Wednesday, June 30, 2010

"We Could Virtually Have Had A Baby!"

Wow, we could have virtually had a baby in the amount of time we've been dating. As of today, we make 9 months - 9 months I would never want stripped from my mind. No matter what plans needed to be arranged, I know that I needed to be with you. If you couldn't come over, I would willingly bike there and find somewhere to chill - no questions asked. As it turned out, you came over :) I met you half-way here on bike, while you rode yours. Eh, I actually left too late that "half" wasn't exactly relative to it's measured distance. Although our day started a little later because both of us were too tired to get up, we still had our day. Today was also the day I was so eager to make up yesterday's failure in. You were able to tell that I had a little bit a lottabit of tension, trying to make sure I didn't ruin today. Things were a little off at first because I thought about yesterday, but I snapped out of the thought as we began to play video games. I told you the other day that you are so many firsts in my life - both relationship wise and just in general. That involves video games. You know that I freak out and spazz with any kind of RPGs because I never was used to playing them. Now, you are introducing me to them, kind of like facing my fears. I felt accomplished today with a few head shots here and there on the last bullet and amazing [unintentional] feats. Yet, we could not have any of that without any of my yelping when new enemies appear or my abrupt pausing of the game at certain parts. We laughed and laughed as we traded off missions in Drake's Fortune because we kept dying! My mind was clear from there on and your kisses felt so good. Later, we went into the kitchen and started to make crepes - that was when my tension also began to rise. My lola was just leaning against the back of a chair, staring while we cooked and I just felt super uncomfortable at the stove and pulling ingredients out. You tried to tell me to relax and that everything was fine - sorry it took me forever to cool down! x3 You held me at the shoulders with a reassuring look and gave me a few reassuring kisses. It's nothing against her, but I just feel awkward being watched. Eh. I let you taste your first crepe with Nutella filling and you liked it - that brought me a smile. Around 1PM we finally got to get comfortable on the couch and watch Fight Club on Blu-Ray. You love that movie and have been dying to show me it, as I have been dying to watch it with you. It was really good, I'm not going to lie :) I want to finished the movie with you, which will also mean another day you'll be over! I promise you: this summer can & will be ours. At 2:15PM we rode back to the other side of Belleville and just finished our morning together at Wendy's to get some real food! We had to part ways after that - you wanted to get home before yo' mama did. I can't help but think... that if you and I can afford days like this and simply feel this way for so long, then I'm ready to spend a whole lifetime with you. It's understood that you can't have your good days with out your bad ones, but right now we need to balance those days out and climb out of our hole. I'm willing to do that for you and with you. I love you so much.. like a fat boy loves cake. :) After I left, I didn't want to go home so I went to Stop&Shop to buy random things. I ended up getting this bleaching kit for some unwanted stomach hairs. -insecurity mode- Haha, I just think it'll look nice looking more bare at the beach! I can think back on today and really say that I redeemed myself for yesterday's weird phase. God, Jacob Reyes, I love you beyond words. You literally help build me into a person I'm not ashamed to call yours. As our corny romantic minds think, "Always&Forever To Infinity&Beyond" Happy 9 months, mi vida. :) Photo is of us before leaving for Wendy's.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Damp Blankets And Self-Disappointment

I'm a little disappointed in myself today, not going to lie. Day two of some kind of revival for us and my efforts weren't as solid as planned. This morning I woke up and finally got to ride to his house without my mother bitching. I actually rode there with my sister and the route isn't too bad. When we left, I planned on wearing the oh-so-important helmet half way down the street and then removing it. At my checkpoint, I looked back and she was still standing at the side walk. Damnit. I rode all the way to the end of the block and turned the corner to do so. Finally. We got to his house and waited for him to get dressed and come out. When he did, we made our way to the HS track. We rode around a few times and then my sister left because she had a class at noon. After she left, we kind of grew lethargic. Quickly, too. We laid on the new front part of the stadium, where it was like..cinder blocks high enough to sit on and then cement from the butt up carved at an angle. The picture should make a seat like image in your mind. [Sorry if I'm not exactly being the greatest visualizer tonight.] With not much else to do, we laid there and soaked up the sun. Around 11:30AM, we decided to move on with plans to just lay in the park. I was prepared with blankets. We stopped by the 7-11 and got food and whatnot so our stomachs were happy. I can't help but admit that the whole time, I didn't want to do as much talking as we did. I just wanted to soak up the moments by doing things like kissing or hugging, or napping together. I tried to go in for kisses various time or hint at it, but they only lasted so long. I understand - public is always risky. For that late understanding in today, I am disappointed in myself. I kept wishing for these other things in the moments I had with you - things more passionate when instead, we could have had greater conversations. I didn't really engage myself in the conversations we were having because all I wanted to do was kiss you. It was my mistake, but I'm only glad we didn't end bitterly because we can't afford that. We had to part ways at 1PM and yes, I was sad but I could only frown so much. We parted ways and I continued with this new life initiative. I texted Ana to see if she was home because I know that she's one person I need to get back well into my life after pushing away. I came over to only stop by, but ended up staying until around 7PM It was good for the most part. Deejay and Jae came over and it was really great to be around these people I haven't seen in so long. Jesus, I haven't seen Jae for a while either! We watched Degrassi, order Chinese food, and even discussed a poster on her wall about drunk characters! Today was decent, even with the self-disappointment. Tomorrow, I'm praying, will be amazing. It's 9 months, after all. Photo is of us at the track. I'm extra chinky when it's sunny.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Two Butterflies And A Freaking Helmet

