynn made up in history LOL."

Crossroads

I am finally seeing some kind of light in this life. I have come to the crossroads where truth about myself is revealed, and have taken the turn to better myself for the people around me. Formspring has reawakened lately, with a lot of truth. The ex actually wants to be friends and one of my best friends finally opened up to me how she feels. I really want change. I used to be a good person, but I let it slip. I want to regain that "innocence" and so I strive. The people I have come to know in my life are great people, so why should I give anything less in return? Today, I kept my heart up in the air. Good feelings were mostly kept around and I like that. I don't know.. I need to keep myself in that "aura" if I want to progress. Photo will be of Sean and his stuffed rack. Second is of my chocolate box haha.

Apologetic For The Silly Things

So the grandparents are now gone. I came home to find the cousins sitting in the kitchen for dinner. They have been around more often since the grandparents have been around. It was an interesting evening. We watched TV and laughed around. Around 6:30 my entire family went to the Newark airport to drop them off. It is sad yes, but I can only pray that they have a safe trip. Today jealousy didn't really, really get to me. I more or less accepted what happened and just asked if it did. I guess..mentioning any time is just annoying now, and I do apologize for that. I don't know what happened today..I think I ruined the mood with that because then on, I didn't feel so into it. I promise to stop. I trust you with all of my heart- I really do. Hrmm.. As for other topics, the scare we put ourselves in is not safe at all. I'm honestly just looking forward to tomorrow. It's Friday :D Photo's of Olga driving!!! She gave me a ride home- thanks Olga! LOL It's only her second time driving with her official license.

By God's Greatest Blessing

122 days is the equivalent of 4 months. I have been with you for four months today. I'm so happy we had a good day. A day free from problems and just overcame a resolution. I really wish I just could have spent this day with you in person. On any given day of the week, I can spend it with you, but today just feels like a bit more. I'm not one for flaunting dates, but four months ago, I had my first kiss. And by god's greatest blessing, it was with you. Today we mostly webcammed and I thought your nephew was so adorable. I text you all day like usual, and my love for it has not shifted at all. To finally say "4 months" makes me happy. The facts finally make sense with how I truly feel. Last month I kept debating on how I feel like we've been together for 4 or 5 months; I would literally stop and think about it. I like where we are, and I pray that it doesn't change. I pray that we are more than just months, I love you. Photo's of webcammin' :)

And So It Seems...

A stranger can tell me we wont make it and I'll tell him that he's just a load of poop. I know how I feel and I know that he feels the same way too. The will and determination we have to not argue and continue as we did today is so strong, I believe. When we have godsent days like this, my heart just yearns for more. Argueing is such a tiring thing; it is so unnecessary. My heart has finally been happy for the first time in a few weeks. Haha, and so it seems that we are never too far away from our dreams. :) Photo's with Sean after Gym midterms chillen'.

And So They Line-Danced Their Way Through The Night

Tonight was good. Honestly, I didn't want to go to the Santo Ninio celebration. Past experiences with church parties led me to believe I would end up as the loner on her iPod tonight. So I brought it incase. As it turns out, I actually put myself out there and participated in the 2-hour Filipino mass tonight. I couldn't understand a word they were saying, but I sand along best I could. I couldn't laugh along, but I kept my spirits up and my back straight. After mass, we went to the CCD school building for the after party in the basement. I luckily found Kate there, and a couple others that I know. I hung out with her the whole time, though she was supposed to be working clean-up duty for the ngiht. We line danced until sweat was drippin'; down our faces haha. It was quite fun and I'm proud that my initial assumptions of tonight were wrong. Hey, I didn't even use my iPod. Gahh, and still something is wrong. Goodnight, since you wont text me. Photo's of dance presentation by little kids. cute.

Ordinary People

We all have it in us to be the nicest person we can possibly be. So why should anyone else dare judge you for your actions, or thoughts, if it is all out of common courtesy? Emotions can get in the way: jealous, anger, spite.. They can get in the way of us achieving the ultimate kind of courtesy we can. But in the end, we are all just 'ordinary' people. We can't avoid how we feel and we just have to deal with it. Life won't be the perfect happy go lucky road, but it is definitely worth it in the end.