Today seemed like a first step in our attempt at fixing us. The idea was for me to wake up early, ride my new bike to your house (or meet up with you at the HS, whichever), and keep around while you exercised around the HS track. I was so ready this morning; I've been continuing to take a better initiative in my life and stop procrastinating with things. It pissed me off this morning when I was trying to be polite with my mother, telling her that I was going to take the bike instead of getting a ride. Bringing the bike was a big part of my plan and without it, everything virtually seemed ruined. In theory, if I hung out with you today, it wouldn't have worked well if I was constantly walking and you were on a bike, always ahead. It literally broke me when she began to argue that I can't take the bike. She swore that I didn't know how to ride a bike and that if I was pulled over by a cop, she would go to jail because I wasn't wearing a helmet. Simply, it was jut too dangerous to! I cried and expressed my anger in other ways, more for the fact that hey, I'm trying to put my efforts to fix something that means so much to me and this is whats stopping me from having today? I couldn't help but think how ridiculous her excuses were. The thing is, it didn't seem like the idea of riding a bike phased her until today. This day that I needed most; the day that I mapped out routes for in my mind last night. Today was for us; a future together we promised; saving everything from slipping away. Eventually, I took up my last resort and got a ride from my brother. If this day couldn't go down as I had planned, it had to go down any way possible.

So there I was, a [pede]strian, standing in from of the high school. I waited a few seconds before heading my way behind the high school, taking a short cut to the field. I texted him, telling him my situation and also explaining that I would just meet him there. He replied with the fact that he had to run an errand beforehand anyways and that I should just walk towards his house. A little happier inside, I followed orders and made my way towards his place. I was happy because I thought hey, maybe this day won't be so bad. I'll run errands with him; I'll watch him exercise - just anything to be with him. Walking down Division Ave. [by the way, I'm starting to know my way around Belleville more! Street names and all], I saw various people on bikes without helmets. I frankly don't care about the safety gear, but the ridiculous morning I had about them made me resent every single one of those people I saw. Another one was steering my way. "Ugh, another one. Great" I tried to look away, but a quick glance turned into a double-take. As he got closer, this guy looked more familiar. Close enough to realize who it was, I took back my last thought and a smile naturally began to grow on my face. It was the guy my morning almost prevented me from seeing.

It was a little awkward at first, seeing him. All I could think back to was yesterday's epiphanies and conversation. Are we going to be okay? What if we break up? God, I can't lose this guy. Screw it, let's just put our best efforts in. With him on a bike and myself walking, we made our first stop to the corner store by School #3. He needed to pick up an Arizona Green Tea for his sick friend, Gio. Then, we made our way to Dan's house, where he picked up another bike he left there, which I borrowed for the day. Oh Jesus Christ - that seat hurt so much! I'm pretty sure I'm bruised down there, as that seat was way too narrow. It was like I was sitting on nothing, just pain. Next, we headed for Town Hall, where he needed to pay the water bill. I sat in the front on a bench, sweating profusely in crevices from the bike ride. This was only the beginning of a dirty, hot, sweaty, muscle-toning day. After drying off just a little bit, we were off to visit the sickly. It was nice to finally sit in some kind of air-conditioning, away from the heat. For the most part, we watched him play COD4 and chatted. Later on, his girlfriend Sarah, came over and it was a party. Just kidding. She's a really nice person and pretty cool, too. Unfortunately, my awkwardness trailed back when ever the guys just left. I didn't know what to really say. I tried, though! Eventually, he and I got some privacy when we climbed atop Gio's bunk-bed, jokingly. When they left, we finally were at our cores, left in yesterday until now. He first brought it up, with a simple, innocent question. "Do you care?" I looked into him, a little surprised, but nonetheless sure that yes, I care with all of my heart. There, we talked about this hole we're in and how we get out. We both individually realize that the other is someone so significant in our life - the "best I ever had" and the "best I'll ever want". From there on, we had a better mindset for the rest of the day. We're both determined on the phrase "We can get through this."

We left Gio's house to give them their own needed privacy and headed down the hill to Jaelynn's to drop off her R4. Oh, how I've learn to despise hills. Hungry and begging for food, we made our way back up the hill and to 7-11. We bought an X-Lrg Slurpee, a nice, cold, roasted chicken & cheddar cheese foot-long sub, and two Monterey & Jack Chicken taquitos. Mmm, good. We decided to eat in the park right behind the store, bikes down and finally relaxing. We later found ourselves under a tree, laying in the grass together. I was in your arm nook, with my own sweaty arm wrapped around your sweaty body. I couldn't ask for anything more. The bugs were crawling all over my legs, but I didn't want to move. The ants were tiny- whatever. I wasn't budging. Kisses here and there, declarations of never feeling this way in previous relationships... yeah, I didn't want to be anywhere else. Did I mention the kisses?! For the time, we were alone, but kids finally came to the park, so that was our cue to leave; time was falling out of our grasp, anyway. We unwillingly rode back to his house to return the bikes. I stayed inside for a while, just taking a breather from such a tiring day. He then got a phone call from his mother who was on her way home. It was already understood that it was my time to leave and end this blessed day. I gave as many kisses as I could before running out the front door like a nerd, hoping not to get caught. Never stop running until you're in the clear and don't look back, I would tell myself. Around the corner making my way up the hill is where I relaxed.

In thought, I concluded this day with better realities than initial expectations. I walked back to the high school, where I waited a good while for my ride. I continued to take initiative and called up my ma. I apologized to her about this morning and told her that I love her about four times in conversation - much more than the average numbers. I decided not to text him first because maybe it would be good like this. I didn't want to risk ruining the day, like texting always has its ways of doing. I know we can get there; we'll get to a place better- me and you. I saw two butterflies pass by throughout the day and for some reason, each one gave me a reassurance and hope that in the end, we are going to be okay. I love you. I've never had other boyfriends, but I well enough know that you are the only one who will ever make me feel this way and I'd rather not prove myself right. Photo is of my view as I sat in front of the high school, waiting for my bother to pick me up. He took forever, but was just in time before the rain came in.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

I'm Continuing to Pray For Better

I thought today was good to start off, but reality more or less punched me in the face after church. It's the reality I never wanted to be true. It should have just stayed in the back of my mind as a worry. It's really disappointing when one promises to not do something for someone else or their self. How is it, when all this time I thought I was doing okay by steering away from the chances, that I end up finding out I drove right into it?


From: Jacob

I Felt that I actually lost you :(

Jun 27, 12:31pm

From: Jacob

Lately whenever we talk its horrible. Its gotten to the point that I'd rather go through the day alone cuz if we talk we only argue

Jun 27, 12:36pm
From Jacob

I'm ashamed in myself because the loving care I had for you is gone. I'm sorry

Jun 27, 12:42 pm


What the hell have I done? We had something relative to perfection and all I did was take everything for granted. Back around December, you told me that was the one thing not to do: take you for granted. I thought that as long as we can get through these problems, everything would be okay in the end- no matter how major or minor an argument was. In reality, things piled up and I've burnt your care out. This is not where my care and determination ends, though. I'm going to fix my mistakes one way or another and I'm figuring that "starting over" will do. I remember after one of the hundreds of arguments we had one time, I promised that every night I would pray to God that me and you will get through it all and that "one day we'll have it all." I still pray and I still believe it. I'm going to get us through this. I promise.


From: Jacob

Obviously. But the I care about our future more than any fight cuz that's what we promised in the beginnin

Jun 27, 8:57pm

Photo is of a Tumblr post. Recently I've been staying in this room, in my natural state: lethargic and uninspired.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Ping-Pong Redemption & New BIkes

Tonight I went to Roland's for his graduation party and I must say that it went very, very well. Previous awkward scenarios had me go straight for a regular hang-out. Once I got out of the car, everything was actually pretty good. I chatted it up with good friends, even though it was only a couple, and I made the best of tonight. We had some good food, sat in a little circle under a tent while it drizzled inconsistently, and talked about anything and everything. I really engaged myself and it was rare that I felt like the oddball out. Ah! We also pulled out the ping-pong table and I definitely redeemed myself! It was pretty humiliating when I played at Aud's with Roland last week because I just flat out sucked! Oh, but tonight, I was pretty proud of what I was doing with that paddle ;D For a majority of the time I converse with Olga and Ariel, two of the chillest people in the world. Eh, my scab kinda opened up and started bleeding because I itched it and Olga freaked out. That was a little embarrassing. Me and Olga make a pretty good team because when we play, wall counts as in. [along with chairs, floor, tent, etc.] As it got darker, we all ended up going inside. I needed to get some shelter because I was getting eaten alive! Kristine and Kate came back with a movie called It's Alive. Something to do with mutant fetuses being born and killing everyone around and eating people and animals, this movie GOT TO ME. Typically, I watch horror movies with friends and comment on it the whole time, laughing. The texting couch, Olga, Aud, me, and Ariel commented the whole time, but we fell weak to our disgust. Ariel sore to be a puncher during scary movies, yet I was the first to punch his leg out of fear! Unfortunately, I had to leave earlier, much before the movie ended. [and at a good part, too!!!!] And so, here I am, satisfied with my afternoon. Photo is of ping-pong, as it got darker and darker. My camera's flash is terrible, as all you can really see is Arie'ls white polo standing out.

Friday, June 25, 2010

I Slept With My Sister Again - Does That Sound Dirty?

I woke up to the aching of my legs this morning. The entire day, I could not walk comfortably or in a straight line at least once. I'm not giving in to any weaknesses nor am I whining - I'm just saying. Anyways, I've continued my streak of waking up any time around noon and had breakfast. At first, I was offered a "Filipino Breakfast" which included some gulay with chicken. I had a little, since my Lola made it and I didn't want to be too disrespectful, but I eventually had a bowl of Smacks. As the day goes on, I went with the sister and her boyfriend, driving around. We went to Urban Outfitters and I, as excited as I was for the sale, left empty handed. Unfortunately, I was only working with 30 bucks and my main goal was to get a nice pair of sandals. I wanted to visit Roland today at work, but we never got to. It's the first day of summer and I didn't do much. Tomorrow calls for a party, so here we go. Photo is of what I've looked like for the past two days: lying on the bed on my sister's computer.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

"I Can't Believe I Did It"

The first lap was a warm up. We walked through the shortcut just to get a taste of it. Second lap, we hopped right into a jog around the entire circular route of Branch Brook Park. Goodness, those swerves and turns seemed never ending. Past the half way point, I began to think to much. I wanted to stop, out of free will, at some points. The pain in my sides were very subtle and never any different as it were minutes before. I constantly reminded myself, "If it hurts the same as it did when we first started, then what's the point of stopping now?" This morning finally taught me a better example of Nike's motto, "Just Do It" Sometimes, I thought too hard, but it was pointless. I was only holding myself back. Before weaknesses could get the best of me, I was back at our starting point of my sister's boyfriend's car. I even pushed myself to do a little circle around the car before stopping - I was so proud of myself. I got through the entire route without stopping. When I stopped though, my legs almost collapsed in. Finally, I took a warm-down walk around the shortcut with the sister. We actually had good conversation this morning, discussing school and other matters. I came home, took a shower and had breakfast. For the rest of the day, I found myself in a car with my brother driving to Philly for business matters. Bored and unwilling to stay at home with creepy crawlers, I tagged along. It was fun for a good portion, finding ourselves in settings from I Am Legend. Cons solely involved getting lost and my brother;s GPS being of no help at all, with such a lag. Today was good and I'm proud of what I did this morning. Now to do it again tomorrow - maybe. Photo is of a familiar setting which was also nearby the part of the movie where Sam runs into the dark building.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Of All Days