Call Me Crazy

The events of today are repeatable. What happened tonight is something I can't understand. I took a normal dose of coffee which, in turn, kept me up. Normally, even with the caffeine, I would pass out around 3AM. I'm not so sure, but around that hour, my eyes did no grow heavy. Instead, my entire body grew weak and my left hand was shaking anxiously. I needed to draw. I've been on such a hiatus from paper and pencil, that it all built up until now, begging to release. A majority of you will make fun of me for this, but I can't deny it. Hell, from a third person's view, I would've exited the screen by now. So lucky you for getting this far. Images flash through my head, not knowing what they mean. All that was for sure was that it was going to end up on the blank page in front of me. It took me all of 2+ hours to get through this. I began around 3AM and I'm typing this at 6:20AM. This is what it says on the back-

"I hope the sloppiness of this piece conveys the hard time I had making it. Every time I got to a flower, my whole body caved into a shiver. I fail to believe that the cold is the reason. A lotus represents rebirth; I feel like every flower was a release of bad memories. The roses at the bottom are part of what I have inherited as I let go of the old, hard feelings."

Oh- you haven't exited the window, yet? You're quite the trooper there. I never really know what I'm drawing or what meaning lies behind it until after I'm done. Tonight, though, I felt it with every pencil stroke. I'm not just drawing.

Impatience

My impatience is at its absolute maximum tonight. I am on the brink of insanity, trying to wait for tomorrow afternoon to come! Not much can highlight my day other than it being the first day of Jazz Band. I'm still getting used to certain environments, still being around certain people. Honestly, my worries have settled done and its not so much on my mind anymore. I'm growing madly in love with you more and more each day to care about other people getting in the way. I'm so glad you can read my mind and eyes..even when its not for the best reasons. You know something is wrong and as much as I would ever want to hide it, there's no point. You will eventually catch on and figure it out. I love when you can tell how happy I am, too because sometimes I am beyond words; the only thing that can convey to you how I feel are my eyes. :)

Oh and look, Jacob #2 likes to sleep in class! hahaha

You In My Arms

It felt really nice to just spend an afternoon with you. After school, we just hung out in the band room all day and I had no complaints. Our goofy side shone through and I wanted to pop your pimple. I'm just gross like that. haha. I already am aware of these great feelings I have for you and it just make me happy whenI look back on today. We don't need small secret meet-ups in the staircases to have a good day. Most of the time, I had my arms around you and it felt so nice. :) Walking you out of the highschool seemed like the hardest thing in the world, today! So many people were inside the highschool, due to the crappy weather outside. There was no privacy at all! A couple people decided to be jerks and purposely walk by. >.> Tonight's practice really made me feel sore. As I type this, I still feel like my calves are tight and sore. I dread the fact that I will have to do it again tomorrow night. Joy. Oh, we covered Erik's locker in penises via post-its! :D I hope he's not too mad tomorrow! ahah

I've Found You.

I feel like my whole world has cleared up. Tonight brought around the most heart opening conversations that I should have had a few months back. I finally realized why it wasn't working out. Our status is only meant to be kept at a level of friendship at most. You told me that you're heart beated faster every time you saw me. I couldn't take it and told you my honest thoughts. I was mentally lost in this relationship and my heart wasn't beating as fast. I finally acknowledged what does make my heart race though. My smile gets bigger as this person replies to me right now. The fullest of moons can't even beat the brightness of my smile in this dark room. As you said, best night ever.

Oh, I went to my pediatritian today for a physical. All sophmores are required to get one this year, so today was my day. It was so awkward how they made me change into a medical gown.. I also got three shots. D: Two boosters and one Tetanus shot. Apparently it now looks like I have Tetanus because i also got bit by a mosquito tonight at practice. >.>