I really need to stop eating my days away. I need to be more active. Even though I slept in until 1PM, I still ended up eating more than necessary. All that food kind of led me into a little depression, which I tried to sleep off in a way. I never was able to get back to sleep. Trying to sleep actually gave me a headache, so I left the room. As the night progresses or comes to an end right now, I am sad. I felt like the only thing that would let my day end well would be a nice cold, iced coffee. My sister went out about half an hour ago to get it, and she just came back - empty. Apparently Dunking Donuts "ran out". OF ALL DAYS?! Photo is of a chicken wrap from costco, part of today's "diet". Ugh, nasty shet.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

I Feel Like A Child Again

I really wish you could have come over today, but every reason is understood. My reason to even consider going to school this morning was gone, as you IMed me early this morning, as promised, saying that you weren't going. Therefore, I slept in until noon. When I woke up, it was only on forced reasons. I find it rude to be woken up because the person, in this case my mother, was begging me to eat. Hey, it great and thank you for the offer of beefsteak that lola made, but I'm sleeping. There is no need to wake me up now. I will find out when I do wake up. I took a shower and ate a while after, anyways. If it wasn't for other events that I may get invited to in the day, I would literally be home on the computer, stuffing my face with all the junk food available. Tonight I took the opportunity to go to Niel's birthday party/celebration. It was good for the most part. I just need to get used to being around the people who were always around, but I pushed away from this year. I plan on progressing in this direction. I don't regret going tonight at all, as awkward as I sometimes may have been. Roland kept saying "You're so awkward now," and I continued to question him on it. I sat next to Jeff and Roland during the movie. Boy, did I love Toy Story 3! The intro animation was so cute! "Day&Night" is what it was called. It honestly made me feel like a kid again. Jeff commented so loud on the movie a lot, but I kind of ignored it after a while. RIGHT when the movie was getting good, the screen goes blank! It resorts back to the previews and the exit signs began to flash a white light. Apparently, there was a fire. I thought it was so cool being able to go through the side exits behind the movie screen! I've always wanted to do so! Later, we found out that someone pulled it on their own. Jerk. Overall, tonight was great- something different from what I have been up to in my regular social life. Photo is of Roland and a random Hello Kitty plush that Ken brought.

Monday, June 21, 2010

MyDayWith Jacob

So I look back on today, and it went beyond well. This morning, I had no intentions of going to school other than picking up the boyprend. Fears of cutting school have completely left my mind, as I woke up in Summer mode- the mode I've been in since the last day of finals. I woke up and got dressed. [AND MET UP WITH THIS REEEEAL SEXY GUY NAMED JACOB. hahaha today me and stefanellie over dur hung out and made pancakes.. it was awesome we really got creative when it came to makin pancakes lol. but unfortunately our day had to end :l.. we tried to fix her ps3 but its crapped out cuz sony sucks mofo!!... but forreal i just helped stef one day closer too 365 posts :] keep on going almost theeeeere!!] I took the school bus and met up with him. From there, we walked out the farthest exit in the math wing and made our way to the bus stop. The walk was pretty damned warm, I'll give it that! We came home, and I took my very much needed shower. For a while we watched TV, tried to fix the PS3 and then we eventually made pancakes. Though they may have not been IHOP style, they were the best pancakes I've ever made in my life with the best person, too. We got full pretty fast. I still can't believe that spent the whole day together- cheesy as it may sound, it was like a dream come true. I've always wanted to spend a morning with him. It's almost like waking up with your significant other on a Saturday morning and just feeling that sense of complete happiness and satisfaction in every aspect of your life. I love having that feeling with you and it makes me eager for the day I can finally wake up and have you by my side. Photo is of our amazing pancakes :)

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Happy Father's Day, Papa!!

This afternoon was unexpected, to say the least. This afternoon, I woke up and found myself hopping into my brother's new car, on the way to Smashburger. I wasn't really looking forward to eating a burger first thing in the day, but its what ended up happening. Hey, it was noon so I don't think it counts! I have been having a lot of burgers these past two days! Yesterday, I had like three at Deejay's! Anyways, I also went with my siblings for another drive. We dropped off my sister to work, and my brother and I went to the mall after wards. When we arrived back home, it was time for a Filipino Father's Day mass. After the mass, there was a celebratory BBQ in the church parking lot. I stuck by with Anika and Ana, her brother, Stephen, and Orion randomly came by. I ended up hanging out with them and it has been quite a fun night. I feel bad that I didn't come home accordingly at the time I suggested and that I did not have my phone to make up for it. I wanted to go home anxiously for that reason, but I could not, so I enjoyed the moments I was in. Between watching hilarious Youtube videos and watching Orion try to eat a spoonful of cinnamon, tonight was good. Photo is of of a Tumblr post I took just now. Crazy haiir.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Forgive And Forget? Life Is Good

Today has gone well, that is the greatest thing I can say. Though I have not spoken or talked to you ever since yesterday afternoon, I pushed it aside for today. At Deejay's house we had a lot of fun just chilling out and swimming in the pool. Goodness, the burgers there were delicious!! There is the ideal of forgiving and forgetting about something that works out. When you arrived, I was so shocked to get a kiss. I honestly thought you were going to say your greeting and sit right down as we watched TV. Yesterday didn't even get mentioned until we were alone as we tried to get the basement bathroom light to work. We hugged and you questioned how my heart was. I answered honestly with a "Better". It is true that my heart is always better when I'm with you, without a doubt. I asked you the same question in return, receiving the same answer. Then, you proceeded to mention, "Let's just forget about yesterday, okay?" No questions asked, I agreed. The afternoon was going good the way it was, so why would we alter that? I have finally come to realize that the Forgive&Forget method can be good sometimes. I'm the person who hates ignoring problems, so I always tackle them head-on. Then again, it saves less trouble by just moving on. Photo is of Jae and Deejay playing with the little kids. They were cute :D

Friday, June 18, 2010

I Never Knew Days Could Be Themed

So, from the minute my eyes opened up this morning, things did not go according to plan. First and foremost, I woke up late at around 7:42AM, too late to catch the bus. Being that these half-days are a waste of time anyway, I didn't even bother to try to get to the hs. There was, of course, only one person who gave me reason to go. My plan was to take the bus before noon to meet up with him or it would be that he would take the bus over here. As the theme of today goes, that did not go accordingly. As I texted him through other peoples' phones, it turns out that the risks are too great to hang out today. Instead of whining and sulking about the let-down as usual, I held myself still, and just suggested for better. It worked well. I requested a phone call or webcamming later own to make up for it. I was, in that point, happy. Today's theme had yet to fade. Later on in the day, we were on AIM and his brother had to use . I really didn't mind at all, as I continued to watch the the movie 500 Days of Summer. I loved it!! :) Then, he came back, apologizing for the inconvenience. I tried to assure him that it was okay, but then he directly assumed that I seemed mad. Maybe it's my fault for causing so many problems between us, which has then led to you being so used to a mad me. With this sudden accusation shoved in my face, I was confused - in no bad way at all! Then, I tried to reassure that no, I'm not mad, along with questions of how I even seemed mad. Hey, I was confused so I asked. Being mistaken for speaking in a rude, freaking-out way, I got a "jeez chill out". Oh and then I got a "Please just stop talking" and "effin relax" and "babe leave me alone". The entire time I was just confused and in a content mood, happy to be talking to you, hoping to get out of this rut. All I did was ask how I seemed mad, when I really wasn't - and then you freaked out on me. As I was then, I am now. I'm not going to be the one apologizing this time. I would really like to talk to you again soon, but it's not my move to make right now. Photo is of a sharpie thing I tried to do to. wamp lol.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

A Day Well Spent

So today was pretty fun, not gonna lie. It was a half-day and I basically didn't go to any of my classes and just stayed in the band room from third period on to the next day. We played ninja a lot and just chilled out. I also got my schedule for next year changed which was very relieving. Instead of accepting the stress of trying to learn by myself in Physics H, I'm just going to join everyone in AP Chem where I will feel much more comfortable! :D Talking to Mr. Doldi today felt really good and I felt so comfortable in their classroom. It's where I belong haha just kidding. After school, I fell into that dilemma I fell into ever so often. I set my mind for the day to be with him, but he had to go home. That's where I feel like the day ends for me and that is part of the reason of my problems. I can't dwell on the idea that if I can't hang out with him, my day is done. Those days are the perfect opportunity to hang out with others. At first I asked Ana, but she had a party to go to. Then, I thought of Aud, and I became so happy. I haven't hung out with her in so long and this was a great opportunity! We chilled at her house for the afternoon, and even Roland showed up! At first, me and her watched a bunch of weird-ass videos on Youtube about ass-to-face and dick-slamming "dances". Then, Roland came over and we got to watch this Korean Horror movie called Death Bell. It was alright, except I began to grow tired and started dozing off. After the movie, we played [I failed] at Ping-Pong outside. At the end of it, Roland beat Audrey in their match and we just shouldn't discuss mine. haha We went back inside because we were getting eaten alive by mosquitoes!! After a little while of chilling by the piano and listening to me fail at singing also, I got a ride from Roland home. I look back on it and am finally happy to say I had a well-spent afternoon despite my normal mindset. Tonight I began to watch my old DVD of Spirited Away, but grew tired once again. I'm off to take a nap soon. Photo is of Ping-Pong :D

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

LOL. Finals Are Ovaa!!

So..never leave me alone. It may lead to violent, tragic thoughts like wanting to get into a car accident on the way home from the mall. Because in that situation, maybe God will give me another chance. I'll be in a hospital bed and old friends I've drifted from will come back caring, regardless of what I've done to them, how unfair I've been. From there, my new chance would begin and the second they ask me to chill, the "yes!" is already out of my mouth.

Today was the last day of finals - THANK GOD! I finished my Chem final in 10 minutes and drew the following photo in the time to spare. Today was also Band Room Clean-Up which was alright. There were still teachers in the building and we got in trouble like twice for being loud. I guess we really pissed them off this time! haha I don't really care. Afterwards, I got a little upset. I wanted to hang out with you. We are friends and I want to repair our friendship. I regret the bad choices I have made because it pulled apart. Hell yes, I'll admit that I'm jealous you're so close with them! We used to be like that, and I used to be at your place every day. They're definitely more entertaining though.. I was never much of a show. And now, you guys make plans, and I really don't have anyone. I'm the loner nowadays and I basically go home every day. It's my fault though, and it kills me. It didn't effect me right away because I randomly got picked up by Jae, Alo, and Joriz to play volleyball. We played along with a group of RU kids, which was fun. When I got home, my parents were getting ready to leave for the mall and I went with. Tha'ts when everything hit me. I was aggravated with myself. I was lonely and bitter. Kind of like an old man, you know? The guilt trips came rushing back, and I don't blame them. I have been such a bad friend, not only to you, but to everyone. I'm so sorry, again.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I Spilled Soy Souce On Myself Today.

So apparently I seemed off tonight? It may have been that I've been studying for tomorrow's finals while IMing you; it may have been your 4-minute interval replies in the beginning. The day has just been busy, but the afternoon was good. We may not have perfect days, but as long and we aren't arguing at the end of the day, I'm happy. For this past weekend, we have actually avoided such things from happening. I like it.

Exams today went pretty well. I only had one exam today: Algebra 2. It's pretty unfortunate to say that I haven't been paying attention all year because I've been texting in the back for a majority of the time. Luckily, I did post of the review packet which got me through most of the exam. After that, my usual schedule takes me to another study and then lunch. Today, I could have easily left and gone home, but that would have been silly. I'm here for my friends who are around and I'm staying until they get out xD After school, Jacob and I decided to come back to my place to chill. The plan seemed well, but better options came in the way. Alo and Joriz picked us up from the bus stop where we were supposedly waiting to get back to my place. Instead, I went home, got changed, and then we went out to get something to eat. We ended up going to the Chinese buffet next to Hooters, and it was decent for the $11.99 per head lunch charge. We haven't hung out with them recently and it was pretty nice getting to chill again. Then, we split up as they went to Petco and we roamed Guitar Center :) It wasn't until this day that I walked into the guitar barn in the back of the store filled with guitar godliness @_@ There were so many beautiful guitars and you could just sit down and play! Photo is of the galls galore of sex for your eyes and ears.

Monday, June 14, 2010

The Distance Is Working For Us

This distance is actually helping us. It is kind of like a mini "you never know what you've got until it's gone" experiment. Not being able to text you for the past 5 days makes me miss you more and more. It makes me realize that every minute I get with you is special and I have to make the best of it. During the HOBY weekend, I realized that we have to live like we're dying. I've improved on holding back from staring tiny arguments with you because of all these new factors in my life. I don't want to waste our time together because god only of us could be dead tomorrow. I love you always, mahal. :) Today was alright. I wish I had better plans for these half days, but today Shalier, Jacob, and I hit up Joey's for some drinkable pizza (considering all the oil) haha. It was a good day. Photo is of Shalier "polishing his horn" hahaha Also, we have here, a thing I did in Ariel's sketchbook today.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Last Night, I Dreamt Of Burrito

Sundays never live up to their calm and relaxing standard that everyone holds it to. I woke up this morning craving a breakfast burrito from Taco Bell. Yeah, my dream was weird. Not only that, but I woke up to a swollen left eye. Apparently right before I slept, I handled my guinea pig and then rubbed my eye. It makes sense because before I fell asleep, my eye itched. I thought sleep would cure it, but I was wrong. I woke up looking like my mother when she has allergic reactions to soy milk. I took a shower this morning, and the cold water helped relieve the swelling. Church today was alright. I jsut hate knowing that I have to do work afterward for Monday. Today, that meant studying for English. As procrastination usually takes its toll on me, I went with the Papa to see Karate Kid. As weird as it sounds, I teared at one point in the movie. Jackie Chan was crying! AND on top of that..he looked like my papa! It made me laugh a few times because I would look over to my left at my father and see the scary resemblance. Geez, the production company could have at least warned us they were letting Jackie Chan play my papa. lol Photo is of all the papers of my doooom.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

A Better Step In Direction

Today was decent. Recently, I have been feeling in a lack of my social being: someone I used to be. I took up the opportunity to chill with Ana at her house for her brother's birthday/graduation party. For a while it was just the three of us, chilling in his room as she played Mass Effect. I really miss having that friend who you could just chill with, not necessarily doing anything exciting. In ways, we found our laughs through misheard slurs or spontaneous ideas of what to do. I've sworn that life is better to move on, to forget struggle with changes in who you are, but there are somethings you can't go. For example, friendships. Later on, Jaelynn and Deejay came over and things finally got exciting in a way. We talked, played some word games, watched Jae fail at the Umbrella game for an hour and a half, and all around had fun. Today was a good start. Photo is of Jae being a creeeper haha!

Friday, June 11, 2010

Happy BSing!

Here I am, grateful for the end of another day. This has been giving me more hours to close my eyes, and make up for lost hours. Today was cool. It was the first day of finals, and my first two were easy. First perdio I have SAT Prep, so I just chilled this morning. Then, I had French, where as I didn't know anything because my teacher hasn't been here for two weeks. Therefore, I BSed much of my French 2 Final :D I went the the festival with my parents tonight. I may have seemed anti-social, just sitting there, but I just didn't want to go in general. Plus, I was too cold to try to talk to anyone, so I texted haha. Today, I also went on a sort of date with him. we walked to Lil urgers in Nutley and then Stuffed Cupcakes - somethign I've wanted to do for a while. Photo is of the cupcake we got. :D

Thursday, June 10, 2010

I Understand That We are Here.

I should probably say that hey, yeah I'm studying for my finals, but I'd rather not discuss that topic. I feel that with projects over and with today being the last FULL day of school, the freedom to relax is finally opening up. Tonight was the band awards dinner which was fairly love. Girl, I love you to death, but I don't know what to say to you anymore. You tell me that you're thankful you aren't doing the shit of next year, but it's just disappointing to actually hear it. I really, really wish you could stay.. A lot of people looked nice tonight, especially Ana !!! She wore strapless white dress that looked so cute and good on her! :D I'm so happy we're all getting out of our comfort zones!! :) Photo is of me and Ana. She looks so pretty in a dress :D My phone lighting sucks BALLS.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Pass Out For The Better!

So there is not much I could say for today, by considering fact that I spend the whole entire day sleeping and dozing off out of control! I went to sleep at about 4:48PM and did not wake up until tomorrow. I haven't slept all weekend and the night before, since I was working on my history project. I pulled an all-nighter and I didn't know where I began to doze off as I texted you. I just know that I passed out! Photo is of answers to a my math final review that I still have to do. xD

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

How Do You Think I Feel Today?

VIA Tumblr


is pretty important and you’re so blessed to have that. I’m not joking. I’m jealous for anyone who has a really close family - it’s pretty vital in life and you shouldn’t really give it up..

so where does that put me?

Any happy mediums available?

Secret #1

I’ve been feeling pretty lonely lately.

Best friends are now a sort of “close friend” - yes, there is a difference.

And fault is at my hands, as it always had been.

I came home today knowing I have a project, a big one, due tomorrow. Yet, I allowed myself to procrastinate until about 830PM before really beginning. Today in itself was another one of those days look back and you aren't very proud of your self and the choices you made. Photo is of Aud during lunch haha. She stuffed her face with as many marshmallows as she could xD

Monday, June 7, 2010


Oh my goodness I am so tired! It seems as if the stress will never end until Finals are over! Tongiht was the Tri-M induction ceremony and I was very happy for him :) His mother came and I did not even the chance to talk to him. Events like that are something I would love to share with someone, but since she was around, I couldn't even glance at them. I couldn't even get a goodbye either. Right now, I'm failing at my projects and all the homework I have due in the next to days. My eyes are begging for sleep and I can't do much. Tomorrow is definitely something I wasn to get over with already Dear god, someone help me. Photo is of the 7 containers of ice cream that we won ourselfs, from attending the Momorial Day Service.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

I Learned Alot; Now To Retain.

OH dear god, I am beyond tired right now. This entire weekend has been way too long and tiring, but nonetheless worth it. I have learned great values there and made some cool friends. Even today as the weekend was ending, I continued to make more friends at breakfast.. Today was the day of closing ceremonies, and it was a bittersweet end. I'm trying to use what I learned at HOBY to be the promised change that they guarantee. I'm putting the steps forward to give a convenient path for them. It without a doubt was life changing, but I just need to keep my persistence up nice and high. Coming home from the car ride, we went to Willowbrook mall. We didn't get much other anything, but we did eat at the Cheesecake. I feel that I wasn't completely nice to my mother during lunch, but I wasn't master. I help back to keep off from her problems. I'm working at it I promise! Photo is of Anacon Hall before we were sent off the auditorium.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Initiative, Inspirafion Speech

This weekend HOBY solidifies some that would fluxuate in my life. Coming to a leadership thing I didn't expect much outside the box,but HOBY has taught me morals beyond leading a group of people. On the drive here i didn't have much excitement or nervousness. But surprisingly enough, as i walked up to registration there was the 'tunnel time" going where the junior/senior advisers stood on the two sides of a tunnel screaming and yelling enthusiastically for you to pass through. In the course of a weekend this program had taught me something I've lacked a consistency in. taking initiative and not just in a group o people, but in my own personal Life most especially. First of all family. Te first speaker guy talked and borrowed time and how you always should take. The chances in life. You wont always have those second or third chances. It made me want to change my ways and really give my mother the affection she deserves because honestly the thought of my mother and father dying in a car crash on the way here devastates me. I know that i have not lived our relationship as parent and daughter to the fullest. With friends, more less the guy i plan on spending the rest of my life with, i Allow us to fall in to arguments way to easily. I am going to start taking much more initiative in my life to understand- to think in his POV because if hes dead tomorrow the effect with my parents is the same. With friends, i have always had a fluctuation of being out going and then being they nervous awkward quiet loner. I hated it so much but this weekend has proven to me that hey, its okay to just walk up to someone and be friendly. From there you find something to talk about. Even though in the real world there isnt much of an understanding that we are all individuals considering egos and clicks, hoby at least proved to me that it is possible and okay to walk up t a complete stranger. I would used to second guess whether i should or shouldn't walk up to some one and miss the chance. Here i didn't have worries and plopped up a chair next to a stranger. I have been inspired to radiate my new confidence even starting tonight with the dance. I took a really nervous stiff tense boy on the floor and began to teach him. I wanted to give him the same confidence i have gotten and to not care what others think. I got him to take off the awkward blazer he wore and un tuck his button down shirt and dance told him how to move his feet and extend his arms. By the end of the night i saw him dancing with other people :) i felt good about myself. And since i i said talkk be like that i wanted to help some one out too. I have been taking my initiative with a y steps including the decision to stand up and talk to you guys like this. This weekend has taught my something I've been inconsistent with and I'm so thankful for that opportunity. Thanks guys, i love you all.X

Today was so much betterthan yesterday. There were less lectures and more activities that had us up an about. At one point i. Ecame pissed off just for fact that i had three catty girls in my group. There are nice but theres a thi g about thrm that irrotates me. A click could easily form bu after a while i did t care. You make the best of your night and not care what peopl thiml. Do that anr youre set for life. The dance was good. Frankly i have my much more people tonight than the past tep days sitting around. I walked up to people and started dancing with people (cleanly) . Then when i got tired i sat with strangers and had the greatest conversations about boyfriends/ girlfriends an phones . They are the coolest people ive met so far. They all at out because they had a boyfriend or gf but i danced anyway. Just cus i know i cant "dance like that" any wY amd wouldmt if the oppprtu ity came up. I have my man :) photo is of a cup i drew on while listening to during a presentation. The box i made too haha

Friday, June 4, 2010

See Ma, We Could Wear Shorts!

So today was the first day of my stay at Monmouth University for this HOBY leadership seminar. It was definitely much more than i had expected! But back tracking to this morning? Oh my, what a stressful morning that was! Basically, last night carried into today with my mother yelling at me to. Bring this and that. I realize that she does it out of care and sorry but its a little over the limit or out of bounds of the correct way. The way she addresses me to bring items was just too much pressure on top of my own worry to pack by myself. But anyways, we got here really early. We left the house a little past and got here at a little past 8.

As of expectations, it was NOT what i expected! When you think leadership seminar you think boring and formal,when actually the people are crazy hyper and fun. While still getting the message across. It all began driving up to registration parking lot. The people directing us pointed the way and screamed "are you readdyyy!!??hooobbyy!!" and then when we went to registration table we walked through "the tunnel" of cheering and welcome. I got to the dorm and got settled, still with no room mate. We went back down to the orientation. To find that this is where i part ways with my sister and mom. It was a quick depart but i was ready. From there i walked over to a group of other ambassadors in the beginning of a chain of ice breaker games which was pretty interesting considering the energy already established. After, we found ourselves in groups at a hall at specific tables. There music played ,we jammed awkwardly just kidding. We have learned SOO many cheers today its insane! A big importance about this weekend to me is to explore my social abilities that I know I have. My group is a bit awkward but were warming up to each others. At times I dislike it because I have 3 catty girls and it kind of got annoying how they would text or only speak to each other. But then again my so skills aren't on blast yet. I look forward for tomorrow with that. After the talks and dancing , the after of lectures began. The first was good and pretty moving. The man ripped a 20 bill in pieces to signify its importance. After that, the presentations got monogamous and sleep started to catch on. Then we made commercial skits to sell a product based on a good characteristic of leadership. They activity actually let us bond better in a way and all my bets or on tomorrow. i realized today to not leave out those shy awkward people because i well enough know i used to be that same girl. Photo is of the dorm :D

Thursday, June 3, 2010

HOBY Weekend, Here I Come!

Well, that was quite a difficult night. So tonight has consisted of packing/procrastinating for the HOBY Leadership Seminar I'm going to tomorrow. I mean hey, taking my sweeeet time is how I do it! I know that it was out of her best intentions to make sure I'm prepared, but telling me to bring this and that or asking if I brought this or why I haven't or won't bring this gets pretty annoying. It was at the point where I felt like I couldn't pack myself because I couldn't concentrate.Today was the end of my stressing this week, although I know it starts back up as soon as I get home on Sunday. I've looked up the Facebook group for this organization, and honestly, it looks pretty fun! The people look chill, though I am well aware the same, exact people won't be there this weekend. I set a goal for myself to be outgoing this weekend. I can't be afraid to publicly speak because the for the rest of my life, no matter what career I pursue, it will be a vital ability. Photo is of me in the fitting room. I got that dress :D Hrmm.. I might be MIA for the weekend with posts considering the seminar and no wifi.. haha.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Only Exception By Paramore Is A Really Good Song.

I'm strong. I am a person of mistakes; imperfections. The way my words come out are not the same as I think them. I'm still learning to perfect myself because I refuse to believe "I'm perfect to you." If I was, I wouldn't be feeling this right now. You wouldn't think of me as a jerk.

Today.. I'm figuring out that my stress isn't that bad. I have another week to worry about finals. I'll figure it out. You were right. Today was okay. We went to the middle school and I fucked up really bad, yet I still managed to smile because I honestly couldn't give a rat's ass about it. Returning back to 5th period, I was so happy to see you again. Though it was only a few hours since I saw you. Throughout the course of the day I realize: there is less emotion going around, and the are was dry and slightly sarcastic. I don't know. I'm going to be optimistic. I got this. Oh, I lost my phone today. Thank god Roland had it. Photo is of a index card an asshole drew. Hiyo.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Stressing, But Everything Will Be Okay

I could've cut school today, but I think I liked my decision to stay. I haven't seen the guy I love for days and it was very relieving to feel those soft lips again. The day itself actually wasn't too bad. The fact that everyone cut for Senior Cut Day made all my classes empty, as if it were a half day! I can't deny the amount of stress I felt today though. Even though it is the end of the year, I feel like the work keeps piling on to get ready for the "big finish". Unfortunately, part of the reason why I had to stay today was because I was thrown the responsibility of making sure that the guard knew the 3rd number for tomorrow. That responsibility sat on top of all of these Finals Reviews that I have to get started on! After school, I got some food with the love and honestly, just being with him calmed me down a lot. Practice at 4 didn't go bad at all, considering that I got the DVD from All-States from Jeffrey to use as reference. Smart, right?! lol. I came home and hopped in the shower. It was much needed after a day feeling the gross humidity! Fresh out of the shower, clothed and all, I get a phonecall from Jae saying they have a surprise for me. They stopped by and I came down. As I'm walking towards the car, Alo, Joriz and Jae bust out with water balloons in their hands and start throwing!! What the haaiill, man! Right after my nice shower too!! I guess it's a new kind of love from friends. haha. Photo is of my SAT Prep assignment. It asked me to put a name and so I was referred to as "Nigg" for a good 10 slides.